Part 10 (2/2)

And whoso doth but set a foot here, with intent to play, hath already broken the tenth commandment, which saith, 'Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's goods.'” And says he, ”An thou play and win, specially by deceit and false dice, then thou transgressest the seventh and eighth commandments. Yea, it may well happen that thou committest murder on him from whom thou hast won his money, as, for example, if his loss is so great that by reason of it he come into poverty and into utter need and recklessness, or else fall into other foul vices: nor will this plea help thee, that thou sayest, 'I did risk mine own and won honestly.' Thou rogue, thou camest to the gaming-place with this intent, to grow rich through another's loss. And if thou lose, thou art not excused with the punishment of losing thine own, but, like the rich man in the parable, thou must answer it sorely to G.o.d that thou so uselessly hast squandered that which He lent thee for the support of thee and thine. Whosoever goeth to the gaming-place to play, the same committeth himself to the danger of losing therein, not only his money, but his body and his life also; yea, what is most terrible of all, there can he lose his own soul. I tell thee this as news, my friend Simplicissimus (because thou sayest gaming is unknown to thee), that thou mayest be on thy guard against it all thy life long.” So I answered him: ”Dear sir,” said I, ”if gaming be so terrible and dangerous a thing, wherefore do our superiors allow it?” My governor answered: ”I will not say 'twas because our officers themselves take part therein, but for this reason, that the soldiers will not--yea, cannot--do without it; for whosoever hath once given himself over to gaming, or whomsoever the habit or, rather, the devil of play hath seized upon, the same is by little and little (whether he win or lose) so set upon it that he can easier do without his natural sleep than that: as we see that some will rattle the dice the whole night through and will neglect the best of food and drink if they can but play--yea, even if they must go home s.h.i.+rtless. Yet this gaming hath already been forbidden at divers times on pain of loss of life and limb, and at the command of headquarters hath been punished with an iron hand, through the means of provost-marshals, hangmen, and their satellites--openly and violently. Yet 'twas all in vain; for the gamesters betook themselves to secret corners and behind hedges, won each other's money, quarrelled, and brake each others' necks thereupon: so that to prevent such murders and homicides, and specially because many would game away their arms and horse, yea, even their poor rations of food, therefore now 'tis not only publicly allowed, but this particular place is appointed therefore, that the mainguard may be at hand to prevent any harm that might happen: yet they cannot always hinder that one or the other fall not dead on the spot. And inasmuch as this gaming is the tormenting devil's own device, and bringeth him no small gain, therefore hath he ordained especial gaming-devils, that prowl around in the world and have naught else to do but to tempt men to play. To these divers wanton companions bind themselves by certain pacts and agreements, that the devil may suffer them to win: yet can a man among ten thousand gamesters scarce find a rich one: nay, on the contrary part, they are poor and needy because their winnings are lightly esteemed, and therefore either gambled away again or wasted in vile pleasures. Hence is derived that true yet sad saying, 'The devil never leaveth the gamester, yet leaveth him ever poor,' for he taketh from them goods, courage, and honour, and then quitteth them no more (except G.o.d's infinite mercy save them) till he have made an end of their souls. Yea, and should there be a gamester of so merry a heart by nature and so sprightly that by no ill-luck or loss he can be brought to despair, to recklessness, and all the accursed sins that spring therefrom, then doth the sly and cunning fiend suffer him to win mightily, that in the end he may, by waste and pride and gluttony and drunkenness and loose life, bring him into his net.” Thereat I crossed myself and blessed myself to think that in a Christian army such things should be allowed which the devil himself invented, and specially because visibly and palpably such damage and harm for this world and the next followed therefrom. Yet my governor said all that he had told me was as yet nought; for he who would undertake to describe all the harm that came from gaming would begin an impossible task. For as men say, so soon as the hazard is thrown 'tis now in the devil's hands, so should I fancy that with every die, as it rolled from the player's hand upon cloak or table, there ran a little devil, to guide it and make it shew as many points as his master's interest demanded. And further, I should reflect that 'twas not for nought that the devil entered into the game so heartily, but doubtless because he contrived to make fine gains out of it himself. ”And with that note thou further,” says he, ”that just as there are wont to stand by the gaming-place certain chafferers and Jews, which buy from the players at cheap rate what they have won, as rings, apparel or jewels, or are ready to change such for money for them to game away, so also there be devils walking to and fro, that they may arouse and foster thoughts that may destroy the souls in the gamesters that have ceased to play, be they winners or losers. For the winners the devil will build terrible castles in the air; but into them that have lost, whose spirit is already quite distraught and therefore the more apt to receive his harmful counsels, he instilleth, doubtless, such thoughts and designs as can but tend to their eternal ruin. Yea, I a.s.sure thee, Simplicissimus, I am of the mind to write a book hereupon so soon as I can come in peace to my own again. And in that I will describe first the loss of precious time, which is squandered to no purpose in gaming, and no less the fearful curses with which men blaspheme G.o.d over their gaming-tables. Then will I likewise recount the taunts with which men provoke one another, and will adduce many fearful examples and stories which have happened in, during, and after play: and there will I not forget the duels and homicides that have happened by reason of gaming. Yea, I will portray in their true colours set before men's eyes the greed, the rage, the envy, the jealousy, the falsehood, the deceit, the covetousness, the thievery, and, in a word all the senseless follies both of dicers and of card-players; that they who read this book but once, may conceive such a horror of gaming as if they had drunk sows' milk (which folk are wont to give to gamesters without their knowledge, to cure their madness). So will I shew to all Christendom that the dear G.o.d is more blasphemed by a single regiment of gamesters than by a whole army with their curses.” And this project I praised, and wished him the opportunity to carry it out.

