Part 18 (2/2)
”And how would you be spelling that?”
”Look it doesn't matter. Just let me speak to Ben.”
”Well you see I would, but he's kind of in mourning like. Mourning of the getting utterly hammered variety owing to Katy totally throwing him over a bridge this morning.”
”I know that but I need to speak to him, it's urgent.”
”Well I'll try. What did you say your name was?”
”Daniel.”
”Oi, Ben. Some bloke called Daniel needs to speak to you about Katy.”
”Tell the gay b.a.s.t.a.r.d to f.u.c.k off,” Daniel heard in the distance at the other end of the line.
”He said, tell the gay b.a.s.t.a.r.d to f.u.c.k off. No offence like mate. He doesn't actually think you are gay, he's just saying that because he's p.i.s.sed.”
”That's charming. Just tell him that Katy has gone into labour will you?”
”He says Katy's in labour.”
”Katy who? I don't give a f.u.c.k.”
”Did you hear that?” Braindead asked Daniel.
”Look I know what Katy did was wrong and she feels terrible believe me, but she needs him right now to compartmentalise his anger and be with her.”
”You want me to tell him that?”
”Yes.”
”This bloke says you need to compost your anger and be with her.”
”Tell the gay t.w.a.t that none of his advertising bulls.h.i.+t is going to work now.”
”I a.s.sume you heard that. Again don't take offence at the gay thing; he calls everyone gay when he's p.i.s.sed.”
”He is gay, you idiot,” Ben bellowed in the background.
”No, is he? Are you?” asked Braindead.
”Yes, but it is not exactly relevant at this moment is it?”
”It is if someone is calling you a gay t.w.a.t when you are not. But now I know you are that's fine.”
”Thank you, I think. Anyway, look you have to help me. We have to get Ben back here to be with Katy at the birth. She wants him I know she does. You have to help me persuade him. He'll regret it for the rest of his life if he's not there.”
”Why?” asked Braindead.
”Because... because of course he will. Because what if it really is his child and he misses the birth because he's out getting p.i.s.sed.”
”Ah but what if it isn't? As he has actually been saying all day. What if it isn't? What if he spends hours with a wailing woman for nothing, only to see someone else's baby born? Man, there is no way I would do that, would you?”
”But, but, but it still could be his,” said Daniel, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He took another swig of brandy, this time straight from the bottle.
Come on Daniel, he said to himself. I do this all the time, this is my job. I have to sell people thoughts, ideas, images. I have to convince them that my opinion as a Creative Director is always right. I do this every day. Come on, think.
”Look Braindead. Tell him to imagine this tiny helpless pink little bundle has just arrived in the world looking for its father. Crying desperately because there is no-one there to hold him.”
”You want me to tell him that?”
”Yes, go on, you can do it.”
”Right, he's now saying it will be small and pink and wanting its dad and you won't be there.”
”Tell him to call its other b.l.o.o.d.y dad then.”
”Don't think that was the right thing to say somehow?” said Braindead to Daniel.
”OK, just bear with me. Tell him to imagine a beautiful little girl who sings like an angel and dances like a b.u.t.terfly and makes him so proud it makes him want to cry. Can he really walk away from that?”
”Are you sure you want me to tell him that?”
”Yep, go on and a bit more emotion this time?”
”Emotion? What, you want me to cry?”
”If you can, great.”
”Who is this guy?” Braindead said to Ben. ”Anyway he says you'd be proud because she's like an angel and a b.u.t.terfly.”
”No, no, no,” said Daniel. ”I said she sings like an angel and dances like a b.u.t.terfly.”
”Look, I'm trying mate but you're not really selling it are you. Have you ever met Ben? Angels and b.u.t.terflies are not really his thing. Yours maybe, but not our Ben.”
”Right, right, yes you're right. Not his thing. I am not thinking who my consumer is. Always bring it back to the consumer. I'm forgetting my fundamentals.”
”Look mate I'm sorry, you probably mean well but I don't think this is really doing any good is it?”
”No, don't hang up. Give me one more shot. Just hang on. I am thinking Ben now. What would it take? Come on, it's coming, it's coming. Got it. Are you ready Braindead?”
”Come on then but that's it, no more after this.”
”Imagine in a few hours' time the next great England striker could be born here in Leeds. Ben's son playing for England. And how would Ben cope whenever he watched his son play in a match, knowing that he didn't even bother to turn up at his debut appearance. Now he might not be Ben's son and he might not play for England but then again he might and isn't might enough?”
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