Part 24 (1/2)
”But the snacks aren't for me, dear. If you intend to conceive, you need to keep up your strength.”
”I doubt Doritos will do much by way of nutrition.” She seemed to think. ”Then again, I am on vacation and I could certainly use a snack. They had dinner on the plane, but it was spaghetti and I'm allergic to tomatoes.”
”Such a tragedy,” my mother said, but I didn't miss the gleam that lit her eyes. I had a bad feeling our retreat was now going to include tomato paste facials.
”Be back in a flash.” Mandy headed for the lobby.
Meanwhile, I was still trying to process the all-important fact that my mother was here. Now.
”Close your mouth, dear.” My mother waved a hand. ”You're liable to swallow one of these pesky flies.”
”There's a bug zapper in the bathroom,” I heard myself say.
”Oh, joy.”
Here. Now.
”You need to feed, Lilliana. You're much too pale.” ”What are you doing here?” I asked when I finally managed to find my voice.
”Protecting my son. The Yaz attempt at Crazy J's backfired. I think someone is trying to sabotage me.”
”What a b.i.t.c.h.” I summoned my most shocked/ innocent expression. ”So, um, what makes you think that?”
My mother gave me a knowing look. ”Someone switched restaurants.”
”The traitor.”
”Mandy said it was Evie and Evie said it was you.”
Busted. ”It was me. I switched the restaurants on purpose. But I did it for you, Ma. If Jack had found out, he would have been even more determined to have a human baby, just to spite you.”
”Your brother can be quite the rebel.”
”You need to come up with something more subtle. Why not just scare her into giving up the baby effort?”
”You mean like flash my fangs and threaten her?” She looked hopeful. ”Maybe rip out someone's throat right in front of her?”
”Just tell her how hard it is. Talk to her. Maybe she'll change her mind on her own.”
She gave it a moment's consideration and I thought she might actually agree with me. But then she shook her head. ”I need a more direct approach.” She waved a hand. ”What do you think about suffocation?”
”I'd go for something a little more inconspicuous.”
”Strangulation?”
”Too hands-on.”
”Bullet to the head?”
”Listen, Ma, I know you like a good kill as much as the rest of us vamps”-self excluded-”but Jack would never forgive you.
You know that. He's in love with Mandy.” She narrowed her gaze. ”Or at least he thinks he is.”
”You're right,” she said after another contemplative moment. ”I can't very well shed Mindy's blood and have him hate me for the rest of his afterlife.”
”It's Mandy, Ma. Not Mindy.”
”What ever. I'll just have to think of something else. At least I can rest easy for the next week. That fact alone makes all the smiles and horrid enthusiasm doable. They certainly can't reproduce with a thousand miles between them. Not that your brother's sperm isn't up for a lengthy swim. He's a Marchette, after all. But even Marchette sperm would have difficulty crossing several state lines.”
I'm as confident in my s.e.xuality as the next modern vampire. I 've burned my share of bras (a few off -the-rack babies I'd gotten on sale) and been to over a dozen Pa.s.sion Parties and I'd even sat through the 9 Weeks DVD seven times in the hope of trying out a certain cherry scene with one hunkilicious bounty hunter. I was totally secure, and I certainly didn't blush when it came to talking s.e.x.
”Though your uncle Richard did manage to impregnate Aunt Denise while she was in Palm Springs and he was in Las Vegas on a business trip a few years ago. Apparently, they'd had intercourse before he'd left and the little b.u.g.g.e.rs managed to survive two solid weeks until Denise had another o.r.g.a.s.m and released a viable egg.” But epletely moved out by the time you get back.”
My hopes shot sky high. ”He found a new place?”
”I wouldn't call it new. It's ancient. And extremely small. One bedroom. Minute living area. Microscopic kitchen.”
”That sounds like my apartment.”
She smiled and dread rolled through me. ”It'll be just like when you were growing up. Of course, you had your own suite and Rob had his and there was an entire castle between the two of you. And lots of tasteful furniture. And expensive rugs. And several servants.” She gave a s.h.i.+ver. ”How you manage in that sardine can, without at least a foot ma.s.seuse, I'll never know.”
My gaze narrowed. That was my sardine can.
She waved a hand and rushed on, ”Nevertheless, it'll be a wonderful chance for the two of you to reconnect. You can go hunting together. Perhaps scout out potential blood slaves.”
”Sounds fab.” Not.
”You need a positive influence in your afterlife.”
”It's Rob, Ma. Last New Year's he got so s.h.i.+t-faced he tried to sink his teeth into the yard sculpture of Aphrodite.”
”So he'd had a few too many toasts? It was a holiday. ”
I arched an eyebrow. ”And the time he tried to hump Dad's life-sized cutout of Tiger Woods?”
”That was the fourth of July. And he thought it was Halle Berry.”
”He propositioned Grandma Jolie.”
”Groundhog Day. And my mother is a beautiful woman.”
”This is crazy.” I shook my head. ”No. Uh-uh. Not happening. He's not cras.h.i.+ng at my place permanently.”
”Why ever not?”
”Because ...” It was time he stopped being an irresponsible jerk and started owning up to his responsibilities-namely the born female vampire who loved him and the baby that was on the way.