Part 8 (1/2)
Anytime I donate to the World Wildlife Fund I ask that my donation be returned if any of it gets earmarked to save the Black Panther.
I truly enjoy watching cars make left turns. I also consider these turn-lefters ”athletes.”
I drink whiskey named ”Rebel Yell.”
I fit into the stereotypes for both the common redneck, and his lesser known cousin, the Florida redneck.
I had no problem with Mr. Drummond's decision to take in Arnold and Willis in spite of the fact they were two black kids and he was a single white father living in Manhattan.
I tell the neighborhood kids that thunder occurs when G.o.d tells black people to move their furniture to their own side of heaven.
If you answered ”true” to 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 10, 11, 12, 13, or 15, you would call the South home-sweet-home.
If you answered ”true” to 3, 9, or 14, you are a Northerner.
If you answered ”true” to 7 or 8, you're likely unable to perform day-to-day activities on your own, including feeding and clothing yourself, and are a drain on the system.
If you are answered ”true” to both Northern and Southern traits, immediately move yourself to purgatory-on-Earth, otherwise known as Eastern Kentucky.
1865 THE THIRTEENTH AMENDMENT.
Allows fraternity-like hazing techniques that include the naked human pyramid.
Viewing Slavery Through Green-Tinted Gla.s.ses.
Much to the dismay of Southern economists, Abraham Lincoln saw his dream of former slaves running free in the streets across America come true with the pa.s.sage of the Thirteenth Amendment. Proponents of abolis.h.i.+ng slavery focused solely on the humanitarian side of slavery. They argued that slavery was archaic and abusive and served no purpose in the land of opportunity. On the other hand, those who lived in the South and were white realized that slavery was a luxury that most of them didn't want to live without. Slaves were like eager ch.o.r.e-completing children, only older and more productive. One black man could do the work of twelve children at a fraction of the cost.
Free at Last, Free at Last.
Issued at the a.s.s end of the Civil War, Lincoln's Emanc.i.p.ation Proclamation had set most work-for-free blacks out on their own, unprepared to pursue a life of liberty. Slavery however, remained legal in the five states of New Jersey, Maryland, Missouri, Kentucky, and Delaware. The governor of Kentucky had refused to set the slaves of his state free in an effort to protect them from black-on-black crime. He believed he was doing blacks a favor by keeping them employed by their white owners and protecting them from each other.
Despite the Kentucky governor's best effort, the amendment to abolish slavery was ratified on December 6, 1865, leaving state legislators scrambling to build larger prisons. A poorly timed hunting expedition to Africa by the local KKK Chapter allowed Georgia to be the twenty-seventh state to pa.s.s the proposed amendment, giving Lincoln the required number of states he needed to set all black people free. The Cliff Notes to the Thirteenth Amendment reads: Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction
Loose Interpretation.
During the second term of George W. Bush's presidency, former attorney general and torture supporter Alberto Gonzales auth.o.r.ed another one of his not-for-your-eyes memos informing the office of the president it was authorized to interpret the portion of the Thirteenth Amendment that states ”any place subject to their jurisdiction” to apply to all fifty states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, as well as Afghanistan and Iraq.
WITH A LACK OF SLAVERY FOUND IN AFGHANISTAN AND IRAQ, VICE PRESIDENT/PRESIDENT CHENEY ASKED GONZALES IF THE THIRTEENTH AMENDMENT COULD ALSO BE INTERPRETED TO INCLUDE THE RIGHT TO USE COERCIVE INTERROGATION TECHNIQUES. Upon review, the White House's legal yes man Gonzales told Cheney that his interpretation of the Thirteenth Amendment allows fraternity-like hazing techniques that include sleep deprivation, loud noises, and naked human pyramids.
Racism Is Like Losing Weight.
The pa.s.sing of the Thirteenth Amendment in 1865 may have abolished slavery, but it didn't cure the racial problems in America. The open-minded free thinkers in the Mississippi legislature did not ratify the amendment until 1995, 130 years after it was initially pa.s.sed. Those crazy white Baptists even repealed Prohibition in 1965, thirty years after the rest of the country. NEEDLESS TO SAY, RACIAL HATRED IS LIKE THE LAST FEW POUNDS YOU PUT ON DURING COLLEGE: THE HARDEST TO GET RID OF.
1865 a.s.sa.s.sINATION OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
All pimped out in a Christian Dior white dress s.h.i.+rt, tuxedo jacket, and black top hat in preparation for the theatre.
Friday Night and the Feeling's Right.
Friday night is traditionally date night at the White House, and April 14, 1865, was no different. President Honest Abe Lincoln got all pimped out in a Christian Dior white dress s.h.i.+rt, tuxedo jacket, and black top hat in preparation for taking his wife, Mary Todd, out to see the hit comedy Our America playing at the downtown Ford's Theatre in Was.h.i.+ngton, D.C. Ever since Lincoln was sworn in as president, he had used these types of opportunities to win favor with his wife in the hopes of getting some late-night action without having to pull out the ”I'm the commander and chief and I order you to remove your clothes and let me have colonial missionary-style s.e.x with you” card.
WITH s.e.x WITH HIS NIMBLE MARY ON THE LINE AND THE LONG AND DEADLY CIVIL WAR AT ITS END, LINCOLN WAS SAYING ALL THE RIGHT THINGS THAT FRIDAY AFTERNOON. He was preaching for loving, one-on-one husband-and-wife relations.h.i.+ps filled with foreplay-rich s.e.x, along with reconciliation with the defeated slave-owning states of the South.
The Play was Murdered by the Critics.
Later that evening, Abe and Mary Todd arrived at the theatre with their invited guests, Major Henry Rathbone and his young and s.e.xy bride-to-be, Clara Harris. Abe had decided earlier in the week that if Mary Todd refuted his advancements he would pull the ”I'm the commander and chief and I order you to remove your clothes and let me have dirty extramarital colonial missionary-style s.e.x with you” card on the young and attractive Harris.