Part 2 (1/2)
Sunday and May Day: Adistrict told me that the best-dressed people in Canada live there They haven't much to spend their o in for rich and colourful raiment of a kind never seen in the city Manufacturers prepare special lines of Babylonian parkas and Tyrian wind-breakers for the northland which are unknown in the cities of Ontario, whereand allow their wives to choose their ties for theers are great patrons of the beauty shops, and like to have their hair and beards arranged in crinkly marcels I was not surprised to hear this, for lorious creature; it is only when he puts on the shackles of civilization that he becoMay Day today, which I celebrated by organizing a dance round the May Pole for some children, after which I treated thear, which is scarce this season
Monday: Today at lunchtiirl's hat blow off into the street; she was a pretty girl (well -- fairly pretty -- not fat, anyhow), nicely dressed, and her distress was pitiable to see The hat was a s about in the dirt for a while, it came to rest under a parked car With the alertness of an old caner in the sex War, I at once took cover in a shop door, for I knew that that girl would iet her hat for her, and I had no mind to crawl on my ulcers in the street, under soh, she had her victi pathetically he fished out the hat, and his reas a sh in these daysBut at five o'clock I saw a young workman lose his cap in the street, and what happened? His coered and sharpened their fingers at hiht over his hat just as he was snatching for it This typical display of the inequalities under which le in the th to resist a young Jehovah's Witness who tried to sell azine on my way home
Tuesday: My cold is not better; it is worse, and I a problems for which there is no wholly satisfactory solution Shall I stay at hohts of loomy pleasures of s and flannel chest-warruel, syllabubs, and tansy tea -- that is the ideal state on a vile, rainy, soggy day like this But again, to snuffle at my work, to throw paper handkerchiefs into the waste basket in h pitifully and roll my rheumy eyes toward Heaven whenever anyone reproaches ain a ed snarler; he can be as abrupt as he likes with his colleagues, and they are forced to believe that it is his illness which speaks through his lips, and not his habitual sweet spirit Lying in bed, there is no one to snarl at, for if one snarls at one's nurse she may retaliate with a ood, and has nothing whatever to do with revengeI eventually decided in favour of work, and developed a cough which sounds like coal pouring down a chute
Wednesday: I watch the TV a good deal these days, for I ah occasionally I shed a tear for the ignorance of the announcers Today I heard Connecticut with the second ”c” sounded -- an inexcusable solecism, and yesterday I heard Count Bernadotte called ”Bernadotty” I am often told that TV announcers cannot be faultless; I know that, but I insist that they should speak like educated people, and not like e After all, they are paid to talk, and if they cannot speak well they are bad workmen, and deserve criticism like other bad workmen If man has conquered the air ht as well discount this civilization, and try a new one
Thursday: Word reached me today that I am shortly to possess a handsome kitten; I have been on the track of a kitten of just the right sort for quite a time Immediately turned my attention to suitable names Nicholas is a fine name for a cat, and so is Soloe, which convinces me that it must have been a rustic, bu door All sorts of famous men have been cat-lovers, but unfortunately they have not left a record of their cats' names They may not have had names I should like to call ypt, but ive”Bubastis, Bubastis” in a high, soft cat-attracting voice Cardinal Richelieu gave his white cat seven naht bea Cardinal) The ideal name eludes me, but I shall find it at last
Friday: To the bank today, and stood in a queue right behind aoff the National Debt in pennies; he and the clerk counted them all several tian to count them too, to combat my boredomWhen at last the Golden Boy moved away, and I confronted the wicket, I was inti lady behind it was several inches taller than I was, and looked down at ht I had not coh the bars By the ti pitifully before this GoddessBut when I went to another wicket to get my book, I saw the true state of affairs She was really a little girl, about the size I a on a box! It is this sort of misrepresentation on the part of banks which drives simple people to socialism In the socialist state everybody will have to keep his feet flat on the floor, his head in the clouds, his shoulder to the wheel, his back to the wall, his ear to the ground, and his nose to the grindstone And short girls will be made to stand under tables at the banquets of state officials, and retrieve the dropped napkins of the gorging Parteigenossen
