Chapter 14 (2/2)

I was only testing him but he got nervous. “What do you know, ge, and how do you know?”

My heart lost its temperature when I saw his expression. It was real.

“What is done by night appears by day.”

“This isn’t a joke, ge. I won’t ask how you found out. You just need to pretend you never knew, and pretend you don’t know me.” His expression changed, his eyes changed, becoming as sharp as a knife. “I needa go.”

Before he could get up…

Slap!

I smacked him across the face and blood seeped out from the corner of his lips right away.

“You b.a.s.t.a.r.d. Who are you selling your life for? Is it murder or arson or drugs or bank robbery? You just got out. If you get caught again, you’ll get the death sentence. Don’t you understand? Who’s going to save you then? Huh?”

I grabbed his jaw roughly. I just wanted to strangle him.

He stared at me dumbly. I must have always been too gentle with him.

“Even if you owe someone a favour, you can repay them with money or your life, but you can’t repay them with someone else’s money or someone else’s life. That’s a crime. Do you understand?” I thought he just needed some education. “Shen Bin, if you still see me as your ge, swear that you won’t go.”

He didn’t say anything and just closed his eyes.

Perhaps it was just as Lin Dongfu had said. None of us really saw through him. Even I had no idea what he was thinking.

Was this the real him whom I knew?

Was he really going to commit murder and arson and–

He opened his eyes. “No one can save you in this society. Only you can save yourself.”

He was so calm it scared me. It was then that I remembered, this was a person who had beaten another person to death.

“Yannoe, Qian Jiying, you people who go to senior high and university talk about dying when you get hit a few times, or you can’t find a job, or you get called a few names. You think I’d ask you for help?” I watched as he stood up and began stripping. He did it quickly and roughly, and the wounds began bleeding again. He pointed at the scar on his back the size of a bowl. “Ding Hongmei’s man did this with an iron when I was thirteen. Believe me, the sizzling sound and smell of burning human flesh is not somethin’ you can ever forget. Ding Hongmei got tied to the bedpost by him and he pierced her all over with rusted metal rings from the curtains. I’d come back from school and he’d f.u.c.k me. I wasn’t even 160 cm tall. I wasn’t his match. He f.u.c.ked me right in front of Ding Hongmei.”

“Tell me, who was there to save me?”

“He brought home the bread. We were living in his house, eating his food. My mom was his wh.o.r.e and I was the buy-one-get-one-free.”

“He whipped me with coat hangers. Stuck whatever he could find into me. No one ever bothered to ask when I went to school with a limp. Even my own grandpa and grandma treated me like a dirty piece of s.h.i.+t. Who was there for me to depend on?”

“I was only in eighth grade. Ding Hongmei was more pathetic than me, so I had to take her place ‘cause if she died from his f.u.c.king then it’d be game over for me.”

“If that son of a b.i.t.c.h hadn’t been drunk that night and I hadn’t stabbed his f.u.c.king c.o.c.k with his taser, I’d be long dead.”

“Ding Hongmei insisted that I didn’t testify. I was young. I still had to go to university.Hahahaha… Yannoe, that son of a b.i.t.c.h only got five years. Ding Hongmei got a f.u.c.king hole in her womb…”

“I was only eighteen, nineteen when he came out. We still had to live in his house. I was so scared, so scared I couldn’t live at home. Who was there to save me? Only myself. The me now, I can kill him with my own two hands, so I don’t gotta be scared. Committing a crime? Still better than getting burned by an iron.”

He told his story while sitting against the bed, topless and emotionless, as though the story was not about himself.

It was probably his first time telling it.

I had thought before that his abusive stepfather had… But the reality and my own speculations were completely different.

I felt like I could not breathe.

He was in grade eight when I had just entered university. I was in a strop with my dad because I didn’t get into a good school. I was gloomy because of the major I got. I was depressed because I was gay. Even now, after all these years, I was still pretty useless. I couldn’t do anything.

He had let me f.u.c.k him. He had been shaking like a leaf on the cot. I had been feeling good.

He had beaten the rapist to death in the detention center. My family had arranged that rapist.

He said that he didn’t want people looking down on him and that he wouldn’t do anything bad.

He always said that I spoiled him, that I was good to him. What had I done though?

I did not have the right to pity him. I wasn’t as strong as he. I could not have helped him even if I knew him before. That was why I needed to make him stay and treat him well with everything I had.

I wrapped him in the blanket. Didn’t want it to turn into pneumonia in this cold weather. He was quite compliant, probably was too tired from the wounds, the fever and then the speech. Next, I sat down beside him, too.

