141 The end of a dream 3 (1/2)

The first memory I had was me sitting at the table doing my homework. It was truly not an interesting one since I was woken up by my sister casually shaking me awake. Strange why can I not remember her face?

I was just looking forward and trying to avoid eye contact with her. Yet at that point in time, our relationship had not turned sour. So why was I not looking at her face? The words she said to me were rather fuzzy and I can not clearly remember them. Was she trying to tell me to play with her or convey something my parents wanted me to do?

The mind can be truly interesting, I have no idea why exactly this was the first memory that popped up in my mind. I do not feel that emotionally shaken by the things currently in front of my eyes. Or is this just the silence before the storm, that eventually is going to arise?

Maybe it is just the earliest memory where I noticed that something went wrong. What was the topic we were talking about, I tried my best to recollect it but it was to no avail. I had to move on from this without getting to know the topic behind it.

My next memory took place many years later and I was presenting my grades to my farther. Ah, I remember this scenes vividly. The pressuring silence, the heavy burden of expectations and me knowing that I did not live up to them. I felt like I was walking up to my execution and for good reason. Afterwards, it had always been about my sister and not about me anymore.

It hurts quite a bit to realize that the company has more value than your own flesh and blood. But maybe I am at fault for being a risk to his legacy, to the empire his father had built up from scratch. Maybe his father had raised him with the same mindset or expectations, I can not tell. All I can say is that I never was able to fill the shoes my father wanted me to.

Of course, I was not innocent either. Just swallowing it, bottling all of the frustrations up was certainly not the right way to handle it. Being passive-aggressive was also the best method to alienate me from my entire family.

My dear father had seemed so imposing at that time making it hard for me to breathe, being too ashamed to even open my mouth. Looking at him now, all I see is a feeble man. The power and might he had displayed did not fit the image I currently saw of him. What was the intent behind his actions?

Logically speaking the situation was still salvageable and my father would not give up so easily on his heir. Did he want me to stand up for myself and bring forth methods to redeem myself? Given my upbringing, this seems to be likely. Still, he should have known better, that I would not react well to such a situation. In fact, the opposite took place, driving a wedge between me and my father.

So pointless so utterly pointless. Why does it all have to start by something so ludicrously stupid? Was there not any other way to solve this mess? I did not need to become their heir, I did not need a fortune, no special education, no pretentious friends I did not need all of that. What I needed was a father.

And since he and I clearly did not share the same goals, the outcome was pretty obvious. Although actual arguments between me and him were a rare occasion. It's hard to argue if he was not even present.

All of his time is taken up with the company, running from meeting to meeting talking to investors and distributors, other things are not worth his precious time. At first, I had been carried with him met many ”important” faces to make connections for my future. Later this honour fell on my dear sister, who was introduced as the successor.

My initial involvement was quickly forgotten and my sister was fawned upon. The only thing I was actually remembered for was being the failed product of my father. Near the end, my father did not even acknowledge me anymore. He would have disowned me and cut me out from the family if it did not reflect negatively on his beloved company. What a lucky fellow I must be.

Who needs a loving and caring father figure in your life? I should just be content with what I have, not many people had so many privileges. Having your own nanny is certainly more than a suitable replacement. I am such an ungrateful brat, too spoiled for my own good.

I heard all of them talking behind my back. Ignoring all of the gossip and slandering, was the only option I could take. Those remarks plagued me for quite a long time. Until the day I realized, that these people were just trying to distract themselves from their own miserable lives.

Seeing someone of my status being miserable was a great consolation for them. Forgetting about their own miserable existence if only for a moment is something which I can not take away from them.

In a way, I was envious about their ability to forget about their troubles. I did not have the ability to do so. I would only feel way worse after knowing that I had to stoop so low to feel better. Everyone has their own troubles and worries it did not feel right to lighten my burden by putting down others.

I am neither my father, mother or my sister who could not care any less about others. All that matters to them are the things they have set their eyes upon. Everything else that is useless will be discarded or thrown away.

Besides I am not any better than them. While I do not resort to such measures I am still indifferent to their acts and what happens to anyone else. That makes me even worse than them, those who are aware of evil being committed and still look away are the real scum.

Because it is due to people like me, that evil of such magnitude can happen in the first place. Willful ignorance is what enables these people to do whatever they please. Even worse I still do not care about others in the slightest.

I do not believe in altruism. we humans are way too imperfect to such a concept to work out. Subjecting everyone under the law and evening the playing field for everyone might seem like a noble idea, but those in power are above it.

This does not mean they can not behold accountable if they go too far. It is a fickle act of balance, because if the masses, the very foundation of society start to move, then there is no way their power will save them.

But people have grown too apathetic to care. They do not see them as villains anymore. They change did not happen overnight. Piece by piece was taken away from them and they were told to see each other as the enemy but no the one responsible for the change.

Sadly this is a necessary evil, why else would it have been the most peaceful era? Everything comes at a price. Those at the top will do anything to hold onto it. Whether that means eliminating the opposition or accepting some form of stability.

In my former world, a frail status quo was achieved by that matter. Wars and dictatorships still came and go but the world calmed down. Whether or not it is justified, is up to debate. But it is effective, that can not be denied.

While I had drifted off the memory had continued with the nearly endless silence between me and my father. But I had already lost interest in this memory, relieving it did not stir up any emotions in me. It was just that my perspective had shifted after coming into this world. Things that seemed imposing before lost its lustre.

I began to focus on the next person in my family which was suitable to cause emotional distress in me, that person was my dear mother. My dear mother would always be described as an angel, that is nice to everyone. If my father was the spokesperson of the company then she was the backbone.

With an above-average appearance and an incomparable thirst for recognition, she was the perfect addition to my father. Her ability to socialize was a great benefit, which she often took advantage of. She was always under a lot of stress, constantly trying to curry favour and her best to suck up to the person, she wanted something from.

Having such a disgrace as her son was quite a roadblock for her great endeavour. Her image was ruined by being associated with the likes of me. Sadly for her, it is hard to deny the biological ties. The gossip about their inept son spread like wildfire. It became the talk amongst everyone in her social standing. It does not take much to guess the outcome.

Since her husband was preoccupied with the love of his life, she had no shoulder to cry on either. This much was to be expected, this had never been a marriage born out of love. At least not for my mother, she was just after my father's last name.

In the end, she found solace in a bottle. It became her best company when everything felt unbearable for her. With the alcohol came a terrible temper and mood swings. On good days she would only berate me, calling me all sort of names and then finally falling asleep after she had tired her self out. Next morning everyone everything would be fine again and she became an angel once more.