Saturday: Kitten arrived today -- a tortoiseshell inclining toward tiger stripes; its er,” and itbetter It is a female, so Nicholas and Solomon must be abandoned Cats marked in this way reveal Chinese ancestry, so I aer has shown none of the much-advertised Chinese calm She has climbed the curtains, skated on the lid of the piano and displayed an utterly anti-Confucian passion for fish scraps, bits of chicken, custard, junket, bread-and-milk and similar flesh-pots A stickler for tradition, I wanted to butter her paws to accustom her to her new hoed in a lively discussion as to whether olive-oil was a perer out of a ball of paper and so, and watched her box; kittens and babies are always able to reduce us to the last extreht in a box containing an old sweater and a hotwater bottle, the latter being a substitute for her , when she finds her reeable shade of red
- XIX -
Sunday: Went cheerfully through the whole day without realizing that the usual haphazard tinkering with the clocks was in progress, and that I should have been enjoying the benefits of Daylight Saving Ti as there is so told that I a nothing of the kind I even object to the i valuable if I stay in bed after the sun has risen As an adht I resent the bossy insistence of those ant to reducescheer to push people into bed earlier, and get them up earlier, to make them healthy, wealthy and wise in spite of the woman of my acquaintance told rocer's she noticed that she was an object of deep interest to a dark, passionate young man behind the counter Wherever she went he followed her with a burning eye: his heavy breathing was audible at a considerable distance; when at last he caught her eye, he gave her a glance charged with 25,000 volts of tenderAs she is quite accustoot about hiroceries were delivered But then she found his name, address and telephone number, neatly written in black crayon on one of her bananas! The use of a banana as a billet doux would have interested the late Havelock Ellis I suggested that the next tin that his suit is hopeless
Tuesday: As I sat outside the e black dog appeared froan to lick ive other evidence of its esteeard At the best of times I have a low opinion of Man's Du h about to call the hotel detective and the bouncer, I gave the creature a couple of sharp kicks in the slats and urged it to go elsewhere But dogs love me just as inveterately as I hate them, and the creature took s of Charles Boyer This rattled ot up andup and down and wagging a tail like a wagon-tongue Drastic action was called for, and so, with a Judas shdrop which I had in th -- and that did the trick It gave me a look of reproach which would have done credit to Beautiful Joe, and rushed away howling When I last saw it, it was trying to get a drink out of an ornamental spittoon which was, however, filled with sand
Wednesday: Went to see an entertainht But it had sacrificed all the grace and carefully concealed art of Russian Ballet for a kind of athletic joyousness which was about as aym exhibition In the art of ballet, inspiration is most decidedly not ninety-five per cent perspiration
Thursday: If the purchase of costly, foolish little gadgets will do it, I should have a ht a hose-reel, a char up arden The fact of the matter is that since the purchase of my wheelbarrow, I have lost all sense of values, and aarden tool Although the sers pretend that h drink and women, the real truth of the matter is that more men are ruined by the purchase of expensive domestic junk than in any other way Drink imposes its own limit, and women soon become a weariness of the flesh, but the passion for saucy little garden gadgets, bedizened with green paint and ballbearings, is never stilled It gnaweth like a serpent and wasteth like a fever
Friday: In the ements done by Toronto interior decorators In one of them some Arureat japanese tradition of flower arrangee Mouth at the Imperial Greenhouses at Tokio, ere forbidden even to bend the stethen it ire I recall that one student (a pretty little creature called the Hon Miss Bursting Cocoon) was caught by the Hon Miss M M pressing the steht, and she was in danger of expulsion However, shejapanese poems It went like this: I pressed a steht falls on the jade roof of the Imperial Brewery, I aural use of ned for hose of the type which some people attach (for reasons unknown tofor it, and the pretty little barrel kept unwinding just at the reen paint caobs, and the little hook which was supposed to keep the whole thing in a beautiful, shi+pshape roll, ca What is more, when the machine is loaded with hose, the little wheels won't revolve Soarden appurtenances which belong strictly in the category of toys
- XX -
Sunday: Dirty weather today, cul in hail later this afternoon When I read about other people's hail-stor as big as pigeon's eggs, and soer than grains of tapioca, and round It was a disappointing performance Frankly, I think that there is a tendency deep in the huerate the size of hailstones To co sooo fro black s like coal tar on all my furniture, upholsteries, and even on my person I was noticeably swarthy when I went to bed
