Part 13 (1/2)
”Well I guess they do have a lot in common,” said Matthew.
”Because they are both too young, you mean?” Katy shot back. ”Ben's not that young you know.”
”You're right, he's actually very mature,” said Matthew, unable to withhold the sarcasm.
”Matthew,” said Alison sharply. ”Just ignore him Katy. He's in a foul mood. I'm so glad you're here so at least I can have a sensible conversation with someone before we make our apologies and leave this excuse for a wedding.”
Katy was shocked at Alison's visible disdain. ”As long as Charlene and Luke are happy that's all that matters, isn't it?” she said.
”Well I guess if you get married at eighteen what can you expect? But seriously Katy. Would you be happy if you and Ben ended up having your very first dance as a married couple in a shed?” asked Alison.
”Katy and Ben aren't getting married, they told you,” said Matthew firmly.
”They might,” said Alison. ”They might change their minds after the baby arrives.”
”Who knows,” replied Katy, looking around desperately. ”Oh look, here's Daniel coming back,” she said with considerable relief.
”h.e.l.lo, one and all,” he said as he approached. ”What a marvellous party.”
”You seem to be an instant hit,” said Katy. ”What on earth did you find to talk about to teenage girls?”
”Music and dancing of course,” he said. ”The two greatest obsessions that teenage girls and gay men share. That as well as being in love of course,” he added, giving Matthew a sly smile.
”And also public toilets it would seem,” said Katy digging Daniel in the ribs, pointing out Charlene and her gang of friends trouping into the ladies toilets.
”There is no need for such vulgarity Katy. For your information they have gone to change for the first dance,” said Daniel.
”What, all of them?”
”Yes all of them. Now I suggest we go and find a seat with a good view because you don't want to miss this, trust me.”
Daniel hustled them to the edge of the dance floor and found seats for the pregnant ladies. Shortly afterwards Charlene emerged from the toilets followed by her entourage dressed, or rather not dressed, in metallic blue, frighteningly short miniskirts and bra-tops. Charlene herself was in a slightly more demure but nonetheless pretty offensive bright red frilly number which was knee length at the back but sadly only just crotch length at the front owing to her b.u.mp. She staggered across the dancefloor in ankle-breaking high heels to the front door of the hall.
”You lot. Put your f.a.gs out and come in here now,” she shouted to the puffing throng outside the door. ”If you don't I am shutting the bar, because this is my wedding and you have to do what I tell you.”
She strutted back across the hall towards the DJ as the rowdy smokers trickled in and headed straight for the bar.
Charlene's mates were now all standing in a vague line in the middle of the dance floor doing some bizarre limb wriggling as if preparing to set off for a sprint. Charlene spent a few moments shouting in the DJ's ear before he gave a thumbs up. She then picked her way back through a maze of cables and speakers until she was in the centre of her a.s.sembled crew. She shouted something and they instantly formed a rigid straight line with about two feet between each of them.
”OK, ladies and gentlemen,” said the DJ interrupting his utterly predictable Motown section. ”If I could have your undivided attention, we have something very special for you tonight. Apparently our handsome groom Luke didn't want to do a first dance because he's too shy. Let's hear a big aaaah for Luke everybody.”
The room was silent apart from a small child shouting, ”Get off my ninny,” from underneath a table.
”Come on people, a big aaaah for poor old Luke,” begged the DJ.
A feeble aaah came from the old fogeys' corner who were now taking it in turns to go into the kitchen to ask what time the buffet was being served.
”So anyway, our Charlene, not being the shy type herself, decided that she would still have a first dance, but with her mates instead, and dedicate it to her brand new husband. So here for one night only are the Hussycat Dolls of Leeds performing for your delight Don't Cha Wish Your Husband Was Hot Like Mine.”
”Bravo, bravo,” cheered Daniel wildly. ”Just inspired. Fan-b.l.o.o.d.y-tastic. You go girls.”
The line of girls were all gently nodding at each other in time to the music as the intro bars to the song came pounding over the speakers. Then they all seemed to draw breath in unison before launching into flamboyant, not quite synchronised arm waving which took them through the entire first verse. This was followed by a moment's respite before they braced themselves for the chorus. As the first line came up they all jumped forward in the air in unison then stood and gyrated wildly whilst shouting the adapted lyrics at the top of their voices.
Don't cha wish your husband was hot like mine?
You really shouldn't wish 'cause from today he's all mine?
Don't cha Don't cha baby Don't cha wish your husband was right like mine?
If you try and steal him I will fight you 'cause he's mine.
Don't cha Don't cha Baby The effect was very disturbing. Some of the girls had clearly spent hours perfecting their gyrating whereas some of the more physically challenged looked like clay on a potter's wheel in the hands of a very poor potter.
By this time Daniel was hysterical.
”You couldn't pay for this,” he said as he wiped his eyes. ”Even my creative genius couldn't make this up. Although I have to admit I did give Charlene the idea but I never dreamed it would turn out like this. I think I might sign them up. They would be best in show at gay pride, I'm sure.”
To their credit they kept it together right until the last chorus when Charlene lost it. The little kids in the room clearly thought that the all singing, all dancing troupe had been brought in for their entertainment and were now standing in line in front of them attempting to copy their every move. It was not this however that upset Charlene. It was Scott who had stuffed two balloons and a cus.h.i.+on down his front. His bright blue and red cleavage could be seen bursting out of the top of his s.h.i.+rt whilst a gold ta.s.sel dangled jauntily out the bottom. He was standing directly behind Charlene mimicking her every move as well as stopping every few moments to clutch his back and pull a pained face behaving every bit the heavily pregnant girl. Charlene finally caught sight of people laughing at something behind her and whirled round to find Scott in mid flow.
”Mum, get Scott away,” she wailed. ”Why does he have to ruin everything? It's not fair. Muuuuuuum, now.”
Charlene's mum appeared from nowhere and attached herself to his ear and dragged him off.
This took only a moment then Charlene returned to the routine as if nothing had happened.
”What a pro, what a pro,” shouted Daniel as he leapt up for the final line of the song to lead the standing ovation. ”Brilliant, just brilliant.”
”She's quite a performer, your wife,” said Ben, loitering by the bar with Luke who was trying to be as inconspicuous as possible.
”Tell me about it,” he muttered.
”What do your parents think of her?” asked Ben, trying not to stare at Charlene's too short skirt bouncing up and down to reveal way too much underwear.
”Don't care.”
”Where are they? I've not seen them yet.”
”Gone home.”
”I see.”
Ben took another long slug of his extra strong lager, the third pint he had managed to down since he had arrived.
”So Luke, you OK with all of this marriage and baby stuff?” asked Ben.
”Yeah.”