_Chap. xxi._: IS SOMEWHAT SHORTER AND MORE ENTERTAINING THAN THE LAST

Now my governor grew more and more kindly disposed to me, and I to him, yet kept we our friends.h.i.+p very secret: 'tis true I acted still as a fool, yet I played no bawdy tricks or buffooneries, so that my carriage and conduct were indeed simple enough yet rather witty than witless. My colonel, who had a mighty liking for the chase, took me with him once when he went out to catch partridges with the draw-net, which invention pleased me hugely. But because the dog we had was so hot that he would spring for the birds before we could pull the strings, and so we could catch but little, therefore I counselled the colonel to couple the b.i.t.c.h with a falcon or an osprey (as men do with horses and a.s.ses when they would have mules), that the young puppies might have wings, and so could with them catch the birds in the air. I proposed also, since it went right sleepily with the conquest of Magdeburg, which we then besieged, to make ready a long rope as thick as a wine-cask, and encompa.s.sing the whole town therewith, to harness thereto all the men and all the cattle in the two camps, and so in one day pull the whole city head over heels. Of such foolish quips and fantasies I devised every day an abundance, for 'twas my trade, and none ever found my workshop empty. And for this my master's secretary, which was an evil customer and a hardened rogue, gave me matter enough, whereby I was kept on the road which fools be wont to walk: for whatsoever this mocker told me, that I not only believed myself but told it to others, whenas I conversed with them, and the discourse turned on that subject.

So when I asked him once what our regimental chaplain was, since he was distinguished from other folk by his apparel, ”that,” says he, ”is master _Dicis et non facis_, which is, being interpreted into German, a fellow that gives wives to others and takes none himself. He is the bitter enemy of thieves because they say not what they do, but he doth not what he says: likewise the thieves love him not because they be commonly hanged even then when their acquaintance with him is at its best.” So when I afterwards addressed the good priest by that name, he was laughed at and I was held to be a rogue as well as a fool, and at his request well basted. Further, the secretary persuaded me they had pulled down and set on fire all the houses behind the walls of Prague, that the sparks and ashes might sow all over the world the seeds of evil weeds: so, too, he said that among soldiers no brave heroes and hearty fighters ever went to heaven, but only simple creatures, malingerers, and the like, that were content with their pay: likewise no elegant a la mode cavaliers, and sprightly ladies, but only patient Jobs, henpecked husbands, tedious monks, melancholy parsons, devout women, and all manner of outcasts which in this world are good neither to bake nor to boil, and young children. He told me too a lying story of how hosts were called innkeepers only because in their business they endeavoured to keep in with both G.o.d and the devil. And of war he told me that at times golden bullets were used, and the more precious such were, the more damage they did. ”Yea,” said he, ”and a whole army with artillery, ammunition, and baggage-train can be so led by a golden chain.” Further, he persuaded me that of women more than half wore breeches, though one could not see them, and that many, though they were no enchantresses and no G.o.ddesses as was Diana, yet could conjure bigger horns on to their husbands' heads than ever Actaeon wore. In all which I believed him: so great a fool was I.

