Part 21 (1/2)
”As I was saying,” continued Mrs. Savage now, ”I am here at the behest of Dr. Gore to explain the new procedures and to get you all up to speed. We do not want anyone off-message, do we? I would like, starting now, for all the inspectors to complete a blue Form IMF.”
”A what?” snapped David.
”International Monetary Fund,” explained Sidney.
”The Inspectors' Monthly Forecast form!” exclaimed Mrs. Savage. ”This will replace the green Form IWF, the Inspectors' Weekly Forecast form, which you send to me at present. I will now know well in advance where you are during the days and evenings and then'
”Evenings?” interrupted David. ”What's this about evenings? You want to know what we are doing in the evenings? Good gracious me, this gets worse and worse.”
Mrs. Savage gave a twisted little smile. ”Only if it's official County business, Mr. Pritchard. I am not the slightest bit interested in what you get up to in your own time.”
”Just as well,” said Sidney, looking in my direction. ”I am sure Gervase would not wish to record the many a.s.signations he has with a certain young head teacher ”Now, should there be any changes you wish to make,” continued Mrs. Savage, ignoring him, 'you will need to complete a yellow Form AIMF, an Amendment to the Inspectors' Monthly Forecast form. All visits to schools need to be recorded accurately and clearly and, should there be any changes, the amendments noted. Both the IMF and the AIMF should be sent to me directly so I can make the necessary alterations and adjustments to your programmes.”
”In triplicate?” asked Sidney sarcastically.
”I have brought over a batch of the new forms,” she continued undeterred, 'which I have left in your secretary's office and I would like them returned to me completed, asap.” She stared pointedly again in Sidney's direction. ”Now, it is important that we all come aboard on this.”
”Mrs. Savage began David rising to his feet.
”Well, we will see how it goes, Mrs. Savage,” interrupted Harold with the unruffled gentleness of the peacemaker. Then, without conviction, he added, ”It sounds very reasonable to me.”
”No, Harold!” cried David. ”It does not sound at all reasonable. I have better things to do than complete a lot of silly forms. I do not wish to ”get up to speed”, to be frank, nor to ”come aboard”. I am quite content working at my own steady pace. I am not on a running track nor in a racing car. I well recall some of Mrs. Savage's other hair-brained ideas and wonderful initiatives, such as wearing those idiotic luminous ident.i.ty badges, putting ridiculously complicated codes on the photocopier or making us park in remote areas of the County Hall miles away from this office. All abandoned, as I recall. I have no intention whatsoever of spending my time on forecasts or filling in amendment sheets whether they be blue, green, red or psychedelic pink! I have more b.u.mf on my desk than a Belgian bureaucrat. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a school to visit because that is what I do for a job inspect schools and not sit around pus.h.i.+ng coloured paper backwards and forwards!” With that David s.n.a.t.c.hed up his briefcase and departed.
”And much as I would like to debate the efficacy of your forms, Mrs. Savage,” Sidney told her, maintaining his carefully blank expression, and heading for the door at the same time, ”I too have an appointment at nine o'clock in the far distant Dales.”
Mrs. Savage looked like a startled ostrich. ”Well.. .” was all she could muster to say in a strangled sort of voice.
”I will have a word with them, Mrs. Savage,” Harold told her gently, 'and, as I said, we will see how it goes. I feel certain'
”I have to say I find your two colleagues very offhand, Dr. Yeats,” said Mrs. Savage, regaining some composure and readjusting the chiffon. ”I am only endeavouring to make the system more efficient, that's all. I do have a job to do and it makes it exceedingly difficult if the people who'
”I'm sure you are only doing what you feel is for the best,” rea.s.sured Harold, showing his set of tombstone teeth.
”And I shall be mentioning their opposition to Dr. Gore.” She looked in my direction. ”Have you anything to say, Mr. Phinn?” she asked curtly.
”Well, now you ask, Mrs. Savage, I really do think that we have quite enough paper arriving on our desks. The present system seems to me to work well and'
”I am sure there will be no problems,” interposed Harold, rubbing his large hands together. ”It shouldn't take all that long to complete your forecasts. Julie can check through my colleagues' desk diaries, fill in the details and bring the forms over later today or tomorrow.”
