148 Company 2 (1/2)
Opening my eyes after a long dream was not something I had imagined to be very easy. In fact, I had thought of waking up in an environment entirely unknown to me. With peril and danger lurking at every corner, I had to be wary about everything. Since I had no idea what to expect, I could only hope that the stars aligned in my favour.
But in my wildest dreams, I could never have never imagined to find myself in a situation as strange as this. After being engulfed by darkness and watching countless reputations of my memories, I had hoped to find something real.
Yet the pitch-black darkness never disappeared. Instead, after my eyes opened for the first time it violently attacked me, swarming all around me assaulting my every sense. After enduring the pain in my memories one might assume that I got used to it, but that would be a tremendous lie.
Bearing it was egregious and it could only be called a torment. Pondering what I felt and what was the cause was out of the question for me. The only solace I found lied in cussing out loudly and giving all of my pain the verbal middle finger over and over again.
Distracting myself did little to alleviate the pain but when dealing with something so unreasonable every last bit counts. It was a surprise to see exactly how many curse words I know of, especially after I included every language I know off.
Yet the pain refused to subside despite my effort to test the depth of my vocabulary. It just continued to make me suffer. At least feeling pain of this level meant that I was still a life. A realization that I had come one step closer to the reality I had longed for. Though this did not make it any less painful to bear.
There I was alone in the darkness, only hearing myself cursing into the unknown surroundings. Should I be glad that no one seemed to be near me? A question I was unable to answer in the short period of time I had time to think about it. It was hard to reason with pain because pain does not give a damn about my circumstances.
Gritting my teeth I gave my best to face the pain that threatens my sanity. Although I did not manage to block it out entirely, I managed to regain control of my thoughts again. Or rather the ability to think and to not be a prisoner of the pain.
Sadly my persistence did not pay off, as with the little degree of information at my disposal, it was practically impossible to find out more about the cause of my pain. Nor could I find any suitable methods to combat it. Grinning and bearing it was the only thing I could do.
And I can tell I must have been grinning like a madman because it did not seem to come to an end. Rather the pain started to intensify as if it wanted to drive me to insanity once more. In return, I was able to muster more force out of sheer spite to not give in to something as stupid as pain.
This strategy was often employed by brats or young children, but I could not be picky in such a scenario, not when the brunt of the pain kept on terrorizing my entire body. It was a pain that was hard to put in words. Especially when the words I had found so far were rather explicit.
It was a weird sensation that tore through my entire being, unlike normal pain, it ran very deep and left its mark all over me. Did it attack my soul? But why would something be able to injure my soul, after all this time?
I forcefully pushed that thought out of my mind as it was pointless to think about such details right now. I should think pragmatically and establish as many things as possible. Since I can not see, I will have to trust my other senses.
As long as the pain is not a fabrication of my mind, something I really doubt, I can be certain of the fact that I do have a body. Yet, my body did not budge an inch after I tried to move it. It was not the time to be dispirited by the results, my approach was just wrong.
This time around I should not try to brute force success, I will try to feel the smallest parts of my body, to get a feeling. My first target was the pinky in my right hand. After a particularly deep breath, I searched for the feeling of my right pinky. A few seconds, which felt like an eternity, later I finally felt a sensation in my finger.
By focussing on this sensation, I tried to feel more and more. But after I had tried to concentrate on this feeling, I was ruthlessly attacked by the pain which had flared up yet again. This distraction caused me to lose the connection to my pinky finger.
My initial success was enough of a reason for me to continue to try and feel my pinky. As for the pain, I decided to brace it as much as I could, because yielding to it was not an option. Mustering my mental fortitude, I confronted the pain once more on my quest to feel that my finger.
Amidst the torrent of pain, I found the sensation I had looked for. Trying to ignore the pain, I gave it my all just to move this very small part of my body. I did not expect any deliberate movement, I was willing to settle for a twitch.
Yet despite all of my effort, the finger remained it its passive state. This was something I could not accept, I would move this little piece of my body regardless of how much time it would take. I am in control of my body, not the pain.
Several tries and a lot of cursing later I finally managed to wiggle my little finger. This had been a hard-fought battle against myself. It always seems more appealing to just give up, when faced with hardships. I know that all too well since I am prone to throw in the towel preemptively as well.
This small movement was a complete success, but for me, it was not nearly enough. I could not be happy about something so insignificant. I had to strive for more if I wanted to feel true happiness. Otherwise, I would end up with the fake and fabricated emotions of my former life.
My next target was the finger next to it and afterwards another finger would follow. This would continue I can move two of them together then three until I can move my hand again. Once I am done with one hand I move to the other one.
After the hands, came the toes, then the feet, followed by the limbs. I would only stop once I had regained control over my entire body. Anything less and I might as well just give up on living and hide in those fabricated memories again.
I know I am whiny bitch, who only talks big but can not back anything up. I am a pathetic loser, who thinks too highly of himself, despite having nothing to be proud of. But as of now, this is my chance to get something real, there is nothing for me to return to.
Even if there only is hurt, I want to face it directly and to see and feel it. Whether that makes me shallow and hypocritical or brave is not something which matters to me. I am not trying to define myself with big labels and cheer myself up by pretending I am something special.
Hiding behind my lies and accepting my ineptitude is out of the question. Once I start following that path I am already headed directly to the mistakes I have committed in my past life. I should even consider this option, as nothing good would come of it in the first place.
Although the pain never stopped, my fear of losing to myself again stung more. While it felt strange and irrational, it also felt right in a twisted way. Although my motivation had stopped making sense to me, I still had this deep desire to avoid the mistakes of the past,
This urge, just like its counterpart the pain could not be suppressed as they crept on my mind. Letting my frustrations out, I yelled into the dark once more. No reply and no sound came back. There I was, alone with my thoughts and the pain as the company.
Yet, as time passed and the battle in my own body continued to rage on, I discovered that my inherent drive had been strengthened by my constant struggle in the memories. A detail, which I did not dare to ponder further upon.
Drawing strength out of such a fabricated environment was not something I should rely on. I should not look back at those memories and use them at my leisure. Those were fake and all of this is for something that is real, I want something real and not lose sight of what is important.
This was a battle against myself and I desire a total victory, not another ceasefire, I am so tired of this war. I am so over it. Because nothing ever changes as I follow the same footsteps over and over again. I have to break free of this perpetual chain of disappointment.
These words sound so easy, it is due to them not having any weight. Words without actions and conviction are useless. ”NOO, FUCK OFF” I screamed on the top of my lungs. ” DO NOT REASON YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS”
It is okay to be unreasonable, it is okay to be conflicted. But repeating the same old mistakes can not be forgiven. Without thinking about it, I lifted my right hand and slapped myself in the face several times.
” WHEN...WILL...YOU...LEARN?”
”Leichte Schläge auf den Kopf erhöhen das Denkvermögen. ” (Light blows on the head increase the ability to think. German Proverb)