Part 17 (1/2)

Now as Monsieur Canard had more game to throw away than many have to eat, which yet have their own preserves, and thus more meat was sent to him by way of present than he and all his people could eat, so had he also daily many parasites, so that it seemed as if he kept open house.

And once on a time there visited him the king's Master of the Ceremonies and other high personages, for whom he prepared a princely collation, as knowing well whom he needed to keep as his friends, namely, those that were ever about the king or stood well with him: and to shew them his great goodwill and give them every pleasure, he begged that I would, to honour him and to please the high personages present, let them hear a German song sung to the lute. This I did willingly, being in the mood (for commonly musicians be whimsical people), and so busied myself to play my best, and did so please the company that the Master of the Ceremonies said 'twas great pity I could not speak French: for so could he commend me greatly to the king and queen. But my master, that feared lest I might be taken from his service, answered him, I was of n.o.ble birth and thought not to sojourn long in France, and so could hardly be used as a common musician. Thereupon the Master of the Ceremonies said he had never in his life found united in one person such rare beauty, so fine a voice, and such admirable skill upon the lute: and presently, said he, a comedy was to be played before the king at the Louvre: and could he but have my services, he hoped to get great honour thereby. This Monsieur Canard did interpret to me: and I answered, if they would but tell me what person I was to represent and what manner of songs I was to sing, I could learn both tune and words by heart and sing them to my lute, even if they were in the French tongue: for perhaps my understanding might be as good as that of a schoolboy such as they commonly use for such parts, though these must first learn both words and actions by heart.

So when the Master of the Ceremonies saw me so willing, he would have me promise to come to him next day in the Louvre to try if I was fit for the part: and at the time appointed I was there. The tunes of the songs I had to sing I could play at once perfectly upon the lute; for I had the notes before me: and thereafter I received the French words, to learn them by heart and likewise to p.r.o.nounce them, all which were interpreted for me in German, that I might use the actions fitted to the songs. All this was easy enough to me, and I was ready before any could have expected it, and that so perfectly (as Monsieur Canard declared) that ninety-nine out of a hundred that heard me sing would have sworn I was a born Frenchman. And when we came together for the first rehearsal, I did behave myself so plaintively with my songs, tunes, and actions that all believed I had often played the part of Orpheus, which I must then represent, and shew myself vexed for the loss of my Eurydice. And in all my life I have never had so pleasant a day as that on which our comedy was played. Monsieur Canard gave me somewhat to make my voice clearer: but when he tried to improve my beauty with oleum talci and to powder my curly hair that shone so black he found he did but spoil all. So now was I crowned with a wreath of laurel and clad in an antique sea-green robe in which all could see my neck, the upper part of my breast, my arms above the elbow and my knees, all bare and naked. About it was wrapped a flesh-coloured cloak of taffety that was more like a flag than a cloak: and in this attire I languished over my Eurydice, called on Venus for help in a pretty song, and at last led off my bride: in all which action I did play my part excellently, and gazed upon my love with sighs and speaking eyes. But when I had lost my Eurydice, then did I put on a dress of black throughout, made like the other, from out of which my white skin shone like snow. In this did I lament my lost wife, and did conjure up the case so piteously that in the midst of my sad tunes and melodies the tears would burst forth and my weeping choked the pa.s.sage of my song: yet did I play my part right well till I came before Pluto and Proserpina in h.e.l.l. To them I represented in a most moving song their own love that they bore to each other, and begged them to judge thereby with what great grief I and my Eurydice must have parted, and prayed with the most piteous actions (and all the time I sang to my lute) they would give her leave to return to me: and when they had said me ”Yes,”

I took my leave with a joyful song to them, and was clever enough so to change my face, my actions, and my voice to a joyful tune that all that saw me were astonished. But when I again lost my Eurydice all unexpectedly I did fancy to myself the greatest danger wherein a man could find himself, and thereupon became so pale as if I would faint away: for inasmuch as I was then alone upon the stage and all spectators looked on me, I played my part the more carefully and got therefrom the praise of having acted the best. Thereafter I set me on a rock and began to deplore the loss of my bride with piteous words and a most mournful melody, and to summon all creatures to weep with me: upon that, all manner of wild beasts and tame, mountains, trees, and the like flocked round me, so that in truth it seemed as if 'twere all so done in unnatural fas.h.i.+on by enchantment. Nor did I make any mistake at all till the end: but then when I had renounced the company of all women, had been murdered by the Bacchantes and cast into the water (which had been so prepared that one could see only my head, for the rest of my body was beneath the stage in perfect safety), where the dragon was to devour me, and the fellow that was inside the dragon to work it could not see my head and so did let the dragon's head wag about close to mine, this seemed to me so laughable that I could not choose but make a wry face, which the ladies that looked hard upon me failed not to perceive.

From this comedy I earned, besides the high praise that all gave me, not only an excellent reward, but I got me yet another nickname, for thenceforth the French would call me naught but ”Beau Alman.” And as 'twas then carnival-time, many such plays and ballets were represented, in all which I was employed: but at last I found I was envied by others because I mightily attracted the spectators, and in especial the women, to turn their eyes on me: so I made an end of it, and that particularly because I received much offence on one occasion, when, as I fought with Achelous for Dejanira, as Hercules, and almost naked, I was so grossly treated as is not usual in a stage-play.

