Part 3 (1/2)

'Yes, Im fine too. Not at the moment, obviously, and tomorrow Im going to hate myself and probably the rest of the world too, but Ill worry about that tomorrow. What are you doing now? Do you have a job?

I shook my head.

'So what do you do? Of course, you probably dont have to work, do you? Youve got your parents money. Where do you live? Wait, are you still living with the Kingdoms?

I nodded.

'Hang on. Im twenty-nine, you must be, what, about twenty-eight, and you still live with those dull old sticks? Why? What happened? Oh, sod this for a game of soldiers, Jenny. Drink your drink and say something.

What could I say? I couldnt tell him it was either Aunt Julia or some sort of inst.i.tution. He put a finger gently under my gla.s.s. 'Drink up. It might help. If not, you can write me an essay. Five hundred words on ”Why I choose to live with the most boring people in the universe when I could be out being a good-time girl”.

I choked, sipped, and choked again.

'Thats my girl. Youll be chattering away in no time. When Ive had a few I cant shut up.

It doesnt work like that, but it occurred to me that I could be sober and awkward, or drunk and awkward, and Id been sober and awkward all my life. I took a few more sips and leaned back.

'Thats better. Now, tell me. Theres no rush. The longer Im out of the way the happier people seem to be.

'I know the feeling.

Now where had that come from? Oh, yes. I peered into my half-empty gla.s.s. Perhaps he hadnt heard me.

He was staring into the fire. Without him looking at me, my heart slowed down a little. I began to feel more relaxed. Things unclenched. I thought of what I wanted to say and reduced it to the fewest possible words.

'They thought it ... best I stayed there. Sometimes, things get ... so I ... it was easier. Better. I read. I study. I did get my ... degree, you see, I said, desperately trying to make myself more interesting to someone who did more in a day than I did in a year.

He wasnt deceived at all. 'But you could have done so much. You still could. You could still live in Rushford where your family and friends are. Im not saying go to London or Leeds or Bristol, but surely ... he petered out. 'Sorry, its not my business, I know. It just seems such a waste of a life.

Something writhed inside me and for a moment I was back in those long dark days when my world was so small I couldnt even stand up in it. And those long dark nights when I wondered why I was so insignificant and what would become of me and trying to stifle the panic ...

Something must have shown in my face because here came Thomas, galloping down the room to stand nearby, solid and comforting and protecting. My s.h.i.+eld against the world. He breathed warmth and rea.s.surance into my hair.

Russell was already putting down his cup and saucer, not looking at me. 'It occurs to me that Im doing rather a lot of damage tonight and not just to myself. Huge apologies, Jenny. Sometimes I think I shouldnt be allowed to mix with decent people.

From nowhere, I said again, 'I know the feeling.

He sat back down again. 'Yes, you do, dont you. And youre dealing with it much better than I am.

'No. No, Im not. At least youre ... fighting back. You get out there and make the world notice you. You have the freedom to ... come and go as you please. You have social skills. You have talent. You ... could be whatever you wanted. Every day, I just sit in my room, hating it and unable to leave because Im too ... scared to take the consequences.

Oh my G.o.d. Did I just say that? Did I really say all that?

He pounced. 'What consequences?

Oh, what the h.e.l.l. I tipped the gla.s.s back and finished my drink, relis.h.i.+ng that rather nice, warm feeling. 'I either live with my family or I have to go to some sort of ... home. Thats the deal.

He was bewildered. 'But why? Whats the matter with you?

I glared at him, exasperated.

'No, I dont mean that. The last I heard, having a bit of a stutter wasnt any sort of reason for chucking a person into a secure facility.

'Well, I dont think they meant ... Broadmoor.

'They shouldnt mean anything at all. Its all b.o.l.l.o.c.ks, Jenny. Im sure they mean well, but there is such a thing as over-protectiveness and it wouldnt do you any harm to get out a bit more. Youre talking to me. I can understand you easily enough. You should go out and practise more. Talk to people in shops. Ask people the time. I mean it. You get anxious because you cant speak properly and you cant speak properly because you get anxious. Break the circle.

'Its not that easy. If it doesnt clear up in childhood then the chances are ...

'I dont care what the chances are. Make your own chances. Youre talking to me at the moment.

'Thats the alcohol.

'In a fruit punch? I dont think so. Give yourself more credit, girl. Or alternatively, start the day with a couple of vodkas. Works for me.

I tried to see Thoma.s.s face, but he was turned away from me. Was he laughing?

'Oh yes, I said sarcastically. 'Instead of waking ... each morning wondering how to fill the hours ahead, I can ... pull a bottle from under the pillow and ... I stopped. And what? What would I do if I could? If I had a choice, what would I choose? Frightening chasms yawned at my feet. This was why I stayed in my room.

'Well, I dont mean you should hitch-hike across India, for G.o.ds sake. Start small. Heres an idea. What do you know about buckets?

OK, no more alcohol for me. I obviously had zero tolerance and it was already affecting my brain. However, I knew the answer to this one.

'Plastic things, I said proudly. 'In many colours. Or metal. s.h.i.+ny. They have holes. Theres a ... song about it. You kick them when you die. And sat back, pleased with the completeness of my answer.

'Excellent, youre obviously a leading authority. What are you doing tomorrow morning?

'Nothing, I said, without hesitation.

'Good. Meet me outside the post office at 10.30. No, better make it 11.00 Ill need a bit of a lie-in. You can help me buy buckets.

'Look out, said Thomas, suddenly. 'Incoming.

I looked up. A very unhappy looking Uncle Richard was approaching.

'Yes, I said to Russell, and then my uncle was upon us, his gentle face frowning.

'Russell. I heard you were here.

Russell stood up, suddenly alarmingly sober. 'Richard, good evening. Jenny and I have been catching up.

My uncle looked at me, then at the gla.s.s on the table and said in apocalyptic tones, 'Jenny? Have you been ... drinking?

I didnt know whether to laugh, cry, hiccup, or panic. As usual, everything inside me clumped together for safety and nothing emerged.

'Good heavens, said Russell, indignantly, 'of course she hasnt. Unless you count coffee, of course. He gestured to the cup and saucer.

'Jenny, you know your aunt doesnt like you to drink coffee. It can be very stimulating.

'Have a heart, Richard, its a party. Let her have a little fun.