Part 7 (2/2)

In other words, his thoughts read like a testimonial to Swiss Colony.

His name was Hans and he liked cheese. He preferred the smoked cheddar, but on occasion he went a little crazy and indulged in a nut-covered Gouda or a little creamy Havarti. And he went total apes.h.i.+t over the chive and cream cheese crock spread.

He smiled. ”I've been vaiting for you.” He pushed to his feet and motioned toward my bedroom.

I glanced at the open doorway. Candles blazed and a pile of pillows waited on the bed.

”I have everyzing ready,” he added.

”Ready for what?”

”Ma.s.sage. We must do ma.s.sage.” Because that's what Hans did. He ate cheese and gave ma.s.sages, and since I was fresh out of a party tray, he was going for the next best thing.

Another glance at the candles and pillows and my muscles screamed for relief.

”Come.” He motioned me into the bedroom, his Johnson bobbing with enthusiasm.

While I have nothing against a naked man stoked at the prospect of putting his hands on me, it just didn 't seem right, considering Ty had been here only hours ago. And he'd been naked. And, well, I much preferred him naked to anyone else. That, and my mother would s.h.i.+t a brick if she knew Hans was here.

In case you haven't tuned in, my mother is a tad on the selfish side. And domineering. And since I refused to cooperate and do the Moe's thing, she'd cut me off from any and all amenities-no housekeeping, no ma.s.sage, no free dry cleaning. I was totally and completely on my own.

Which was exactly the way I liked it. Most of the time. But after worrying all day, I was kinda sorta feeling sorry for myself and, well, he was already here.

I headed for the bedroom. ”Would you mind wrapping a towel around your waist?” I asked as I slipped into the bathroom, ditched my clothes and donned a robe.

”I give best ma.s.sage when I can move freely.”

”I get best ma.s.sage when I'm not distracted,” I said as I opened the door. I tossed him an extra large bath sheet. ”There's a cheese wheel in it for you if you cooperate.”

His eyes glittered. ”Cheddar?”

”If you want.”

He s.n.a.t.c.hed up the bath sheet, wrapped it around his toned middle and knotted it at his hip. ”All eez ready.”

Five seconds later, I sank facedown into a mound of pillows. He hit the lights, plunging us into the candlelit darkness. He hummed as he reached for a bottle of scented oil.

The warm liquid trickled between my shoulder blades and for the first time I started to think that maybe, just maybe, Fate wasn't taking a big giant c.r.a.p right on top of me. Sure, one of my good friends and clients was missing and my mom was an anti - human nut and my best friend in the whole world was about to make the biggest mistake of her afterlife, and my happily-ever-after with Ty wasn't exactly the picture-perfect one I'd always dreamt of (he was still made and I was still born and we still had to break the news to my family), but things could be worse.

That's what I told myself as the oil trickled over my skin and Hans rubbed his hands together.

My life wasn't bad. Not even close. I had my friends. I had my family. I had my health. I had a one-of-a-kind pair of Miu Miu silk slippers- Rrrringggggg!

The phone echoed and the world cut me off mid-positive reinforcement. I closed my eyes as a wave of Oh, no rolled through me.

Would I ever get a friggin' break?

R rrringggg!

I knew deep in my gut it wasn't Ash calling to tell me that Esther was fine. Or Ty proclaiming his undying love. Or Nina One telling me that she loved Rob and couldn't imagine eternity without him. It was bad news. Fate straining for that final plopppp.

I buried my head under a pillow and tried to tune out everything except the feel of the oil pooling on my skin. Ignorance is bliss, right? I would slink away emotionally and hide out for a little while. Maybe indulge in a few fantasies while Hans worked his magic.

I was just about to settle down on a white sand beach and sip a few margaritas when the ringing stopped and the answering machine kicked in.

My mother's stern voice lifted the edge of the pillow, crawled beneath and smacked me on the side of the head.

”I know Hans is there.”

”You do not know that,” I murmured into the soft down.

”I do,” she said. My head snapped up and the pillow went bye-bye.

I glanced around, but didn't see any surveillance equipment. I eyed Hans, who was busy cracking his knuckles to warm up.

Had she bugged him?

”Your brother told me that Mandy sent him over,” my mom added as if she could hear the thoughts echoing in my head. ”And if he's there, it means he isn't here for my nightly bedtime ma.s.sage. I haven't missed my nightly in five years, three months and four days, and I don't intend to start now.” A hard note crept into her voice. ”You have exactly forty-five minutes to get him home or I'm going to call Jonelle Dubois at the club and have her cancel her profile.”

Jonelle Dubois was a high-profile born vampire who'd recently lost her significant other to a freak accident involving a Harley, a motorcycle ramp and a misplaced flagpole. Needless to say, she was lonely and in desperate need of a BV father -figure for her thirteen children. Thanks to my mother, I'd landed her profile (and a nice, big fat check, which had paid my Visa for this month and funded the refreshments for last night's soiree).

I gathered the robe to me, slid out from under Hans's hands and headed for the phone.

”I think I'll introduce her to your father's lawyer at tomorrow night's hunt.”

I.e. the vamp's version of the Outdoor Channel's Hunting for Dollars. We all gathered at my folks' and hunted the it person to keep our skills sharp. The prize? Bonus vacation days from Moe's.

”He's nice. Single. His fertility rating isn't all that impressive, but Jonelle has all of the children she wants,” my mom went on.

”She's looking forward to grandchildren at this point, so I doubt she'll be turned off by-”

”I was about to put Hans in a cab.” The words rushed out as I picked up the phone. ”I barely got home from work and found him. Just this very second,” I added. ”I haven't even had a chance to slide off my shoes, much less slip into a robe and stretch out on the bed for what I'm sure would be the ma.s.sage of my afterlife. Really.”

”Lilliana, I don't appreciate you undermining my efforts with Jack's human.”

”Her name is Mandy and I wasn't undermining anything. She doesn't like ma.s.sages,” I blurted. ”Not if they're given by, um, Swedish people. She's, um, allergic.” You try coming up with something better when you're naked and oily and totally stressed. ”Really?”

”Cross my heart.”

”Wonderful.” My mother cheered immediately. ”I'll have Hans serve the drinks at tomorrow night's hunt. That ought to inspire a nasty reaction. Make sure you're on time, dear. I have another plan and I need your help.”

No. Not happening. Not this vampire. No way. No how. Nuh-uh.

”Lilliana?”

”Okay,” I heard myself squeak.

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