Monday: On the Late Movie tonight saw The Sign Of The Cross, with Charles Laughton having his feet tickled, Elissa Landi being eaten by lions, and Claudette Colbert bouncing up and down prettily in a bath of asses' milk It was one of those films in which Christianity and Romantic Love were inextricably confused; Christianity and Pure Love were equated withpreanisirl, and occasionally joining her in her asses' ly repulsive confusion of Christianity and Hollywood Mush that I have ever seen was in the early Ben Hur in which lovers were shown in the foreground of the scene of the Crucifixion, with the caption, ”He died, but Love goes on forever”
Tuesday: Heard about the engagement of two people known tointo my mind: ”What can they see in each other?” Pondered on this and decided that it was a stupid question After all, I suppose everybody is lovable to soht way Very often when I am introduced to wouise which she wears?” And very often I discover that she is pleasant enough, and probably would expand and glow if she received enough affectionThis habit of mind is not unlike that of the wicked villains of French novels, ere frequently described as ”stripping woer I used to do that, but as uesswork, and finally gave it up altogether Nowadays I never even take off a woman's overcoat with s and false teeth than in conjectural revelations of a beauty which rarely exists
Wednesday: My kitten Tiger isthe acquaintance of the whole world out-of-doors, and her arass, plants and flower beds is pretty to watch; give her a border full of iris, and she thinks that she is in a jungle, and prowls realistically Perhaps Godthe tigerThe kitten has a luxurious, Bohemian, unpuritanical nature It eats six meals a day, plays furiously with a toy mouse and a piece of rope, and suddenly falls into a deep sleep whenever the fit takes it It never feels the necessity to do anything to justify its existence; it does not want to be a Good Citizen; it has never heard of Service It knows that it is beautiful and delightful, and it considers that a sufficient contribution to the general good And in return for its beauty and charetables, a co The people who yelp so persistently for social security should take a lesson fro, and they will get it without asking
Thursday: Was not pleased thisto receive a circular from an insurance company, addressed ”To The Householder Or Roomer” It is not the i against boarding houses or boarders and have indeed filled the role of Roger the Lodger myself in many homes No; it is the word ”Rooe contains excellent and honourable words to meet all cases; a man who eats and sleeps in a house kept by somebody else is a boarder (unless he is an in-law, of course); a er If we accept the nasty word ”rooe, we must accept its beastly counterpart ”mealer” ”Do you room at Mrs Murphy's?” ”No, but I meal there”What is more, I hate letters addressed to ”The Householder Or Rooround with a miserable circular and a one-cent stamp Furthermore, I loathe and condemn all circulars printed in type which tries to look like the print of a typewriter; I regard thened with a rubber-staht a cent's worth of insurance fro in such nasty deceits, and I never will
Friday: Long letter today from a friend who loves cats, who calls ht, is Greek for cat-lover ”Glad you have a cat,” he says; ”I don't kno youwithout one Every writer needs a cat But you are wrong in saying that the nareat men are not on record The earliest known cat was Bouhaki, who belonged to King Hana of the 11th Egyptian dynasty; and you must have heard of Mahomet's cat Abuhareira What about Mark Twain's four cats, Apollinaris, Blatharskite, Souro's two -- Chanoine and Mouche? What about Carlyle's cat Columbine? What about Rossetti's cat Zoe? What about Matthew Arnold's cats Blacky and Atossa, and Horace Walpole's two cats Fatima and Selima, and Theophile Gautier's two, Seraphita and Zizi, and Swinburne's Atossa, and dickens's cat Williamina (first called William, by e, whom you mention, but also a kitten called Lilly I am surprised that you could write without a cat; no other writer of the least consequence has been without one”
Saturday: Have been thinking about what my correspondent said yesterday; maybe the trouble with modern literature is that toois a physical, not an intellectual coood idea in their syste-men, whereas others are died-in-the-wool Cat-men; I have known quite a few Bird-women, and once I met a Monkey-woman, as never happy unless accompanied by a small monkey which appeared to have had its trousers patched on the seat with bright green It's a strange world, and we are all e The other day I saw a little girl trying to walk on a hardwood floor without touching the cracks ”The cracks are poison,” she explained, ”and if you walk on theic; later in life we are still subject to this sway, but we invent ”scientific” theories, and ”philosophies” to make it intellectually respectable
