Part 49 (1/2)

Again and again the pain tore through her. It was so immense that she writhed with it, unable to brace against it. She knew childbirth could be agony, but this... this was more than that. Catriona's illness had ravaged her so thoroughly that the rigors of giving birth were literally tearing her apart. And Talia couldn't separate the pain of one from the pain of another. Her body jerked and twisted as each wave ripped through her. How much longer could she hold on? She felt her grasp slip repeatedly but forced whatever focus she had left to the single-minded effort of maintaining the contact so her sister might live through this.

The baby forced its way lower. Lower still until she felt she was being torn in two. The baby! Yes, yes, almost there! She bore down and felt a scream tear from somewhere deep inside her. Or inside Catriona. She no longer knew where she ended and Catriona began.

Air. No air, no air! Breathe! Can't breathe. Suddenly Talia felt an encroaching cold crawl toward her. It was terrifyingly black, deeper than any hole, sucking her in. So cold. Breathe. Talia fought to hold on, but the black threatened to consume her. A howling pain shrieked through her. Icy fingers clawed at her belly. Dying.”NO!” Talia jerked out of it and found herself lying in a pool of sweat, trembling hard, unable to catch her breath. Her body lay twisted on the blue mat. It took her a moment to focus on the water, then Baleweg's face came into view.

”The baby is almost there,” she gasped. ”Catriona is dying.” She gulped at the

air. She was so cold, so cold. Sleep. It pulled at her, begging her to give in to it and leave the pain behind. ”I tried to save him, save her. Take the pain. I don't know.”

”Talia,” Baleweg said gently. ”Talia.” He took her shoulders and very gently moved her into a sitting position.

Shaking. She couldn't stop it. Couldn't control anything. G.o.d, she was so cold.

”Talia.”

She managed to turn her head, to focus on him. Her hands were numb, her lips numb. She nodded.

”You did it. You connected.”

No, she hadn't done it. She hadn't maintained the connection long enough to

ensure that Catriona and the baby had made it. She tried to tell him, but she couldn't manage it. Her teeth were chattering now.

Baleweg's expression changed, smoothed. ”We need to connect again.”

Her body instinctively recoiled. She shook her head, wildly, back and forth.

To willingly go into that nightmare once more... no, no, she couldn't do it again. But she already knew she had to try, to make sure she got Catriona through. She might not be a healer, but if she could just relieve the pain long enough... Panic began to crawl through her, the sense of failure she'd fought for so many years clawing at her again.

Baleweg took her face into his hands and gently forced her to look at him.

”You must do this if we're to save them. The pain Catriona is in is too intense for me to sort it all through. You can't connect with her. It must be someone

else. This time I want you to open up to your own heart, search there, then reach out.”Talia couldn't seem to stop shaking. ”I-I don't... un... understand. She... n n- n-needs m-me-” Her teeth were rattling they chattered so hard.”If you connect with Catriona again... you might not make it. The toll on you is just as immense and yet made more so by the stress of the mental connection. We need the time more than she needs you to take on her pain.

You've given her a great deal, and perhaps it's been enough. But if you try and lose, then we will never find them.””Don't care,” she managed. ”I must-””She needs more than this to survive.” He gently stroked her cheeks. ”Love, Talia. Reach out for that. It is stronger than pain, stronger even than death.

You have that connection within you, but you must be willing to surrender to it, and then risk giving it away.”

Talia didn't understand. She cared for Catriona and Archer, and the baby. She already knew that. What did he mean, surrender her heart? She was willing to give her life. Wasn't that a greater risk?

”Talia.””Y-yes. I don't-” She shook her head, frustrated by her inability to speak coherently. She tried hard to find some center of calm, even a tiny piece, that would let her gain some control back. But she was exhausted.

He wrapped his hand around hers. ”You must believe. This time the journey is

into your own heart. What you find there will allow you to reach out and connect. Trust yourself.” He stood behind her as she worked at breathing in and out normally. As her heart gradually slowed, the trembling and shaking finally stopped. Her fingers hurt and her legs were still numb, but her teeth stopped chattering. Her entire torso felt as if it had been run over by a truck. ”Okay,” she said as calmly as she could. ”I'm ready.”

Once again she focused on the pond, on the water. Always she had been afraid of the fear and pain she felt when she connected with a dying animal. Her experience just now had only confirmed what she'd always known. To put herself through that even once more would almost certainly destroy her. Baleweg was right; she had to s.h.i.+ft her focus if she was going to finish helping them.

What she hadn't counted on was how much more terrifying it was to reach out and connect with someone's heart. Because in order to connect with it, she had to be willing to put her own heart on the line.

Trust your heart.

She understood now what Baleweg had been telling her, just as she realized that this was the greater risk. There was no physical pain strong enough to equal the devastation of reaching out for a heart with one's own, only to encounter nothingness. Death would be kinder.

Calm, peaceful. Smooth surfaces, deep, tranquil depths.

She stared at the water and imagined herself skimming smoothly over the smooth, gla.s.sy surface. But something was pulling at her, sucking her down. No! Not this again. No. But there was no pain in this cold embrace. It was worse. Isolation. Such complete isolation. No feelings. Nothing. Shut off.

Nothing gets in. She slid deeper down, and deeper still. Protection. Safe. Her heart began to pound. Deeper, past the protection. No safety here. She began to shake. Dark, so dark, almost black. Untouched. Unexplored depths. Her teeth chattered. So cold, so lost, so alone. She couldn't go further, it would suck her in and she'd never find her way back. The pressure grew, in her chest, constricting her, making it hard to breathe. Deeper, must go deeper. No safety. Risk. Keep going. But the pressure only grew worse. Tears leaked from her eyes and her chest burned. G.o.d, it burned so badly. She wanted to gasp for air, rush to the surface, away from that black nothingness.

Nothingness.

And then she felt the fear. She began to pull back, away from the bottomless darkness, back to the safety of isolation. No. Fight it! Trust. Trust her heart.She plunged further, certain she was going to be crushed by the pressure. So alone. So dark.

The pressure increased until she screamed with the agony of it. She pushed, crying freely now. Want. She wanted so badly. Like she'd never wanted before. Terror. She'd never been so terrified. Trusting that want, fighting for that want. She'd gone so far now that she had no hope of a safe return. If she wanted, she couldn't be safe. Her heart pounded. Heart. Her heart.

It wasn't about just wanting. It was about giving. That was the risk.

And then she knew what she must do if she wanted to connect with Devin.

She had to give her heart away.