Part 23 (1/2)

He was back seconds later. 'Seriously? Shaun the Sheep pyjamas?

Kill me now.

He turned off the taps and tested the water. 'Thats fine. Ill leave you now. Dont fall asleep and dont drown or Ill get the blame. Back in half an hour.

Then he was gone, leaving the usual vacuum in his wake.

I undressed very slowly, dropping everything in the bin. I never wanted to see any of it again. How people managed to get drunk regularly was a mystery to me. Or why they would want to. I was only ever drinking water from now on. If I wanted to be frivolously irresponsible and let rip, then Id put a slice of lemon in it.

I lay back in the warm, heavily scented water and closed my eyes.

'Dont go to sleep, said Thomas, anxiously.

I washed my face clean, then my hair, then the rest of me, feeling a little better with every pa.s.sing moment.

Half an hour later I was bathed, teeth cleaned ' Dont look in the mirror. It wont do you any good at all and its not as if you dont know where your teeth are. and was sitting on my bed combing my hair. Id had three sips of water and every single one had stayed put. Someone had put fresh sheets on the bed and I climbed in, exhausted, and fell asleep again, waking only when Mrs Crisp brought Dr Williams, whod known me for ever.

'Well, Jenny. Mrs Checkland, I should say. What have you been doing to yourself?

I was looking at Mrs Crisp as he spoke and her face spoke volumes.

'I think I ... drank too much, I said, as best I could.

'And how much did you drink? One bottle? Two?

'One, I said. 'Gla.s.s, and he chuckled.

'Well, there are a number of possibilities here. You drank too much. You ate something that disagreed with you. Mrs Crisp closed her eyes. 'Or youve got one of the many bugs flying around at this time of year. Lets have a look, shall we?

He began to do doctor things.

I reached out and pinched his hand. 'I cant have eaten anything ... bad, I said, carefully, cutting my eyes to Mrs Crisp. 'We had a ... dinner party. Six of us. Everyone else is fine.

He paused briefly and then said, 'Well, that seems to dispose of that theory. And quite honestly, Jenny, Mrs Checkland, I dont think one gla.s.s of wine would produce quite such spectacular results, so tummy bug it is. When did it start?

He did all the usual medical things, wrote a prescription and asked Mrs Crisp to take it downstairs.

After shed gone and he was packing things away, he said, 'That was a kind thought, Jenny, but unnecessary, I think. Ive known Lizzie Crisp for years and seafood and chicken notwithstanding, shes incapable of producing bad food. And as you said, everyone else is fine. No, I think well go with the popular choice, the twenty-four-hour tummy bug. Take things easy for a day or so. Sip water. Eat a little toast when you feel like it. I know you think youll never eat again, but you will, believe me.

'Thank you. Please dont mention this to my aunt.

'Wouldnt dream of it. Youll do fine here, Jenny. Plenty of people to look after you, but if it starts up again, let me know immediately and Ill come straight back.

Something occurred to me. Id never had to think about this sort of thing before. 'Am I a private patient?

'One of my favourites, so look after yourself. You might want to approach wine with more caution, next time. Goodbye, Mrs Checkland.

He closed the door behind him.

I did nothing for two days. On the third day, I rose again, dressed carefully, and trailed down the stairs, with Thomas chirping anxiously every inch of the way.

'For heavens sake be careful on the stairs, he muttered, as if Id forgotten how to put one foot in front of the other. To please him, I inched my way forwards with the speed of a striking glacier. People grew old in the time it took me to make my way downstairs.

In the kitchen, I was given the warm seat by the stove, a cup of tea, and an inquisition into my state of health.

'Still alive then? said Russell.

I glanced down at myself, just to check, and nodded.

'You poor old thing, he said, with easy, if not complimentary, sympathy. 'Im taking Mrs C and Kevin into town this afternoon. Sharon will be here if you need anything. Are you OK with that?

Actually, I thought a quiet afternoon not doing anything would be very pleasant.

I never learn.

Sharon was baking and pleased to have me around. She was trying out new ideas for cupcakes and I happily drank tea and lined trays with baking cases for her. When shed finished, she chucked it all in the oven and slammed the door.

'Never be afraid, she said, sensing my startled look. 'Slam the door and show them whos the boss.

Someone knocked at the front door. An event so unusual that for a moment, no one knew quite what to do.

'Well, open it, said Thomas, giving us a clue.

Sharon went out, returning a minute later, her face as white as her ap.r.o.n. 'Its a man, Mrs Checkland. He says he wants his donkey back or hes going to the police.

I went straight into full-blown panic. I knew this would happen. I told Russell this would happen. You cant just go around stealing peoples donkeys w.i.l.l.y-nilly. I said the owner would turn up. And here he was. And where was our intrepid donkey-napper now the chips were down? If I knew anything, theyd all be in a pub somewhere, while I held the fort and the donkey and had to deal with incensed owners, the police, the legal system, and Aunt Julia, because shed find out about it somehow, if only when Uncle Richard had to try and keep me out of prison.

'Have you quite finished? asked Thomas, amused.

'Its not funny. h.e.l.l have to come back when Russells here.

Sharon was waiting. 'Hes really angry. Says if you dont hand her over h.e.l.l go and get her himself.

Oh, my G.o.d, what was I going to do? Where the h.e.l.l was Russell?

'Oh, he wont be back for hours, said Thomas, unhelpfully. ' Its all up to you Jenny. Theres no one else.

'I cant do it alone.

'Youre not alone. Now come on, straighten your hair and go and kick his a.s.s. Not literally. Actually, that was quite funny.

'Thomas ...

'I mean it, Jenny. Stop being so pathetic and save your donkey. You dont want him to get her back, do you?

'Youre beginning to annoy me.

'Excellent. Now get in there.

'This is something else well be talking about later.