Part 14 (1/2)

CHAPTER VI

For some time after this he absented himself from me; and, when he returned, his manners were still more unequal; even his sentiments, and principles, at times, appeared to ed I tried, in vain, to accommodate myself to a disposition so various My affection, , torturing, emotions, threw a constraint over my behaviour--My situation became absolutely intolerable--time was murdered, activity vain, virtue inefficient: yet, a secret hope inspired me, that _indifference_ could not have produced the irritations, the inequalities, that thus harrassed ht, I observed a conflict in his mind; his fits of absence, and reflection, were unusual, deep, and frequent: I watched them with anxiety, with terror, with breathless expectation

My health became affected, and my mind disordered I perceived that it was impossible to proceed, in the er--I felt that it would, inevitably, destroy me

I reflected, meditated, reasoned, with hts were incessantly impelled, was destructive of all order, of all connection' New projects occurred to e--I revolved thehed their advantages and disadvantages, in aevils appeared on all sides--I endeavoured, at once, to free my mind from prejudice, and froular_ circumstances in which I had placed uments of the case, and nicely to calculate their force and iht to believe, the benevolent Author of nature be, indeed, benevolent,' said I, to myself, 'he surely must have intended the _happiness_ of his creatures Our morality cannot extend to hie, and practice, of those duties which e to ourselves and to each other--Individual happiness constitutes the general good:--_happiness_ is the only true _end_ of existence; --all notions of morals, founded on any other principle, involve in theht, when pursuing interest and pleasure--it argues no depravity--this is the fable of superstition: he ought to only be careful, that, in seeking his own good, he does not render it incoood of others--that he does not consider hi alone in the universe The infraction of established _rules_ may, it is possible, in some cases, be productive of mischief; yet, it is difficult to state any _rule_ so precise and determinate, as to be alike applicable to every situation: what, in one instance, ht be a _vice_, in another may possibly becos, ht, every motive, every action, of our lives--no one can estiment for, another

'I have so phanto operations of tiht, perhaps, recover my mind from its present distempered state; but, in the our of life running to waste--Should I, at length, awake from a delusive vision, it would be only to find , wanderer, in the dreary wilderness of hu the happiness, and the i wider and wider, would operate towards the grand end of life--_general utility_'

Again I repeated to myself--'Ascetic virtues are equally barbarous as vain:--the only just morals, are those which have a tendency to increase the bulk of enjoyood which I seek does not appear to me to involve injury to any one--it is of a nature, adapted to the disposition of my mind, for which every event of n and accident, have fitted me If I am now put out, I may, perhaps, do mischief:--the placid stream, forced from its channel, lays waste the meadow I seem to stand as upon a wide plain, bounded on all sides by the horizon:--a the objects which I perceive within these limits, some are so lofty, my eyes ache to look up to them; others so low, I disdain to stoop for them _One_, only, seees my attention! Is not its possession worthy an arduous effort: _Perseverance_ can turn the course of rivers, and level mountains! Shall I, then, relinquish e of success?

'The mind must have an object:--should I desist from my present pursuit, after all it has cost e it? I feel, that I am neither a philosopher, nor a heroine--but a _woiven a sexual character_ It is true, I have risen superior to the generality of my _oppressed sex_; yet, I have neither the talents for a legislator, nor for a reformer, of the world I have stilldelicacies, that unfit hts Ambition cannot stimulate me, and to accumulate wealth, I am still less fitted Should I, then, do violence to n its hopes and expectations, what can preserve uor and inanity_?

--Alas! that tender and faithful heart refuses to change its object--it can never love another Like Rousseau's Julia,individual attachment has annihilated every man in the creation:--hiless

'I have laboured to iht be worthy of the situation I have chosen I would unite led virtues and talents perpetuated in our offspring--I would experience those sweet sensations, of which nature has formed my heart so exquisitely susceptible My ardent sensibilities incite me to love--to seek to inspire sympathy--to be beloved! My heart obstinately refuses to renounce the man, to whose mind my own seems akin! Froth e circles on the peaceful bosom of the smooth and expanded lake--the whole sensitive and rational creation Is it virtue, then, to combat, or to yield to, my passions?'