By this means I became known to many high personages, and it seemed as if fortune would again s.h.i.+ne upon me: for 'twas even offered me to enter the king's service, of which many a great Jack hath not the chance: yet I refused: but much time I spent with ladies of quality that would have me sing and play to them, for both my person and my playing pleased them. Nor will I deny that I gave myself up to the temptations of the Frenchwomen, that entertained me secretly and rewarded me with many gifts for my services, till in the end I was wearied of so vile and shameful a trade, and determined so to play the fool no longer.

NOTE.--The fourth and fifth chapters of the original edition are devoted to a prolix and tedious account of an adventure--if adventure it may be called--of the kind hinted at in the last sentence of the third chapter. It is absolutely without connection with Simplicissimus's career as an actor in the war; has no interest as a picture of manners; and finally, can be read much better in Bandello, from whose much livelier story (vol. iv., novel 25, of the complete editions) it is copied. It is therefore omitted here.

_Chap. iv._; HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS DEPARTED SECRETLY AND HOW HE BELIEVED HE HAD THE NEAPOLITAN DISEASE

By this my occupation I gathered together so many gratifications both in money and in things of worth that I was troubled for their safety, and I wondered no longer that women do betake themselves to the stews and do make a trade of this same beastly and lewd pursuit; since it is so profitable. But now I did begin to take this matter to heart, not indeed for any fear of G.o.d or p.r.i.c.k of conscience, but because I dreaded that I might be caught in some such trick and paid according to my deserts. So now I planned to come back to Germany, and that the more so because the commandant at Lippstadt had written to me he had caught certain merchants of Cologne, whom he would not let go out of his hands till my goods were first delivered to him: item, that he still kept for me the ensigncy he had promised, and would expect me to take it up before the spring: for if I came not then he must bestow it upon another. And with his letter my wife sent me one also full of all loving a.s.surances of her hope to have me back. (Had she but known how I had lived she had surely sent me a greeting of another sort.)

Now could I well conceive 'twould be hard to have my conge from Monsieur Canard, and so did I determine to depart secretly so soon as I could find opportunity: which (to my great misfortune) I found. For as I met on a time certain officers of the Duke of Weimar's army, I gave them to understand I was an ensign of the regiment of colonel S(aint) A(ndre) and had been a long time in Paris on mine own affairs, yet now was resolved to return to my regiment, and so begged they would take me as their travelling-companion on their journey back. So they told me the day of their departure and were right willing to take me with them: thereupon I bought me a nag and made my provision for the journey as secretly as I could, got together my money (which was in all some 500 doubloons, all which I had earned from those shameless women), and without asking leave of Monsieur Canard went off with them; yet did I write to him, and did date the letter from Maestricht; so as he might think I was gone to Cologne: in this I took leave of him, with the excuse that I could stay no longer when my business at home required my presence.

But two nights out from Paris 'twas with me as with one that hath the erysipelas, and my head did so ache that next morning I could not rise: and that in a poor village where I could have no doctor and, what was worse, none to wait upon me: for the officers rode on their way next morning and left me there, sick to death, as one that concerned them not: yet did they commend me and my horse to the host at their departure and left a message for the mayor of the place that he should have respect to me as an officer that served the king. So there I lay for a couple of days and knew naught of myself, but babbled like a fool. Then they fetched the priest to me: but he could get nothing reasonable from me: and since he saw he could not heal my soul he thought on means to help my body as far as might be, to which end he had me bled and a sudorific given me, and had me put into a warm bed to sweat. This served me so well that the same night I did know where I was and whence I had come and that I was sick. Next morning came the said priest to me again and found me desperate: for not only had my money all been stolen, but I did believe I had (saving your presence) the French disease: for I had deserved this more than my pistoles, and I was spotted over my whole body like a leopard: nor could I either walk or stand, or sit or lie: and now was my patience at an end: for though I could not well believe 'twas G.o.d had given me the gold I had lost, yet was I now so reckless that I saw 'twas the devil had stolen it from me! Yea, and I behaved as if I were quite desperate, so that the good priest had much ado to comfort me, seeing that the shoe pinched me in two places.

”My friend,” says he, ”behave yourself like a reasonable man, even if ye cannot embrace your cross like a good Christian. What do ye? Will ye with your money also lose your life and, what is more, your hopes of eternal salvation?” So I answered I cared not for the money; if I could but be rid of this accursed sickness or were at least in a place where I could be cured. ”Ye must have patience,” answered the priest, ”as must the poor children of whom there lie in this place over fifty sick of this disease.” So when I heard that children also were sick of it, I was straightway cheered, for I could not well suppose that such would catch that filthy disease: so I reached for my valise to see what might still be there: but save my linen there was naught there but a casket with a lady's portrait, set round with rubies, that one at Paris had presented to me. The portrait I took out and gave the rest to the priest with the request he would turn it into money in the next town, so that I might have somewhat to live upon. Of which the end was that I got scarce the third part of its worth, and since that lasted not long my nag must go too: all which barely kept me till the pock-holes began to dry and I to get better.

