Part 18 (1/2)

_Chap. ix._: WHEREFORE CLERGYMEN SHOULD NEVER EAT HARES THAT HAVE BEEN TAKEN IN A SNARE

Now hath the gentle reader heard in what danger of life I put myself.

But as concerns the danger of my soul 'tis to be understood that as a musqueteer I became a right desperate fellow, that cared naught for G.o.d and his word. No wickedness was for me too great: and all the goodnesses and loving kindnesses that I had ever received from G.o.d quite forgotten: and so I cared neither for this world nor the next but lived like a beast. None would have believed that I had been brought up with a pious hermit: seldom I went to church and never to confess: and because I cared so little for my own soul's health, therefore I troubled my fellow men yet more. Where I could cheat a man I failed not to do it, yea I prided myself upon it, so that none came off scot-free from his dealings with me. From this I often got me a whipping, and still more often the torture-horse; yea, I was often threatened with the strappado and the gibbet: but naught availed: I went on in my G.o.dless career till it seemed I would play the desperado and run post-haste to h.e.l.l. And though I did no deed evil enough to forfeit my life, yet was I so reckless that, save for sorcerers and sodomites, no worse man could be found.

Of this our regiment's chaplain was ware, and being a right zealous saver of souls, at Eastertide he sent for me to know why I had not been at Confession and Holy Communion. But I treated his many faithful warnings as I had done those of the good pastor at Lippstadt, so that the good man could make naught of me. So when it seemed as if Christ and His Baptism were lost in me, at the end says he, ”O miserable man: I had believed that thou didst err through ignorance: now know I that thou goest on in thy sins from pure wickedness and of malice aforethought. Who, thinkest thou, can feel compa.s.sion for thy poor soul and its d.a.m.nation? For my part, I protest before G.o.d and the world that I am free of guilt as to that d.a.m.nation; for I have done, and would have gone on to do without wearying, all that was necessary to further thy salvation. But henceforward 'twill not be my duty to do more than to provide that thy body, when thy poor soul shall leave it in such a desperate state, shall be conveyed to no dedicated place there to be buried with other departed pious Christians, but to the carrion-pit with the carcases of dead beasts, or to that place where are bestowed other G.o.d-forgotten and desperate men.” Yet this severe threatening bore as little fruit as the earlier warnings, and that for this reason only, that I was shamed to confess. O fool that I was! For often I would tell of my knaves' tricks in great company and would lie to make them seem the greater; yet now, when I should be converted and confess my sins to a single man, and him standing in G.o.d's place, to receive absolution, then was I as a stock or a stone. I say the truth: I was stockish; and stockish I remained: for I answered, ”I do serve the Emperor as a soldier: and if I die as a soldier, 'twill be no wonder if I, like other soldiers (which cannot always be buried in holy ground, but must be content to lie anywhere on the field in ditches or in the maw of wolf and raven), must make s.h.i.+ft outside the churchyard.”

And so I left the priest, which for his holy zeal for souls had no more return from me than that once I refused him a hare, which he urgently begged from me, on the pretence that since it had hanged itself in a noose and so taken its own life, therefore as a self-murderer it might not be buried in a holy place.

_Chap. x._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS ALL UNEXPECTEDLY QUIT OF HIS MUSQUET

So were things no better with me, but the longer the worse. Once did the colonel say to me he would discharge me for a rogue, since I would do no good. But because I knew he meant it not, I said 'twas easy enough, if only he would dismiss the hangman too, to bear me company.

So he let it pa.s.s, for well could he conceive that I should hold it for no punishment but for a favour if he would let me go: and against my will I must remain a musqueteer and starve till the summer. But the nearer Count von Gotz came with his army, the nearer came also my deliverance: for when that general had his headquarters at Bruchsal, my friend Herzbruder, that I had so faithfully helped with my money in the camp before Magdeburg, was sent by the staff on certain business to our fortress, where all shewed him great honour. I was even then sentry before the colonel's quarters, and though he wore a coat of black velvet, yet I knew him at first sight, yet had not the heart to speak to him at once, as fearing lest, after the way of the world, he should be ashamed of me or would not know me, for by his clothes he was now of high rank and I but a lousy musqueteer. But so soon as I was relieved I asked of his servants his name and rank, to be a.s.sured that I did not address another in his place, and yet I had not the courage to speak to him, but wrote this billet to him and caused it to be handed to him in the morning by his chamberlain.

”Monsieur, etc.,--If it should please my wors.h.i.+pful master by his high influence to deliver one whom he once by his bravery saved from bonds and fetters on the field of Wittstock, from the most miserable condition in the world, into which he hath been tossed like a ball by unkind fortune, 'twould cost him little pains and he would for ever oblige one, in any case his faithful servant but now the most wretched and deserted of men.--S. SIMPLICISSIMUS.”

