Part 24 (2/2)
”I might want to prance around in nothing but my thong,” I blurted. What can I say? My ma scares the c.r.a.p out of me. ”I can't very well get my naked on with Rob parked on my sofa.” ”So you wear a robe. It's a small sacrifice to help a member of your family.”
”What am I supposed to do if I meet that perfect vampire and he wants to sleep over? Or move in? How will we all fit?”
”Don't be silly, dear. All vampires are perfect.”
”You're missing the point. Say I meet The One. I can't spend eternity with someone if they don't even fit in my apartment.”
She nailed me with a stare. ”Have you met someone?”
This was it. My chance to come clean and tell her about Ty and the fact that I 'd practically pledged my afterlife to him and he hadn't so much as hinted at the L word.
”Not yet. But you never know. It could happen just like that. One minute I 'm single and the next I'm happily attached and giving up half-er, make that a quarter of my closet s.p.a.ce.”
What? I've got a lot of stuff.
”Rob can come and live at home if that happens,” my mother informed me. ”In his old room.”
Sheesh. Now I'd never get him out of my place.
”Listen, Mom-” I started, only to be interrupted by the sound of metal clunking down the walkway outside.
Three heartbeats later, Elmer wheeled in what looked suspiciously like a mattress.
”Here you are, Mrs. Marchette. My last double roll-away.” He tapped the edge. ”She's a beaut, ain't she?”
Reality hit me like a cheap shoe right between the eyes. ”You're really staying here?” I turned to my ma. ”In this room?”
”Rodeo lasts through next week,” Elmer informed me. ”This is the best I could do without a reservation.”
My recent kidnapping rolled through my head and hope fired to life. ”But there's a Holiday Inn on the interstate going toward Fredericksburg. Complete with mini-bar, down comforter-you name it. Really, Ma, you can't possibly want to stay here.”
”Lookee here-” Elmer started, but I silenced him with a mental Shut up now and I'll do my best to hook you up with DoraLee at the nail salon.
His mouth snapped closed.
”Just look at this place,” I rushed on. ”It's totally beneath you. Tasteless. Cheap. You can't be serious.”
She cast a look around and I didn't miss the You said it in her gaze. To her credit, however, her smile didn't falter. ”Lilliana, it doesn't matter where we stay. All that matters is that Millie's here instead of back home humping your brother.” My mother smiled.
”It'll be delightful.”
Delightful meaning about as pleasant as having my skin peeled away inch by inch.
And I thought Esther had it rough?
I spent the next five minutes stacking my mother's luggage in every available corner while she, Nina and Mandy piled on the bed to talk about ”girl stuff.”
Angelina's latest comments about Jen.
Jen's No comment regarding Angelina's comments.
Brad's comments about Angelina's comments about Jen's no comment.
It seemed my mother had been forced to fly coach since she'd booked at the last minute. Rather than slaughter the woman next to her (who insisted on showing the 389 photos of her newest grandson), my mom had opted for no bloodshed and the latest copy of Entertainment Weekly.
Go Ma.
”What do you think, Lil?” Nina tried to draw me into the conversation. ”Is Ang a hater or what?”
”I think she's insecure. That reminds me”-I s.n.a.t.c.hed up my phone-”I've got a long list of desperately insecure singles depending on me.” I made a mad dash for the bathroom and locked myself in.
Scrolling through numbers, I found Tabitha's home and hit ON.
”I'm so sorry about tonight,” I told her the minute her voice mail picked up. I gave her the line about the importance of a few practice dates when traveling the road to happily ever after. ”In the meantime, I'm doing everything possible to make the journey short.”
With my anxiety raging and the possibility of a refund in my near future, I needed a serious pick-me-up. I punched in DeWalt's number for a quick update on his date with Jonelle.
”She's great.”
Relief swamped me. Maybe I didn't totally suck at this matchmaking thing.
”We're seeing each other tomorrow,” he went on. ”Who's next?”
Okay, so maybe I did suck.
”Another? Sure. No problem. One fertile female BV coming right up.”
Since I didn't have one, much less four, waiting in line, the urge to freak hit hard and fast. I counted to ten (the top ten new designers featured in Barneys' upcoming spring collection), which relaxed my muscles and successfully distracted me from the urge to hang myself from the shower rod.
Mia was next on my call list and I instantly regretted punching her digits. She 'd gone into withdrawal from lack of s.e.x, slipped with her tattoo needle and put a heart on some guy's t.e.s.t.i.c.l.e. But other than a major lawsuit, her life was just great (bye -bye, regret). She liked Harmon and was still determined to go through with the no-nooky policy. She figured if she made it through one more date (a free Lawrence Welk tribute concert in Central Park) she could handle anything, even a lifetime of boring and s.e.xless.
I didn't have a good-looking nympho waiting in the wings, so I quickly agreed. ”Who needs s.e.x when you can have companions.h.i.+p?” ”Exactly,” Mia said. ”I'm through looking for a needle in a haystack. I'm settling for the hay, and I owe it all to you, Lil.”
At least I had one satisfied customer out there.
Still, I found myself Googling Nymphos-R-Us on my phone just to see if maybe there wasn't a local chapter that might provide a surplus of prospects.
Take the money and run, right? I would have except my conscience kept niggling at me and, well, we 're talking Lawrence Welk. I couldn't just sit by and let anyone endure that kind of torture.
I called Rob next, but his voice mail was full. I sent a text instead Get. Out. Now!
I toyed with the idea of calling Ty, particularly since he'd left me two voice mails.
<script>