Part 9 (1/2)
When his time as president came to a close, Johnson scored historically low both in approval ratings and on the ”Is he hot or not?” board in the town square. A complete failure in terms of his presidency, Johnson's most important and perhaps only success was his purchase of Alaska from the soon-to-be freewill-restricted Communist nation of the Russia. Without this international land transfer deal, American oil reserves would be embarra.s.singly low, and the pool of female vice president candidates would be less physically attractive.
1869 THE GOLDEN SPIKE OF THE FIRST TRANSCONTINENTAL RAI.
Iroad how to get rich quick using no-bid government contracts.
Nonlubricated Penetration.
The wildly successful Trail of Tears served as the backdrop for spearheading an effort to link the eastern United States with the more laid-back western states as suddenly compa.s.sionate legislators everywhere demanded that the country be linked by rails. It was argued that the effort to move the Indians out west by foot decades earlier proved to be too time consuming, and although they were indifferent about the many deaths, they rationalized that if they ever needed to relocate another ethnic group in the future, they needed to prepare for it well in advance. In looking at the wave of unruly immigrants moving into the country, it became apparent the railroad system would serve a much greater purpose than simply moving important business commodities - it would act as an on-call ethnic people shuffler.
The East-West Gravy Train.
Of course, when legislators get sudden compa.s.sion for a cause, it can only mean one thing: there is money to be made. After receiving former Vice President d.i.c.k Cheney's Halliburton-sponsored audiotapes on how to get rich quick using no-bid government contracts, Oakes Ames, a prominent and successful shovel manufacturer and congressman, gathered up a handful of the most financially privileged Americans and British to begin a private effort to build the iron minority mover. Ames took the Halliburton system to new heights as he influenced the United States government to not only give them the land to build the railroad, but also give them huge amounts of additional land to sell on their own, ensuring their profitability.
In Halliburton-like fas.h.i.+on, several individuals made fortunes, while the rest of the country had the pleasure of paying nearly twice as much as expected for the completed railway. For many, this seemed impossible, as the east-to-west portion of the track was mostly laid by hungover Irish immigrants and the west-to-east track was laid mostly by Chinese immigrants who were still weak from their journey, all of whom earned slave-like wages at best.
Aiding the investors' efforts to realize huge profits were towns all across the country that paid huge bribes to the railroad companies to convince them of the merits of running the railroad through their town. These eagerly accepted bribes resulted in many twists and turns, inconveniently changing the path of the transcontinental rails.
Don't Sign a Gym Members.h.i.+p.
On May 10, 1869, the ethnic people shuffler was completed when railroad profiteer Leland Stanford drove in a ceremonial golden spike that effectively connected the eastern portion of the United States to the western portion of the United States. This was a relief to compa.s.sionate legislators, as they now had a more humane way of taking conveniently located, fertile land from ethnic landowners and exchanging it for less fertile, more inconveniently located land elsewhere in the country. It also ensured that if some great resource was discovered in the Indians' new home, we could move them again. But this time if we needed the exchanged land that was given to Native Americans with the Indian Removal Act back again, we would not force them to walk hundreds of miles to their new government-approved location, providing they could afford the train ticket.
1876 THE BATTLE OF LITTLE BIGHORN.
The largest fiasco in American military history.
Put a Dollar in the Loincloth.
Americans have always taken great pride in their ability to run profitable strip clubs in a country founded on Judeo-Christian principles along with their ability to succeed militarily on the battlefield. The Little Bighorn River, located in Montana, may have been without a gentlemen's club in 1876, however, it did prove to be an appropriate venue for George Custer's last stand. Over the years, Custer's last stand has fondly become known as perhaps the largest fiasco in American military history.
Custer-Filled Rumley.
He was born George ”I'll go down in history” Custer in New Rumley, Ohio, famous for, well, Custer being born there. Custer was an embarra.s.sment to New Rumley, as he graduated from West Point academy dead last in his cla.s.s. His ineptness extending beyond the cla.s.sroom, Custer performed miserably once on duty. He was court-martialed, only to be saved from punishment by the timely outbreak of the Civil War and the shortage of trained soldiers. After being court-martialed a second time, Custer was a.s.signed to be part of the 1876 mission to take down the Lakota tribe along with the more competent Generals Gibbon and Crook.
A Horse, a Bull, and a Crook Go into a Bar ...
In 1876, the U.S. government ordered the Lakota chiefs to report to their designated land by the end of January. IGNORING NATIVE AMERICANS' CLAIM THAT THEY WERE THERE FIRST, THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT WAS KIND ENOUGH TO MAKE ADDITIONAL ROOM FOR WHITE PEOPLE BY ORDERING THE INDIANS TO TAKE UP RESIDENCY IN A LITTLE s.p.a.cE OUT WEST THAT THE WHITES DIDN'T WANT YET.
Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse, among others, decided not to comply. Generals Gibbon and Crook were sent with Custer to drive Sitting Bull and the other chiefs onto the reservation for a lifetime of gambling and alcohol. As the fight began, Crazy Horse and his warriors got the upper hand, forcing General Crook to retreat. Later in June, Custer found Sitting Bull's encampment near the Little Bighorn River. Sensing an historic opportunity, Custer disregarded the original plan and instead charged ahead only to find out that he and his men were outnumbered four-to-one. Needless to say, Custer's premonition about history was correct. The Lakota warriors killed Custer and all of his troops, offering no surrender. It was one of the worst defeats in U.S. military history. Despite more troops coming later for Sitting Bull, he and his men escaped to Canada where their native style of dress and incomprehensible speech made them nearly invisible.
On Common Ground.
For his efforts, history has not forgotten the foolish way in which General George Custer died, and fittingly, numerous cemeteries have been named after him. AS FOR CRAZY HORSE, HISTORY REMEMBERS HIM TOO, WITH NUMEROUS STRIP CLUBS AROUND THE COUNTRY CARRYING HIS NAME. It is nice to see that after all of the blood, death, and tears there is still an environment that both Judeo-Christian white men and descendents of fierce Indian warriors can enjoy together.
1881 a.s.sa.s.sINATION OF JAMES GARFIELD.
Having never before been a.s.sa.s.sinated, the new experience intrigued Garfield.
Decidedly Undecided.