On the other hand, my governor, when he was alone with me, entertained me with far different discourse. Moreover, he brought me to know his son, who, as before mentioned, was a muster-clerk in the Saxon army, and was a man of far different quality to my colonel's secretary: for which reason my colonel not only liked him well, but thought to get him from his captain and make him his regimental secretary, on which post his own secretary before mentioned had set his mind also. With this muster-clerk, whose name, like his father's, was Ulrich Herzbruder, I struck up such a friends.h.i.+p that we swore eternal brotherhood, in virtue of which we would never desert each other in weal or woe, in joy or sorrow; and because this was without his father's knowledge, therefore we held more stoutly and stiffly to our vow. By this was it made our chiefest care how I might be honourably freed from my fool's coat, and how we might honestly serve one another; all which however the old Herzbruder, whom I honoured and looked to as my father, approved not, but said in so many words that if I was in haste to change my estate, such change would bring me grievous imprisonment and great danger to life and limb. And because he foretold for himself also and his son a great disgrace close at hand, he deemed, therefore, that he had reason to act more prudently and warily than to interfere in the affairs of a person whose great approaching danger he could foresee: for he was fearful he might be a sharer in my future ill luck if I declared myself, because he had long ago found out my secret and knew me inside and out, yet he never revealed my true condition to the colonel. And soon after I perceived yet better that my colonel's secretary envied my new brother desperately, as thinking he might be raised over his head to the post of regimental secretary; for I saw how at times he fretted, how ill will preyed upon him, and how he was always sighing and in deep thought whenever he looked upon the old or the young Herzbruder. Therefrom I judged he was making of calculations how he might trip and throw him. So I told to my brother, both from my faithful love to him and also as my certain duty, what I suspected, that he might a little be on his guard against this Judas. But he did but take it with a shrug, as being more than enough superior to the secretary both with sword and pen, and besides enjoying the colonel's great favour and grace.

_Chap. xxii._: A RASCALLY TRICK TO STEP INTO ANOTHER MAN'S SHOES

'Tis commonly the custom in war to make provosts of old tried soldiers, and so it came about that we had in our regiment such a one, and to boot such a perfected rogue and villain that it might well be said of him he had seen enough and more than enough. For he was a fully qualified sorcerer, necromancer and wizard, and in his own person not only as wound-proof as steel, but could make others wound-proof also, yea, and conjure whole squadrons of cavalry into the field: his countenance was exactly like what our painters and poets would have Saturn to be, save that he had neither stilts nor scythe. And though the poor soldier prisoners that came into his merciless hands, held themselves the more unlucky because of this his character, and his ever-abiding presence, yet were there folk that gladly consorted with this spoil-sport, specially Oliver, our secretary. And the more his envy of young Herzbruder increased--who was ever of a lively humour--the thicker grew the intimacy between him and the provost: whence I could easily calculate that the conjunction of Saturn and Mercury boded no good to the honest Herzbruder. Just then my colonel's lady was rejoiced at the coming of a young son, and the christening feast spread in wellnigh princely fas.h.i.+on: at which young Herzbruder was brought to wait at table. Which, when he of his courtesy willingly did, he gave the longed-for opportunity to Oliver to bring into the world the piece of roguery of which he had long been in labour. For when all was over my colonel's great silver-gilt cup was missing; and this loss he made the more ado about because 'twas still there after all stranger guests had departed: 'tis true a page said he had last seen it in Oliver's hands, but would not swear it. Upon that the Provost was fetched to give his counsel in the matter, and 'twas said aside to him that if he by his arts could discover the thief, they would so carry the matter that that thief should be known to none save the colonel: for officers of his own regiment had been present whom, even if one of them had forgotten himself in such a matter, he would not willingly bring to shame.

