141 The end of a dream 3 (2/2)
On bad days, however, the angel lost all of her composure. This time she was not satisfied with throwing words at me. Her acts became a lot more physical. All I could do was endure all of her wraths while apologizing over and over again.
Sorry for being born. I will never do it again. I am just a waste of space. The world would be better off without me.
Seeing myself being beaten over and over again did not fill me with resentment as much as I had hoped for. I just felt pity, there was no other emotion in me. Back then I had quickly learned how to endure her fits and to just wait until it was all over. Her punches did not even hurt anymore. Partly because her form is absolutely terrible and that the worst part had always been the emotional wounds she left me with.
I just accepted that everything was my fault and moved on. It is scary how the human brain adapts to things like this. Especially since I tried to rationalize who is to blame in this situation. Only to truly understand the underlying dynamic later on when it was already too late.
She was no after my apologies, nor did she truly care about me at all. This was nothing more than her way of venting her frustrations and having full control over me. She, the one having to constantly suck up to others, enjoyed the experience of looking down on others.
After I left the house to attend university she made the unfortunate personal her target. By receiving a nice monetary compensation their silence was ensured. People are willing to bear a lot for the sake of their children and my mother knew how to exploit that.
Should I resent my mother for her insane and vile acts? Probably, but in the I truly feel nothing about it. Why should I give her the satisfaction of still controlling my emotions? Does this lowlife really deserve that much? I will not grant her that satisfaction.
My mother died for me long before I passed away. She was just like any other person to me. I came to the conclusion, that I could leave all of this madness behind by limiting my exposure to this toxic individual.
All of a sudden an all too familiar laugh appeared in my head. It sounded pleasant but it stirred a deep loathing inside of me. It belonged to my sister.
” Oh, dear you did not change at all.” A woman of considerable beauty appeared in front of me. She had long brown hair and her eyes appeared intelligent. With her petite nose and sweet smile, she charmed both genders alike. But looks can be deceiving because I know all too well what is hiding behind those brown eyes.
” You always try to run away from your problems. Avoiding confrontation at any cost. You did this in your former world and continue to do so in this world. So it should not be any surprise to you, that it is going to end the same way.”
A chair manifested behind her, which she elegantly sat down upon.
” The idea to free yourself by forcefully remembering traumatic past events was a step in the right direction but utterly pointless if you still try to rationalize everything to shield yourself from your own emotions.”
The tone in her voice sounded teaching just as I was used to. It really reminded me of my home.
” Even now you do not even try to face me. You just barely manage to muster the courage to look at me. And once again, you have chosen the easy way out. How do you expect things to change when all you do is follow the same old routine?”
Sitting lazily at the chair she looks at me with pity in her eyes.
” A prodigy, a genius, a failure, an idiot. You always thought that none of these labels would do you justice. You are painfully aware, that there will always be someone out there better than you. But is acting like an idiot and selling your self short the best you could come up with? By trying to fool everyone, you only became the fool yourself.”
Her posture did not change as she calmly told me all of this.
” Was that your idea of getting back at everyone? All of that just to burden your parents with some slight inconvenience? Are you that petty? If it were me I would have just played my part, until I had regained full control before giving them a taste of their own medicine. But just as usual, you ran away.”
Behind her countless fragments of memories appeared, each depicting an instance where I lowered my head or escaped with the tail between my legs. Whether it was from my parents, from my sister, from my peers, or even from myself.
” It runs like a thread through your life. Regardless of where you look, you have always chosen to run away. How do you expect to deal with others, when you can not even deal with yourself? Your answer to this question is even more pathetic, then merely running away. ”
Her gaze turned sharp and tension filled the air.
” Not even trying to find an answer to that question is the most despicable thing you could have chosen. At least running away from your problems is an answer. Do you think that your death would absolve you from your feelings of guilt? Just how naive are you?”
The previous tranquillity appeared once more as my sister appeared to be bored by my lack of reaction.
” You will never be able to make enough amends to ease your troubled mind. The past can not be undone and one right does not make up for a lifetime of wrongs. What a truly lamentable fate. In this new life, you are still being held captive by the shackles of your past.”
My sister rose from the chair with elegance before she approached me and slowly danced around me.
” You are a liar, you are deceiver, you are a cynic. But has anyone ever seen your real face? What is hidden underneath that mask of insecurities? I do not have to tell you, you are already aware of it yourself. After all, I am merely a projection of your sub-consciousness.”
She stopped right in front of me and looked me directly in the eyes.
” Are you afraid of yourself”? A wicked smile appeared on her face
”Or are you afraid of losing your self?”