No sooner had he read this than he had me to him and ”Fellow countryman,” says he, ”where is the man that gave thee this?” ”Sir,” I answered, ”he is a captive in this fortress.” ”Well,” says he, ”now go to him and say I would deliver him an he had the halter round his neck.” ”Sir,” said I, ”'twill not need so much trouble, for I am poor Simplicissimus himself, come not only to give thanks for his rescue at Wittstock, but also to beg to be freed from the musquet which I have been forced against my will to carry.” But he suffered me not to make an end, but by embracing me shewed me how ready he was to help me: in a word, he did all that one faithful friend can do for another; and before he asked me how I came into the fortress and to such a service, he sent his servant to the Jew to buy me a horse and clothing. And meanwhile I told him how it had fared with me since his father had died before Magdeburg, and when he heard I was the Huntsman of Soest (whose many famous exploits he had heard of) he lamented that he had not known such before, for so could he well have helped me to a company. So when the Jew came with a whole burden of soldiers' clothes, he chose out the best for me, bade me clothe myself, and so took me with him to the colonel. And to him, ”Sir,” says he, ”I have in your garrison found this good fellow here present, to whom I am so much bounden that I cannot leave him in this low estate even if his good qualities deserved no better: and therefore I beg the colonel to do me this favour, and either to give him a better place or to allow me to take him with me and to further his promotion in the army, for which perhaps the colonel has no great opportunity here.” At that the colonel crossed himself for sheer wonder to hear any man praise me; and says he, ”Your honour will forgive me if I say it is his part to try whether I am willing to serve him so far as his deserts do require: and so far as that goes, let him demand aught else that lies in my power and he shall understand my willingness by my actions. But as to this fellow, he is, according to his own showing, no soldier of mine, but belongs to a regiment of dragoons, and is besides so pestilent a companion that since he hath been here he hath given more work to my provost than a whole company, so that I must needs believe no water will ever drown him.” So he ended with a laugh and wished me luck.

But for Herzbruder this was not enough but he further begged the colonel not to refuse to invite me to his table, which favour he also obtained: and this he did to the end that he might tell the colonel in my presence what he only knew of me by hearsay in Westphalia from the Count von der Wahl and the commandant of Soest, all which actions he so praised that all must hold me for a good soldier. And I too carried myself so modestly that the colonel and his people that had known me before could but believe that with my new clothes I had become a new man. Moreover, when the colonel would know how I had gotten the name of doctor, I told them the whole story of my journey from Paris to Philippsburg and how many peasants I had cheated to fill my belly: at which they laughed heartily. And in the end I confessed openly it had been my intention so to vex and weary him, the colonel, with all manner of tricks, that he must at last turn me out of the garrison, if he would live at peace from all the complaints that I caused him.

Thereupon he told of many rogueries I had committed while in the garrison, for example, how I had boiled up beans, poured grease over them, and sold the whole for pure grease; also sand for salt, filling the sacks with sand below and salt above; and again, how I had made a fool of one here and another there, and had made a jest of every man, so that during the whole meal they spoke only of me. Yet had I not had such a friend at court these same acts would have been held deserving of severe punishment. And so I drew my conclusion how 'twould go at court if a rogue should gain a prince's favour.

Our meal ended, we found the Jew had no horse which would serve Herzbruder for me: but as he stood in such esteem that the colonel could hardly afford to lose his good word, therefore he presented us with one from his own stable, saddle and bridle and all, on which my lord Simplicissimus was set and with his friend Herzbruder rode joyfully forth from the fortress. And some of my comrades did cry, ”Good luck, brother, good luck,” but others from envy, ”The longer the halter the greater the luck.”

_Chap. xi._: DISCOURSES OF THE ORDER OF THE MARAUDER BROTHERS

Now on the way Herzbruder agreed with me that I should give myself out for his cousin that I might receive greater respect: and he for his part would get me a horse and a servant and send me to the regiment of Neuneck, wherein I could serve as a volunteer till an officer's place should fall vacant in the army, to which he could help me. And so in a wink I became a fellow that looked like a good soldier: but in that summer I did no great deeds, save that I helped to steal a few cattle here and there in the Black Forest and made myself well acquainted with the Breisgau and Alsace. For the rest, I had scant luck, for when my servant and his horse had been captured by the Weimar troops at Kenzingen I must needs work the other harder, and in the end so ride him to death that I was fain to join the order of the ”Merode-bruder.”

My friend Herzbruder indeed would willingly have equipped me again: but seeing that I had so soon got rid of the first two horses, he held back, and thought to let me kick my heels till I had learned more foresight: nor did I desire it, for I found in my new companions so pleasant a society that till winter quarters should come I wished for no better employ.

