Part 7 (1/2)

'And then I woke up one morning and she was sitting by the bed with her suitcases. I know what people said about her, but she did at least say goodbye to my face. Then she picked up her stuff and walked away.

'Maybe if Id cried, instead of getting drunk. Maybe if I hadnt trashed all my work. Maybe I should have just carried on. Id painted joy, maybe I should have painted despair. I drank instead. A lot.

'And then, as you know, my father turned up. He settled my debts, although dont think I didnt pay one way or another. And pay and pay. I went off to the army I didnt care what I did them. I had some idea about serving my country, I suppose. Well, that didnt work either. Back home I came and here she was. Only a few miles away.

He sipped his coffee carefully.

'I should have gone away. And stayed away. I couldnt do it, I meant to keep away from her and then one day, there she was. Standing in front of me. No warning. No escape. She smiled. I was there. No control. No pride. She lifted her little finger and I left a smoking groove in the carpet.

'But its not the same now. There are others involved. Its wrong. But I thought if I could just see her then maybe I could paint again. Maybe it would all come back. Maybe it will be as it was.

'You see, said Thomas very softly, 'not one single word of love.

'And was it?

'Not yet.

I had a sudden moment of clarity. It wasnt Francesca, as such, that he wanted. It was what she represented. That was what he wanted back. That time when everything he painted was golden and he felt like the king of the world. But you cant go back. You can never go back.

I felt so sorry for him. I had envied him. All this time Id been living my little life and hed been out there, at the centre of his world, full of life and energy. But there was always a downside and it usually involved pain and suffering and I was looking at the result in front of me. In that minute, my heart went out to him. I reached out my hand.

He took it and held it hard. 'I swear to you, if you marry me I will never do one single thing to hurt you. You have my word. Im not a complete b.a.s.t.a.r.d, you know. Youll be safe with me.

I had no stupid ideas about redemption. That doesnt happen. But one day shed walk away from him again. Whether she married Daniel Palmer or not, she would walk away. And he might not survive a second time. And when that happened and it would this time there should be someone there for him. Someone to stop him destroying the things that meant most to him. I knew why he had done it. One pain to cancel out another. But Francesca wasnt the only thing he missed. He was grieving for his lost paintings too and didnt know it.

I closed my mind to the oncoming fury and strife. The next few days would not be easy at all.

He read my thoughts. 'Ill make sure it all falls on me. Ill be there.

'And I will too, said Thomas. 'Im here for as long as you need me.

What could go wrong?

Of course, I should have asked questions. I should have asked what the marriage would actually entail. What would he get out of it apart from the money? How would I benefit apart from gaining a home? I should have asked about what he expected from me and what I could expect from him. About children. About the future. How would we make it work? The day to day, nuts and bolts bits of two people living together. And most of all, I should have talked about Francesca. Asked proper questions I mean, not just accepted his blithe a.s.surance ...

I should have made a better effort. Words circled my head but none of them touched down. I should have made an attempt to s.h.i.+ft the log jam inside me. But Id had a brief, a wonderful glimpse of a bright, far-off country.

I said yes.

Of course, that was the easy bit.

'What are you doing tomorrow? he asked.

'Finis.h.i.+ng the dining room, I said, determined to put off speaking to my family for at least the next decade. I had no idea at all how I was to explain I would be marrying a man Id known for less than a month and who was notorious for his public pursuit of their daughter. Who had dumped him. Put like that I could hardly explain it to myself.

'OK, yes, youre right. One job at a time, said my easily distracted fiance. 'Ill ring and make an appointment with your uncle for ... Wednesday morning. Ill come to you afterwards and well see your aunt together. I want you to try not to worry too much. Its going to be a little difficult, but what can they actually do, after all? A few minutes unpleasantness and were done.

We finished the dining room the next day. Russell tried to get Andrew for the weekend to help move the furniture but he said he and Tanya were going away. They did, however, agree to join us in Rushford for a small celebration on Wednesday evening.

'Well need to relax a bit after spending the afternoon talking to your ghastly relatives, he said breezily and none of us realised that lively though that day would be, the evening was to be even more exciting.

Wednesday came and I seriously considered staying in bed all day. Thomas made me get up. I dressed carefully and sat and watched the clock, stomach churning.

Just before noon, I heard a car pull up and stood on tiptoe to peer out of the dormer window. It wasnt Russell. It was Uncle Richard. Something was wrong. He never came home during the day.

I turned helplessly to Thomas, 'You dont know whats happened, he said. 'Dont panic yet.

'Uncle Richard said no, and now theyre going to send me away.

'It isnt in Uncle Richards power to say no. Youre twenty-eight years old. You can do as you please.

'Theyll lock me away.

' No, they wont. The only locks are the ones inside your own head. I know this is hard, but its vital you stay calm. Dont allow them to agitate you. Try and deal with things one at a time, quietly and with restraint. This may well be your only chance. Take it.

Its all very well saying 'keep calm but not half so easy to do. I was well aware of the potential for disaster and it looked as if I would be facing it on my own. Where the h.e.l.l was Russell? Had he been frightened away? Had he changed his mind? Had Francesca suddenly said yes, and hed forgotten all about me?

'Stop that, said Thomas, quite sharply for him. ' Stop torturing yourself. Theres any number of good reasons why hes not here yet. Can you hold the fort until he is?

'Yes, I said. And then with more determination, 'Yes, I can.

'Good girl.

We heard a step on the stair.

'Good luck.

Uncle Richard tapped on the door. It would never be Aunt Julia. The last time she was up here was to supervise the hanging of my new curtains, about ten years ago.

I threw myself into a chair and picked up a book.

'Upside down.

I righted it and called, 'Come in.

'Ah, Jenny, good morning.

'h.e.l.lo.

'Can you come downstairs a minute please? Your aunt and I would like a quick word.

I followed him down to the lounge, a symphony in pale blue and grey and with furniture I hadnt realised was so desperately uncomfortable until I sprawled on Russell Checklands baggy, saggy stuff.

Aunt Julia was livid. Absolutely livid. I could see it in her restless pacing and the angry glitter in her eyes.

She wheeled round as I entered.

'Go slowly, advised Thomas. ' Make her wait. It will either slow her down too, or sh.e.l.l explode. Either way is good. Just dont let her rush you into saying or doing anything rash.

I wasnt asked to sit down. Id lived in this house twenty years and still I felt I had to be asked to sit down. That wasnt right. Id never minded before, but now I did. My heart rate slowed a little, my legs straightened, and I lifted my head.