I considered, and reconsidered, these reasonings, so specious, so flattering, to which passion lent its force One moment, my mind seemed firmly made up on the part I had to act;--I persuaded one too far to recede, and that there reasping, from my own resolves, and shuddered at the important consequences which they involved A eth, once more, took up my pen

CHAPTER VII

TO AUGUSTUS HARLEY

'I blush, when I reflect what a weak, wavering, inconsistent being, I must lately have appeared to you I write to you on important subjects--I forbid you to answer me on paper; and, when you seeh-wrought, and trying, state of s, which is now become so necessary, I appear neither to hear, nor to comprehend you I fly from the subject, and thicken the cloud of mystery, of which I have so often, and, I still think, so justly complained--These are some of the effects of the contradictory syste bewildered our principles and conduct A combination of causes, added to the conflict between a thousand delicate and nameless emotions, have lately conspired to confuse, to weaken, my spirits You can conceive, that these acute, mental, sensations, must have had a temporary effect on the state of my health To say truth (and, had I not said it, my countenance would have betrayed hly disordered

'Once th; for I feel, that a er continuance in the situation, in which my mind has been lately involved, would be insupportable:--and I call upon you, _noith a resolution to summon all my fortitude to bear the result, for the _written_ state of your mind, on the topic become so important to my future welfare and usefulness

'You may suppose, that a mind like mine must have, repeatedly, set itself to examine, on every side, all that could possibly have a relation to a subject affecting it so materially You have hinted at _mysterious_ obstacles to the wish, in which every faculty ofwith you, a connection, nearer, _and more tender_, than that of friendshi+p Thisroom for conjecture (and how frequently have I warned you of this!), left rooination, and of hope--left roo _your own feelings_ as well as mine, to a mistaken principle Is it possible that you were not aware of this--you, who are not unacquainted with the nature of the norant of the nature of my mind--which I had so explicitly, so unreservedly, laid open! I had a double claim upon your confidence--a confidence, that I was utterly incapable of abusing, or betraying--a confidence, which must have stopped my onizing, pangs I have sustained Mine were not coht the ere this, have caused them temporarily to subside into their accustomed channels You understand little of the huination is vivid, the feelings strong, the views and desires not bounded by common rules;--in such overnable and fatal: where there is er--My h education and habit loith equal zeal to attain its end”[11] Yes, I rand mistake_; and the train of consequences which --But, I mean no reproach--we are all liable to errors; and my own, I feel, are many, and various But to return--

[Footnote 11: Holcraft's Anna St Ives]

'You hts, every possible difficulty on the subject alluded to; balancing their degrees of probability and force:--and, I will frankly confess, such is the sanguine ardour of my temper, that I can conceive but one obstacle, that would be _absolutely invincible_; which is, supposing that you have already contracted a _legal, irrecoverable_, engagee, under five heads, (on all occasions, I love to class and methodize) every other possible species of objection, and subjoin all the reasonings which have occurred to ine, as thedifficulty, that you love another I would, then, ask--Is she capable of estinanimity to tell you so--would she sacrifice to that affection every meaner consideration--has she the merit to secure, as well as accoard?--You are too well acquainted with the human heart, not to be aware, that what is co nature, kept alive only by hopes and fears, if the qualities upon which it is founded afford no basis for its subsiding into tender confidence, and rational esteem Beauty may inspire a transient desire, vivacity araces; but the first will quickly fade and grow faenerate into iate your own heart--Would you not, when the ardour of the passions, and the fervor of the ient, friend, take place of the engaging er of your affairs, the rational and judicious , the faithful sharer of your cares, the firm friend to your interest, the tender consoler of your sorrows, the co participator of your nobler pursuits, the friend of your virtues, your talents, your reputation--who could understand you, as formed to pass the ordeal of honour, virtue, friendshi+p?--Ask yourself these questions--ask them closely, without sophistry, and without evasion You are not, now, an infatuated boy! Supposing, then, that you are, at present, entangled in an engagement which answers not this description--Is it virtue to fulfil, or to renounce, it? Contrast it with h our different claims! _Would you have been the selected choice, of this wo her equally happy--would nothing compensate to her for your loss--are you the only object that she beholds in creation--ement suit her equally well, or better--is her whole soul absorbed but by one sentiment, that of fervent love for you--is her future usefulness, as well as peace, at stake--does she understand your high qualities better than ement promise a favourable issue, or does it threaten to wear away the best period of life in protracted and uncertain feeling--_the most pernicious, and destructive, of all state of mind?_ Remember, also, that the summer of life will quickly fade; and that he who has reached the summit of the hill, has no tie is approaching, and lifefast away--I quit this, to state my second hypothesis--