Now must I tell you somewhat of these Merode brothers, for without doubt there be some, and specially those that be ignorant of war, that know not who these people be. And so have I never found any writer that hath included in his work an account of their manners, customs, rights, and privileges: besides which 'tis well worth while that not only the generals of these days but also the peasants should know what this brotherhood is. And first as concerns their name, I do hope 'twill be no disgrace to that honourable cavalier in whose service they got that name, or I could not so openly tack it on to any man. For I once saw a kind of shoe that had in place of eyelet-holes twisted cords, that a man might more easily stamp through the mud: and these were called Mansfeld's shoes because his troops first devised them. Yet should any call Count Mansfeld himself ”Cobbler” on that account, I would count him for a fool. And so must you understand this name, that will last as long as Germans do make war: and this was the beginning of it: when this gentleman (Merode) first brought a newly raised regiment to the army his recruits proved as weak and crazy in body as the Bretons,[29]

so that they could not endure the marching and other fatigues to which a soldier must submit in the field, for which reason their brigade soon became so weak that it could hardly protect the colours, and wherever you found one or more sick and lame in the market-place or in houses, and behind fences and hedges, and asked, ”Of what regiment?” the answer was wellnigh always ”Of Merode.”

Hence it arose that at length all that, whether sick or sound, wounded or not, were found straggling off the line of march or else did not have their quarters in the field with their own regiment, were called ”Merode-brothers,” just as before they were known as ”swine-catchers”

and ”bee-taylors”: for they be like to the drones in the beehives which when they have lost their sting can work no more nor make honey, but only eat. If a trooper lose his horse or a musqueteer his health, or his wife and child fall ill and must stay behind, at once you have a pair and a half of Merode-brothers, a crew that can be compared with none but gipsies, for not only do they straggle round the army in front, in the flanks, in the middle, as it pleases them, but also they be like the gipsies in manners and customs. For you can see them huddled together (like partridges in winter) behind the hedges in the shade or, if the season require it, in the sun, or else lying round a fire smoking tobacco and idling, while the good soldier meanwhile must endure with the colours heat, thirst, hunger, and all manner of misery.

Here again goes a pack of them pilfering alongside the line of march, while many a poor soldier is ready to sink under the weight of his arms. They plunder all they can find before, behind, and beside the army: and what they cannot consume that they spoil, so that the regiments, when they come to their quarters or into camp, do often find not even a good draught of water; and when they are strictly forced to stay with the baggage-train, you will often find this greater in number than the army itself. And though they do march together and lodge together, fight and make common cause, yet have they no captain to order them, no Feldwebel nor sergeant to dust their jackets, no corporal to rouse them up, no drummer to summon them to picket or bivouac duty, and, in a word, no one to bring them into the line of battle like an adjutant nor to a.s.sign them their lodgings like a quartermaster, but they live like n.o.blemen. Howbeit whenever a commissariat-officer comes, they are the first to claim their share, undeserved though it be. Yet are the Provost-marshal and his fellows their greatest plague, being such as at times, when they play their tricks too scurvily, do set iron bracelets on their hands and feet, or even adorn them with a hempen collar and hang them up by their precious necks. They keep no watch, they dig no trenches, they serve on no forlorn hope, and they will never fight in line of battle, yet they be well nourished and fed. But what damage the general, the peasant, and the whole army, in which many such companions are to be found, do suffer, is not to be described. The basest of horse-boys, that doth naught but forage, is worth to the general more than one thousand such, that do make a trade of such foraging and lie at ease without excuse upon their bear-skins,[30] till they be taken off by the adversary or be rapped over the fingers when they do meddle with the peasants. So is the army weakened and the enemy strengthened: and even if a scurvy rogue of this kind (I mean not the poor sick man, but the riders without horses that for sheer neglect do let their horses perish, and betake themselves to the brotherhood to save their skins) do so pa.s.s the summer, yet all the use one can have of him is to equip him again for the winter at great cost that he may have somewhat to lose in the next campaign. 'Twere well to couple such together like greyhounds and teach them to make war in garrison towns, or even make them toil in chains in the galleys, if they will not serve on foot in the field till they can get a horse again. I say naught here of the many villages that, by chance or by malice, have been burned down by them; how many of their own comrades they entice away, plunder, rob, and even murder, nor how many a spy can be concealed among them if he know but enough to give the name of a regiment and a company in the army. To this honourable brotherhood I now must belong, and so remained till the day before the Battle of Wittenweier, at which time our headquarters were at Schuttern: for going then with my comrades into the county of Geroldseck to steal cows and oxen I was taken prisoner by the troops of Weimar, that knew far better how to treat us, for they made us take musquets and distributed us in different regiments: and so I came into Hattstein's regiment.