Part 16 (1/2)
”Yes, I know; but the North - will they take this as a settlement of the question?”
”The North!” echoed the Major. ”Will they give up, you mean?
Not just yet! The Government does not feel like it. Do you?”
”I am so ignorant -” I answered.
”You must be, - pardon my saying so. Not at all. The sting of the whip will make us move faster. Orders are issued already for the reinforcement and reorganisation of the army. General McClellan is to take command here; and we will get things upon a new basis.”
”Is McClellan the man we want?” Mrs. Sandford inquired.
”I cannot say. If he is not, we will wait for another.”
”You are very cool, Major Fairbairn!” said the lady.
”It is the best plan, in July.”
”But it is very hard to keep cool.”
The major smiled and looked at me.
”What has Patterson been doing all this while?” I asked.
Smiles died out of the major's face.
”_He_ has kept cool,” he said. ”Easy - when a man never was warm.”
”And you think, major,” said Mrs. Sandford, ”you really think that the truth is not so bad as it has been reported. Why, Mr.
May was positive the rebels would come and take Was.h.i.+ngton.
You think there has not been such dreadful loss of life after all?”.
”A tenth of the story will be nearer the mark,” said the major. ”But we shall know more particulars to-morrow; and I will step in again, as I can, and let you know what I know. I must not stay now.” And with a bow to me, the major went.
I did not stop then to inquire what his bow meant. Nor did I hear Mrs. Sandford's long string of comments and speculations, any further than was necessary to enable me to reply from time to time with some show of connectedness. I was eagerly calculating chances, without any basis of data to go upon.
Trying to conjecture General Patterson's probable coming duty, and to what it might lead. If his foe had disappeared from before him, must he not follow on this way, where (I thought) men were so imperatively needed? If he came, there would be fighting for him, certainly, the next time! Beauregard would muster again for the fray; I knew that; and it seemed the Union army was going to make ready also on its side. If Patterson and his command staid where he was, to take care of that part of the country, perhaps it might be a bloodless charge for a while; it might, till the two grand armies should encounter once more, and one or the other get the mastery.
Then, how long might it be, before these two armies would be ready to try another, a third tussle together? and would Mr.
Thorold be willing to stay permanently where inaction would be his portion? Twenty such incongruous unreasonable questions I was mooting and turning over, while Mrs. Sandford's running fire of talk made it impossible for me to think to any conclusion.
When I went up to my room, however, and got free of her, I sat down to it. There had been no fighting for this bout in that part of the army where Patterson commanded and where Thorold served. So far he had escaped. Now, if Patterson could only be kept in that region, for a little time, and the question between the North and South be brought to an issue meanwhile and decided here -
I was in a fever of hope and fear, cogitating deeply things which I had no means of knowing or settling, when the question suddenly occurred to me, What was I doing? What was I doing?
Only, trying to arrange the wheels of Providence; trying to make peace and war; to kill and to keep alive. I was taking and bearing on my shoulders the burden of the nation's armies and of their destiny. It fell on my heart all at once, what I was doing. And my nerves were straining, even now, to throw around my beloved the s.h.i.+eld of circ.u.mstances; to keep him where he would be safe; to put my hand between his life and a blow. Could Daisy do that? Was her arm long enough, or her eye enough far-seeing? In despair and in humiliation both, I fell on my knees. _This_ must be given up. I must leave armies and battles, yes and every several bullet and cannon ball, yes, yes, and more; I must leave Mr. Thorold's life and heart in other hands than mine. I must put the care of them out of mine; I must give up even the thought of s.h.i.+elding him, or arranging for him. More. Yes, though it pressed upon my heart with the great difficulty, I must be willing to have G.o.d do, with him and with me, just what He pleased. How else could I live, with the struggle before me? How else could I live at all as a believing and obedient child of G.o.d? ”I must,” and ”I will,” are not words for a child to say.
My heart, my heart, how it died within me as I saw my duty! as I saw that it behoved me to give up all, and then wait in patience to see what the Lord would let me have. My heart died first, and then rose again to the struggle. But those only know what a struggle it is, who, have tried. It seems to me, most people, even Christians, do not try. Yet, to ”forsake all,” the test of disciples.h.i.+p, what is it but to cease saying ”I must” and ”I will,” about anything, and to hold everything thenceforth at the will of G.o.d. I spent that night on my knees, when I was not walking the floor. I spent it in tears and in pleading the promises; sometimes almost in despair. But I reached at last a place of great calm. I gave up insisting upon my own will; and though with every nerve of affection throbbing, as it were, I gave up the care of myself and of Thorold; I gave up the disposal of the lives of both. And when the calm was once reached, it grew deeper and quieter, and the throbbing nerves were stilled, and a great burden was taken off my shoulders. And then, the sense of a love better than mine, and of a power stronger than mine, stole over my heart with an infinite sweetness; the parched and thirsty places of my spirit seemed to catch the dews of heaven; and still soothed and quieted more and more, I went to sleep with my head upon the bed's side, where I was kneeling.
CHAPTER VII.
DETAILED FOR DUTY