149 Company 3 (1/2)

'Everything will work out as long as I continue to move forward.'

This sentiment of mine was put to a test, as the battle against my onlooker continued. Truth be told, calling it a battle was rather generous. I was just being toyed with and made fun off. A game of cat-and-mouse was a suitable description.

And this fact pissed me off. I am not your toy, you can watch and scoff at. I will never bow down in front of the burdens you place on me. If I have to suffer then so be it, but I can guarantee, the satisfactory end will not come.

Such a vile bastard increasing the pressure on my shoulders until till I collapse only to lessen it again. I will overcome my limits and I spit at your entertainment. Laugh, while you still can, I am going to wipe that smirk out of your face.

I fall to my knees, the pressure lessens I stand back up, the pressure increases. Over and over again, I become the subject of his acts of kindness as I am fueled by my hatred for being perceived as a toy.

I stared into the dark, despite being unable to see I decided to give it the best grin I could muster. I wanted to show, that despite all the trouble I am facing, I am still smiling. You have no control over me and all you subject me to will not break through my smile.

What else have you planned for me? Do you realize, that all you put me through will not enough to force me into submission? In the end, you are the one going to feel despair, knowing that despite all of your efforts, you failed to achieve the result you yearn for.

Look at me, this is not the face of someone you can freely make a fool out of. You best take a good long look at it, you will remember it for a long time to come. I will make you regret choosing me as your target for your twisted desires.

Even after vomiting due to the sheer exhaustion that my mind and body suffered from I pushed myself up, after reminding myself of the perversion. With a big smile, I pressed my worn-out body forwards again, to spite my audience again and again.

I did not know how much time had passed or how many times I stood up again. I stopped counting after the tenth time. It was either standing up or giving it the result it craved for. Seeking for a deeper meaning in this kind of event was pointless.

Finding something so arbitrary in a battle of attrition was a waste of time and having the time to ponder on such an issue, was another luxury in itself, which I could not afford. That is why I sternly ignored every thought of such a nature and forced myself to solely focus on getting up and taking another step.

Whenever I felt a presence close to me I threw an attack with my arms and legs trying to cause an injury but this was to no avail. I never managed to actually hit my target and the air does not care about my punches and kicks.

Time and time again I collapse and force my body to get up once more. My steps were shaky, my body groggy and my other senses became increasingly distant and faint. Yet, I did one step after another.

In the vast darkness I saw, I found myself in a seemingly endless loop with certain doom waiting for me. Even with a clear obsession to prove my spectator wrong I could not get rid of the thought what would await me once I did not manage to move this body of mine.

What were to come once the flesh can not follow the mind? There is a point, in which my body would fail me and all of my struggles would have been for nought. I shook my head, this was the wrong outlook to have. If my body fails, then it will never be for nought. It means I have given my all and fought until the event to avoid giving in.

Or simply said, that when the time comes where I can not stand up anymore, I have done my utmost. It did not take long, for me to figure out that my mind has started to follow a dangerous route once again.

When I can not stand up anymore, I should crawl until I lose my consciousness. By giving myself an out, I only hinder myself and set my self up for failure. Old habits surely die hard. Cursing my old self I moved my body on, despite it aching all over.

In a weird way the pain that had previously brought me down, became a confirmation that I was still giving my all. Having masochistic tendencies was a new side that I discovered about myself. I was more then certain, that I would feel a burning shame if I still had the energy to actually do so.

But my mind was a mess for quite some time now. Traces of logic could only be found from time to time, the rest was an animalistic instinct to stand up and take a step. Any other higher cognitive function had been turned off.

I tried my best to stay aware of my surroundings and my actions, but it kept on slipping away. Though I really liked this mindless feeling, it was liberating me from all the worries and pain that my body was confronted with.

Yet this liberation was not the main reason, it was the feeling of an empty mind, that is not terrorized by my own thoughts. Free of all the self-imposed responsibilities, I started to marvel at the simplicity of my mind and body.

I never had imagined stumbling on such a wondrous sensation in such a mindboggling situation. My body did its task and continued to maintain the act of standing up after falling down, but this mindless activity did not matter to me in this instance.

I was caught in this moment and I wanted to savour this feeling as long as I could. Yet, just like the memories losing myself in such a sweet temptation is not the reality I strive for. I want a life worth living, worth dying for not such a distraction, that makes me feel good in the very moment.

My life should not be about choosing the easy way out or following the path of the least resistance. Life is something raw, neither bad nor good. A fable might be a good night story for children but that is just not how life works.

Slapping myself yet again I got ahold of my body once more. Removing myself out of that wonderful state of might was regrettable but it needed to be done. Escapenaismn is never an option.

Strangely the pain I felt had lessened and the pressure my body felt was almost negligible now. Despite the favourable outcome, I could not find any correlation after mulling over the matter for quite some time.

My mind was clear and my senses returned to their normal sensitivity. Only the darkness remained as my eyes did not perceive anything other than the abysmal layer of black. Although my lack of sight was a problem, that needed to be dealt with as soon as possible, I still had to get out of this situation.

My onlooker had yet to take action, despite me standing still for quite some time now. Was it gauging the situation or thinking about motivating me again. Regardless, there must be a reason for its inaction. If luck is on my side, it simply can not attack me for some uncertain reason. In the worst-case scenario, I had been dancing in its palms for the entire duration.

Seems like asking for odds in my favour would be too much. I will just continue to tell myself that in times of distress humans grow the most. Though I could not help myself from enjoying a situation like this. Only under this kind of circumstances can I finally begin to truly understand what feelings are.

If this search ends with me losing my life, then it was just not supposed to be. I was certain I could feel my lips curling into a smirk as I became mentally prepared for any hardships I might face. Unlike my previous expression, this smile came from the bottom of my heart.

Each step was now done with utter ease, making me wonder whether the previous pain was just another fabrication of my mind and I was played with yet again. Should that be the case, I will find a way to break through it once more.

The laugh I had heard in my surroundings had changed into a calm and collected voice, although I failed to understand a single word. I could not stop myself from being wary of it since, despite its peaceful sound, something inside of me did not feel right when hearing it.