So as we all knew ourselves to be innocent, we came merrily enough into the colonel's great tent, and there the sorcerer took charge of the matter. At that each looked on his neighbour, and desired to know how 'twould end and whence the lost cup would reappear. And no sooner had the rogue mumbled some words than there sprang out of each man's breeches, sleeves, boots and pockets, and all other openings in their clothes, one, two, three, or more young puppies. And these sniffed round and round in the tent, and pretty beasts they were, of all manner of colours, and each with some special ornament, so that 'twas a right merry sight. As to me, my tight Croat breeches were so full of puppies that I must pull them off, and because my s.h.i.+rt had long before rotted away in the forest, there I must stand naked. Last of all one sprang out of young Herzbruder's pocket, the nimblest of all, and had on golden a collar. This one swallowed all the other puppies, though there were so many a-sprawling in the tent that one could not put his foot down by reason of them. And when it had destroyed all, it became smaller and smaller and the golden collar larger, till at last it turned into my colonel's cup.

Thereupon not only the colonel but all that were present must perforce believe that none other but young Herzbruder could have stolen the cup: so said the colonel to him: ”Lookye, unthankful guest, have I deserved this, with my kindnesses to thee, this theft, which I had never believed of thee? For see: I had intended to-morrow to make thee my secretary; but thou hast this very day deserved rather that I should have thee hanged; and that I would forthwith have done had I not had a care of thy honourable and ancient father. Now quick;” said he, ”out of my camp, and so long as thou livest let me not see thee more.”

So poor Ulrich would defend himself: yet would none listen to him, for his offence was plain: and when he departed, good old Herzbruder must needs fall in a swoon; and there must all come to succour him, and the colonel himself to comfort him, which said, ”a pious father was not to answer for this sinful son.” Thus, by the help of the devil did Oliver attain to that whereto he had long hoped to come, but could not in any honourable fas.h.i.+on do so.

_Chap. xxiii._: HOW ULRICH HERZBRUDER SOLD HIMSELF FOR A HUNDRED DUCATS

Now as soon as young Herzbruder's captain heard this story he took from him his office and made a pikeman of him; from which time forward he was so despised that any dog might bark at him, and he himself wished for death; and his father was so vexed at the thing that he fell into a sore sickness and looked to die. And whereas he had himself prophesied that on the twenty-sixth day of July he should run risk of life and limb (which day was now close at hand), therefore he begged of the colonel that his son might come to him once more, that he might talk with him of inheritance and declare his last will. At this meeting I was not shut out, but made the third party in their grief. Then I saw that the son needed no defence as far as his father was concerned, who knew his ways and his good upbringing, and therefore was a.s.sured of his innocence. He, as a wise, understanding, and deep-witted man, judged easily from the circ.u.mstances that Oliver had laid this trap for his son through the provost: but what could he do against a sorcerer, from whom he had worse to expect if he attempted any revenge? Besides, he looked but for death, yet could not die content because he must leave his son in such disgrace: in which plight the son desired not to live, but rather wished he might die before his father. And truly the grief of these two was so piteous to behold that I from my heart must weep.

