Part 22 (1/2)
”Bill!” cried the Head of the Food Technology Department in a plaintive voice. ”Why do you look at me like that?”
The Head of PE glowered, curled his top lip, shook his cudgel menacingly and moved towards his victim. The dog snarled, as if on cue. ”It's dark 'ere under the arches, aint it, Nancy, my gel, but there's light enough for wot I got to do.”
”Whadaya mean, Bill?”
”You've opened them pretty red lips of yours, Nancy, once too often but you'll not be opening 'em again .. . he ver He then gave a great tug on the piece of rope attached to the dog. Bullseye had planted his bow legs firmly on the boards, however and did not move an inch.
”Come on, Bullseye!” commanded the Head of PE in a voice as rough as gravel and gave the rope another great tug. The dog lifted its fat, round head slightly and fixed him with its cold b.u.t.ton eyes. Then it shot like a cannonball straight for him, snarling and slavering.
”b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l!” shrieked the Head of PE and, dropping his cudgel, shot offstage right, leaving the dog centre stage and Nancy frozen at the other side. The animal eyed her viciously and began to move slowly in her direction. The conductor, with great presence of mind, took charge of the situation and, tapping his baton on his music stand, led the orchestra into a reprise of'As Long As He Needs Me'. The Head of the Food Technology Department, in a frightened little voice, quavered the song to a hushed audience. The dog ambled across the stage, surveyed her for a moment, growled and then displayed his magnificent set of teeth.
There was a voice offstage. ”Here, Daisy, here, girl! Daisy, come on, Daisy, here, girl!” The dog remained rooted to the spot, snarling and snapping its jaws. The Head of the Food Technology Department stopped singing and, terrified, stared at the beast as it edged closer.
”This is no b.l.o.o.d.y good at all!” Lord Marrick said loudly, rising to his feet. He strode to the side of the stage, mounted the steps, skirted round the trembling Nancy and took hold of the dog's collar. ”Now then, Daisy!” he commanded staring down into the animal's s.h.i.+mmering eyes. ”Sit! Down!” The dog returned the gaze for a moment, then flopped flat to the floor. ”Come to heel!” ordered Lord Marrick. The dog scrabbled to its feet obediently and was led offstage to loud, appreciative clapping. A rather shame-faced Bill Sikes reappeared, quickly despatched Nancy by strangulation and made an embarra.s.sed exit.
”Well, that were a rum do,” observed Councillor Peterson, scratching his head as we headed for the exit at the end of the performance.
”They just need to know who's the master,” said Lord Marrick, looking pretty pleased with himself.
Following the play, Christine and I went out to dinner in Fettlesham. By the time we reached the restaurant we were both in high spirits. Re-living the play's unusual climax, we laughed until we cried. Over coffee, I looked across the table at her. She looked so beautiful. Perhaps this was the moment to tell her that I had fallen for her in a big way.
”Gervase,” she said suddenly, 'there's something I feel I have to tell you.”
”Oh,” I said. This sounded horribly ominous.
”Well, it's rather embarra.s.sing, but I really do have to tell you.”
”What?” My heart sank. She was going to tell me she did not want to see me again, that she was not prepared to share me with Gerry, that she'd heard about office affairs, that there were other fish in the sea, that she had met someone else. ”What?” I asked again. ”What is it?”
”Well,” she paused and glanced away from my piercing gaze. It looked to me as if there was a slight smile on her lips. ”It's really very difficult but someone has to tell you.”
”Tell me, tell me,” I insisted.
”Now it's not something you should feel at all ashamed about.”
”For goodness sake, Christine, put me out of my misery.”
”It is quite embarra.s.sing but'
”Christine! Will you tell me?”
”You have some little lodgers.”
”Lodgers?” I was utterly perplexed.
”In your hair.”
”In my hair?”
”Please stop repeating me,” she said. ”It's difficult enough as it is.” She took a deep breath before whispering, ”You've got nits.”
”Nits!” I cried. Several heads turned in our direction.
”You've been, um, scratching all night. It's quite common for those who work with children to get head lice. You've probably been in a school where a child has them. I see lots of cases. Now, tomorrow you must go straight to the chemist and get some medicated shampoo and a very thin metal comb.”
”Yes, miss,” I said quietly. ”Is there anything else you wish to tell me?”
”Well, I think you're free of scabies,” she replied laughing.
”Will you still go out with me?”
”When you have got rid of the little lodgers,” she said smiling warmly.
I was outside the chemist's bright and early the next morning. While I waited for the shop to open, I considered where I might have picked up the nasty nits. It could not have been from my first visit to Ugglemattersby School because that had been over a month before. However, I had recently paid the school a second visit and now remembered that the self-same Mandy Wilmott had been scratching away at her wild and woolly hair when I had sat in on her cla.s.s to see if any improvements had been made.
A young woman in a bright white nylon overall opened the door at nine o'clock, and smiled at me as I entered. This is oh so embarra.s.sing, I thought to myself.
”May I help you, sir?” she asked brightly.
”Yes, I'd like .. . something .. . for .. . for .. .”
She detected my embarra.s.sment. ”Something for the . weekend?”
”No, no!” I exclaimed. ”I'd like .. . er .. .”
”Would you prefer a male a.s.sistant to help you, sir?”
”Pardon?”
”Is the item you wish to purchase of a personal and intimate nature? Would you prefer the manager to serve you?” She smiled knowingly.
”Oh, well yes, it is of a personal nature. I want something for lice.”
”Is that for head lice?” she asked.
”Oh yes, definitely head lice.”
”Right,” she said and dipped down behind the counter. ”There's this very good shampoo and you need a fine metal comb as well. Is it for your little girl? Long hair often proves very attractive.” I nodded. ”Poor thing. You need to put plenty of conditioner on her hair and comb it thoroughly when it's wet. Nits can't stick to hair with conditioner on.”
”I see.”
”Is there anything else?”
”No, no, that's all,” I said, paying for the items before beating a hasty retreat.
Most of the weekend was spent was.h.i.+ng and showering and scrubbing and combing and by Monday my visitors had gone. I arrived at the office to find my colleagues in very high spirits.
”I could hear the noise from the bottom of the stairs,” I said as I entered.
”You sound just like Mrs. Savage,” Sidney told me with tears in his eyes, and that set everybody off into paroxysms of laughter.