_Chap. v._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS PONDERED ON HIS PAST LIFE, AND HOW WITH THE WATER UP TO HIS MOUTH HE LEARNED TO SWIM

Wherewithal a man sinneth, therewith is he wont to be punished. This smallpox did so handle me that thenceforward I needed not to fear the women. I got such holes in my face that I looked like a barn-floor whereon they have threshed peas: yea, I became so foul of aspect that my fine curls in which so many women had been tangled were shamed of me and left their home: in place of which I got others that were so like a hog's bristles that I must needs wear a wig, and even as outwardly no beauty remained to me, so also my sweet voice departed--for I had had my throat full of sores. Mine eyes, that heretofore none ever found to lack the fire of love enough to kindle any heart, were now as red and watery as those of any old wife of eighty years that hath the spleen.

And above all I was in a foreign land, knew neither dog nor man that would treat me fairly, was ignorant of their language, and had no money left.

So now I first began to reflect, and to lament the n.o.ble opportunities which had aforetime been granted to me for the furthering of my fortunes, which yet I had so wantonly let go by. I looked back and marked how my extraordinary luck in war and my treasure-trove had been naught but a cause and preparation for my ill fortune, which had never been able to cast me so far down had it not by a false countenance first raised me so high. Yea, I found that the good things that had happened to me, and which I had accounted truly good, had been truly bad, and had brought me to the depth of misery. Now was there no longer a hermit to deal so faithfully with me, no Colonel Ramsay to rescue me in my need, no priest to give me good advice; and, in a word, no one man that would do me a good turn: but when my money was gone I was told to be off and find a place elsewhere, and might, like the prodigal son, be glad to herd with the swine. So now first I bethought me of that priest's good advice, that counselled I should employ my youth and my wealth for study: but 'twas too late to shut the stable-door now that the horse was stolen. O swift and miserable change! Four weeks ago I was a fellow to move princes to wonder, to charm women, and that made the people believe me a masterpiece of nature, yea an angel, but now so wretched that the very dogs did bark at me. I bethought me a thousand times what I must do: for the host turned me from the door so soon as I could pay no more. Gladly would I have enlisted, but no recruiting officer would take me as a soldier, for I looked like a scarecrow: work could I not, for I was still too weak, and besides used to no handicraft. Nothing did comfort me more than that 'twas now summer coming, and I could at a pinch lodge behind any hedge, for none would suffer me in any house. I had my fine apparel still, that I had had made for my journey, besides a valise full of costly linen that none would buy from me as fearing I might saddle him also with the disease.

This I set on my shoulder, my sword in my hand and the road under my feet, which led me to a little town that even possessed an apothecary's shop. Into this I went, and bade him make me an ointment to do away the pock-marks on my face, and because I had no money I gave him a fine soft s.h.i.+rt; for he was not so nice as the other fools that would take no clothes of me. For, I thought, if thou art but rid of these vile spots, 'twill soon better thy case for thee.

Yea, and I took the more heart because the apothecary a.s.sured me that in a week one would see little except the deep scars that the sores had eaten in my face. 'Twas market-day there, and there too was a tooth-drawer that earned much money, in return for which he was always ready with his ribald jests for the crowd. ”O fool,” says I to myself, ”why dost thou not also set up such a trade? Beest thou so long with Monsieur Canard, and hast not learned enough to deceive a simple peasant and get thy victuals? Then must thou be a poor creature indeed.”

_Chap. vi._: HOW HE BECAME A VAGABOND QUACK AND A CHEAT

Now at that time was I as hungry as a hunter: for my belly was not to be appeased; and yet I had naught in my poke save a single golden ring with a diamond that was worth some twenty crowns. This I sold for twelve: and because I could plainly see these would last but for a time if I could earn nothing besides, I determined to turn doctor. So I bought me the materials for an electuary and made it up: likewise out of herbs, roots, b.u.t.ter, and aromatic oils a green salve for all wounds, wherewith one might have cured a galled horse: also out of calamine, gravel, crab's-eyes, emery, and pumice-stone a powder to make the teeth white: furthermore a blue tincture out of lye, copper, sal ammoniac and camphor, to cure scurvy, toothache, and eye-ache. Likewise I got me a number of little boxes of tin and wood to put my wares in; and to make a reputable show I had me a bill composed and printed in French, on which could be read for what purpose each of these remedies was fitted. And in three days I was ended with my task, and had scarce spent three crowns on my drugs and gallipots when I left the town. So I packed all up and determined to walk from one village to another as far as Alsace and to dispose of my wares on the way, and thereafter, if opportunity offered, to get to the Rhine at Stra.s.sburg to betake myself with the traders to Cologne, and from there to make my way to my wife.

Which design was good, but the plan failed altogether.

Now the first time I took my stand before a church with my wares and offered them my gain was small indeed, for I was far too shamefaced, and neither would my talk nor my bragging patter run well: and from that I saw at once I must go another way to work if I would gain money.