At last 'twas their common resolve to commit their cause to G.o.d in patience, and the son was to devise ways and means to be quit of his regiment, and seek his fortune elsewhere: but when they examined the matter, they had no money with which he might buy himself out of the service; and while they considered and lamented the miserable state in which their poverty kept them fast, and cut off all hope of improving of their present condition, I then first remembered my ducats that I had sewn up in my a.s.s's ears, and so asked how much money they wanted in their need. So young Herzbruder answered, ”If there came one and brought us a hundred thalers, I could trust to be free from all my troubles.” I answered him, ”Brother, if that will help thee, have a good heart; for I can give thee a hundred ducats.” ”Alas, brother,”

says he, ”what is this thou sayest? Beest thou in truth a fool, or so wanton that thou makest jests upon us in our sore affliction?” ”Nay, nay,” said I, ”I will provide the money.” So I stripped off my coat and took one of the a.s.ses' ears from my arm, and opened it and bade him to count out a hundred ducats and take them: the rest I kept and said, ”Herewith will I lend thy sick father if he need it.”

Thereupon they both fell on my neck and kissed me, and knew not for very joy what they did; then they would give me an acknowledgment and therein a.s.sure me I should be the old Herzbruder's co-heir together with his son, or that, if G.o.d should help them to their own again, they would return me the same with interest and with great thanks: of all which I would have nothing, but only commended myself to their perpetual friends.h.i.+p. After that, young Herzbruder would have sworn to be revenged on Oliver or to die. But his father forbade it, and prophesied that he that should slay Oliver would meet his end at the hands of me, Simplicissimus. ”Yet,” said he, ”I am well a.s.sured that ye two will never slay each other; for neither of you shall perish in fight.” Thereafter he pressed upon us that we should swear on oath to love one another till death and stand by each other in all straits.

But young Herzbruder bought his freedom for thirty-six thalers (for which his captain gave him an honourable discharge), and betook himself with the rest of the money, a good opportunity offering, to Hamburg, and there equipped himself with two horses and enlisted in the Swedish army as a volunteer trooper, commending his father to me in the meanwhile.

_Chap. xxiv._: HOW TWO PROPHECIES WERE FULFILLED AT ONCE

Now none of my colonel's people shewed himself better fitted to wait on old Herzbruder in his sickness than I: and inasmuch as the sick man was also more than content with me, this office was entrusted to me by the colonel's wife, who shewed him much kindness; and by reason of good nursing, and being relieved in respect of his son, he grew better from day to day, so that before July the twenty-sixth he was almost restored to full health. Yet would he stay in bed and give himself out to be sick till the said day, which he plainly dreaded, should be past.

Meanwhile all manner of officers from both armies came to visit him, to know their future fortune, bad or good; for because he was a good calculator and caster of horoscopes, and besides that an excellent physiognomist and palmist, his prophecies seldom failed: yea, he named the very day on which the Battle of Wittstock afterwards befel, since many came to him to whom he foretold a violent death on that day.

My colonel's wife he a.s.sured she would end her lying-in in the camp, for before her six weeks were ended Magdeburg would not be surrendered; and to the traitorous Oliver, who was ever troublesome with his visits, he foretold that he must die a violent death, and that I should avenge that death, happen it when it would, and slay his murderer: for which cause Oliver thereafter held me in high esteem. But to me myself he described the whole course of my life to come as particularly as if it were already ended and he had been by my side throughout; which at the time I esteemed but lightly, yet afterwards remembered many things which he had beforetime told me of, when they had already happened or had turned out true: but most of all did he warn me to beware of water, for he feared I might find my destruction therein.

When now the twenty-sixth of July came, he charged me, and also the orderly whom the colonel at his desire had appointed him for that day, most straitly, we should suffer no one to enter the tent: there he lay and prayed without ceasing: but as 'twas near to afternoon there came a lieutenant riding from the cavalry quarters and asking for the colonel's master of the horse. So he was directed to us and forthwith by us denied entrance: yet would he not be denied, but begged the orderly (with promises intermixed) to admit him to see the master of the horse, as one with whom he must that very evening talk. When that availed not, he began to curse, to talk of blood and thunder, and to say he had many times ridden over to see the old man and had never found him: now that he had found him at home, should he not have the honour of speaking a single word with him? So he dismounted, and nothing could prevent him from unfastening the tent himself; and as he did that I bit his hand, and got for my pains a hearty buffet. So as soon as he saw mine old friend, ”I ask his honour's pardon,” says he, ”for the freedom I have taken, to speak a word with him.” ”Tis well,”