”Where is your secretary, by the way, Dr. Yeats?” asked Mrs. Savage suddenly.
”I asked her to take our new colleague over to the main building and show her where everything is post room, resources area, library, that sort of thing.”
”I see.”
There was a clattering of shoes on the stairs and a few moments later Julie arrived accompanied by the new science inspector who had arrived that morning.
”Ah, I see you have arrived,” said Mrs. Savage, ignoring Julie and addressing herself directly to Gerry Mullarkey. She did not wait for any response. ”I was expecting you this afternoon, but since you are here, I'll explain a few things if you would like to accompany me over to my office.”
Gerry smiled an easy smile. ”And who are you?” she enquired.
”I am Mrs. Savage, Dr. Gore's personal a.s.sistant,” she responded tartly.
”I'm pleased to meet you, Mrs. Savage,” said Gerry in a quite charming voice.
”What is your shorthand like?” asked Mrs. Savage.
”Non-existent.”
”Your typing speed?”
”About a word a minute, I should think.”
”Well, this does not sound at all encouraging. Can you use a dictaphone?”
”No.”
”Have you any qualifications at all?”
”Well, I have a degree in physics, a masters degree in microbiology, a Ph.D.” and I'm a Fellow of the Royal Inst.i.tute of Chemists.”
”Oh!” exclaimed Mrs. Savage. ”I thought you were the temporary clerical a.s.sistant, from the agency in Fettlesham.”
”No, no,” interposed Harold, 'this is Dr. Mullarkey, the new science inspector, who has just started. I believe you were on one of your courses at the time of the interviews.”
”Oh, I see. Someone might have said something earlier, Dr. Yeats. I a.s.sumed that Dr. Mullarkey was a man.”
”Most people do,” replied Gerry.
Mrs. Savage looked, for once, distinctly uncomfortable and I could not wait to recount the episode to Sidney and David.
”Well, perhaps when you have a moment, Dr. Mullarkey,” said Mrs. Savage, 'you could call up and see me in my office. It's in the Annexe to the rear of County Hall. Well, I have work to do,” she told us with stiff finality, as though we were wilfully detaining he rand with that she swept in the direction of the stairs. She reappeared a second later. ”And I would appreciate those forms, Dr. Yeats, as soon as possible.” ”She is the most objectionable, unpleasant, ill-mannered, sour-faced old trout I have ever met!” exclaimed Julie when Mrs. Savage had finally made her grand exit. ”Swarming about in that ridiculous coloured tent of a dress like Florence of Arabia, treating everybody like yesterday's left-overs. Never said one word to me. Did you notice that? Not a word. And did you see the hair? She looks like she's been frightened by a firework. And as for that plastic surgery she's had, it didn't work, I can tell you that. When you get close up, the skin that's been stretched right back off her face is tucked under her chin like a gerbil's pouch. I reckon the surgeon must have been left-handed.”
”Julie,” I said, 'don't hold back. Tell us what you really think about Mrs. Savage.” Laughter returned to the office.
”You never told me she was beautiful.”
Christine and I were walking down the drive to Castlesnelling High School on a warm Friday evening on our way to the final performance of the staff and students' production of the musical Oliver!. Christine looked stunning. Her hair shone golden, her blue eyes sparkled like ice in the moonlight and the light-coloured, close-fitting coat showed off perfectly her slim figure. She looked like a movie star. I felt so proud to be with her.
”I didn't think it was important,” I replied casually.
”You just said she was very clever, you never mentioned that she had looks as well as brains.” Our conversation had got around to Dr. Gerry Mullarkey, who had visited Winnery Nook School that day. ”She was certainly singing your praises. She said how helpful you had been.”
”Really?” I replied in a non-committal tone of voice.
”Taken her around schools, introduced her to all the important people, helped her settle in, even shown her some of the wonderful scenery. You must have seen quite a lot of her.”
”Well, it's the least I can do. After all, she is a new colleague and everyone was really friendly when I started.” By this time we had arrived at the entrance and a good opportunity for me, I thought, to change the subject. ”I hope this production is going to be all right,” I said, opening the door for Christine. ”The last play I saw here was awful.”
”Is she married?”