'That you esteem and respect me, but that your heart has hitherto refused the syht to awaken in it If this be the case, it remains to search for the reason; and, I own, I am at a loss to find it, either in moral, or physical, causes Our principles are in unison, our tastes and habits not dissie of, and confidence in, each other's virtues is reciprocal, tried, and established--our ages, personal accomplishments, and mental acquirements do not materially differ Froes would result I have found uished, esteeht for this distinction How, then, can I believe it co efforts, and reiterated impressions, can have produced no effect upon yours? Is your heart constituted differently from every other human heart?--I have lately observed an inequality in your behaviour, that has whispered so to my heart Examine yourself--Have you felt no peculiar interest in what concerns me--would the idea of our separation affect you with no ht and common emotion?--One more question propose to yourself, as a test--Could you see me form a new, and more fortunate, attachment, with indifference? If you cannot, without hesitation, answer these questions, I have still a powerful pleader in your bosoh unconscious of it yourself, that will, ulti an unequivocal effect, itmistaken the _means_ proper to produce the desired _end_

My own sensibility, and e of your character may, here, have co and depressing powers, cloudingto you with es--these effects would diminish as assurance took the place of doubt The last, every day would contribute to correct Permit me, then, _to hope for_, as well as to seek your affections, and if I do not, at length, gain and secure them, it will be a phenomenon in the history of mind!

'But to proceed to my third supposition--The peculiar, pecuniary, embarrassments of your situation--Good God!

did this barbarous, insidious, relation, allow himself to consider the pernicious consequences of his absurd bequest?--threatening to undermine every manly principle, to blast every social virtue? Oh! that I had the eloquence to rouse you from this tame and unworthy acquiescence--to stimulate you to exercise your talents, to trust to the independent energies of your mind, to exert yourself to procure the honest rewards of virtuous industry In proportion as we lean for support on foreign aid, we lose the dignity of our nature, and palsey those pohich constitute that nature's worth Yet, I will allow, froe of your habits and associations, this obstacle its full force But there re, even this! I will frankly confess, that could I hope to gain the interest in your heart, which I have so long and so earnestly sought--rity,to your happiness, would effect, what no lesser considerations could have effected--would triumph, not over my principles, (_for the individuality of an affection constitutes its chastity_) but overto sacrifice every inferior consideration--retain your legacy, so capriciously bequeathed--retain your present situation, and I will retain h not a violation of modesty, certainly involves in it very serious hazards--_It is, wholly, the triuement would satisfy a hted and returned--an after separation, otherwise than by mutual consent, would be my destruction--I should not survive your desertion My existence, then, would be in your hands Yet, having once confided, your affection should be my recompence--my sacrifice should be a cheerful and a voluntary one; I would determine not to harrass you with doubts nor jealousies, I would neither reflect upon the past, nor distrust the future: I would rest upon you, I would confide in you fearlessly and entirely! but, though I would not enquire after the past, my delicacy would require the assurance of your present, undivided, affection