“Thirsty? I’ll go boil some more water. You’re still running a fever.”

He turned to look at me with his bright, black eyes, but quickly faced another way. “Don’t pity me. I’ll just pretend I got bit by a stray dog.”

“Yeah, you got bit by me, alright.”

He turned back around and this time his eyes were reddish. “You know that ain’t what I meant. I did it on my own free will.”

I took him into my arms. He was pretty fat wrapped in blankets.

“Didn’t you want me to keep spoiling you? Stay and I’ll spoil you with love.”

He spoke with his voice m.u.f.fled in my chest. “You’re a good person and I really like you, so all the reason for me not to hurt you. I actually thought about it. Me and you can’t happen. I’m bad and you’re good. You got parents and a proper business. And what am I? I’d never been loved and I’m happy now that I got some from you. I snuck out this time ‘cause I just wanted to see you. Don’t worry about me anymore. I wish you a good life after I leave. That girl, Ah-Fen, is pretty nice to you–”

I blocked his mouth with mine.

He still had a fever and his mouth was unusually warm.

As we kissed, he began crying again.

Actually, he didn’t look half-bad when he cried—like a bunny.

“You want me to slap you again?” One of his cheeks was already swollen from my slap. I licked at his tears gently. “What the h.e.l.l are you saying? I’m gay and there’s nothing more to it. If you don’t come back, I’m going to be widowed.”

“But I…” he paused. “My current boss is really nice to me. The old son of a b.i.t.c.h wasn’t released yet when I went in. It was this boss who got his peeps to finish him.”

“That’s just to use you. And now you’re risking your life for him?” I see.

He shook his head. “He’s a real brother, I’m telling you. He didn’t force me.”

What an idiot. Of course he didn’t force you. He had you willingly jumping into his trap.

“What have you done for him? Tell me the truth.”

“Nothin’, really. He doesn’t let me do anythin’ illegal. I just guard a few of the important figures and I don’t really get injured. You just always see it every time I do. This time I was protecting the boss from…” He took a glimpse at me and stuck out his tongue without finis.h.i.+ng.

Protecting? From what, bullets? Or knives? Who did he think he was? Jet Li or Jackie Chan?

He never thought about spending the rest of his life with me. He just wanted a ‘had-been’ and not a ‘will-be.’

I held my breath. I was not very happy. Judging from what he told me, this boss of his avenged him and gave him a job, and he was super grateful. Why was that man so nice to him? Could it be that he had some feelings…?

f.u.c.k! How could I be jealous at a time like this?

His fever came back again stronger than before, which was good. Better that he lied in bed sick so I can keep him under my watch for a week or two.

I didn’t want to leave so I called Ah-Fen after tucking him in and asked her to buy some fever medication, antibiotics, gauze and disinfectant. The girl tried to nag, to which I gave a piece of my mind. I also threatened to kick her back to the countryside if she were to blab to my ma.

He took the meds and the fever went down after a day’s sleep. He was young after all.

Then I made Ah-Fen bring over some rice, side dishes and hot congee. Her eyes kept dancing past me into the house.

Annoyed, I said, “It’s your sister-in-law inside. You’re welcome to say hi!”

“Wait, what?” Her jaw dropped open. She wanted to say something else but was too scared to, so she left.

I fed him some congee and then changed his dressing. A gunshot wound on the left shoulder, a knife wound on the chest. I felt so bad and so angry. That motherf.u.c.king ungrateful son of a b.i.t.c.h only knew to use kids. That piece of s.h.i.+t!

“What d’you say?”

“Nothing. You just sleep.”

“’Kay.” He was such a good kid when sick. “Ge?” he called whiningly.

“Ge, will you not like me if I take the bad path?”

I really wanted to say: Of course not. However, he had already gone down the wrong path, hadn’t he? Could I not like him, not spoil him, if he really went into the bad business and killed people?

I didn’t answer and he didn’t ask again.

The bed was big so I went on and cuddled with him. He hugged me back and even snuck his hand down my pants like a naughty child.

“Watch it!”

He just laughed.

Nonetheless, he had no energy in him and quickly dozed off again. His hand was still clasped on mine when I got up to pee in the middle of the night. I moved it off lightly but he grabbed it again. “Ge, don’t go. Don’t go.”

I stayed awake with all I had but still fell asleep later in the night. I thought to myself, I’ll have a good talk with him tomorrow or the day after and make sure he stays.

When I woke up the next morning, however, there was n.o.body beside me.

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