- XXI -
Sunday: The first picnic of the season, soround dry enough to sit on without receiving the ie At last found a charully, if you insist) and spread the refreshments; after all, a picnic is essentially athe fact with attempts to appreciate the over-rated beauties of nature There are two kinds of picnic which I hope to enjoy before I die; the first is the kind exalted in so rass and play mandolins and drink wine, while the ladies remove their clothes and paddle in a nearby river (see Le Dejeuner Sur L'Herbe by Manet); the second is an English Victorian picnic, with plenty of fine silver, a wine-cooler, a footrub, and everybody dressed to the nines in sporting costume The modern picnic, with peanut butter sandwiches and coffee, is good in its way, but lacks breadth and richness
Monday: One of the candidates for the Pri cabin, and apparently has a movie of the event to prove it Why do socabin? To be born in a log cabin, during the past 60 or 70 years, merely indicates that one's parents were shi+ftless; all the best people, whose parents were up-to-date in their vieere born in hospitals A log cabin, with a dirt floor, histling through the chinks in the walls, rain falling, snow drifting, and wolves howling outside the door, is no place to usher a child into the world; it is likely to pick up all kinds of nasty ail born in a log cabin is a shameful circumstance, to be concealed from political opponents, who may insist that a child so born is likely to break out, even in e, with croup, or thrush, or diaper rash, or soht in the middle of a peace conference
Tuesday: Without either effort or invitation on un to colouris to Irish-contests to Welsh passion, bred in the bone and coursing through his blood It weighs upon him like atmospheric pressure, 16 pounds to the square inch There are Canadians who take no interest in politics, but they are chiefly drawn froe, eats with its hands, and cannot count above ten The true Canadian can be brought back frouiled froion or an argument about politics I have seen elderly ladies who looked like ork advertiseresses when politics has been enial opinion with their dollies, as election day draws near Indeed, as a babe I swung a mean Teddy Bear myself in defence of my party prejudices
Wednesday: Because I have let ht, to dry out y e a grate firewood, and by the time I have finished these jobs I a, attributed to Lincoln, that ”he who splits his oood, warms himself twice” Frankly I don't believe that Lincoln said any such thing; he split lots of wood hireat men die, preachers and schoolteachers, and others who are in constant need of support in their battle against hus of this kind and attribute them to the dead, who are unable to talk back Probably when I aone I shall be represented to posterity as a man who always ate all his spinach, advocated hard physical exercise, and never left undone what he could do today These will be gross untruths, of course, and no child who bases his life upon the like le their little pupils and prevent thereat
Thursday: A holiday, which I observed by getting back to the land That is to say, I cut rounds at Marchbanks Towers present an interesting exa; they do not look particularly extensive, but when you begin to pace out their dimensions, behind a decrepit laer, then they take on the proportions of Versailles
Friday: When I was in Toronto last week I was suddenly confronted by a girl selling tags for the support of the Humane Society I am a humane man, but humanity has limits; I am humane exactly twenty-five cents' worth But I had no silver, and like a craven I gave the girl a dollar and dared not ask for change Since then ht I dreairl a dollar, and in return she handed , but a printed card, which read: ”The whole Brute Creation hereby prouarantees that in future it will not leap upon you and shed its hair on your trousers; it will not lick your hands or face; it will not bury bones in your flower beds, nor use your lawns either as a privy or as an arena for noisy amour; it will not howl or miaoeen 10:30 parbage cans Yours for brotherly love, The Anie, and when I awoke and found that it was all a dream, I was downcast
Saturday: Painted some verandah furniture this afternoon, so that when summer comes I shall be ready to enjoy all four hours of it Decided on a rather delicate and refined design -- red and green on a white background -- and paid twenty cents for a special brush to accomplish this work; I have never been one to skiood as his tools, I have always maintained, and if I have to bloenty cents on a paintbrush, I do it without athe effect, it began to rain; this means that my paint will probably not dry for several days, and will be tacky for years Unwary visitors, sitting on my verandah furniture, will carry away ireen arabesques which I never intendedI already have a green screen door, painted at enormous expense by a professional housepainter, which leaves every visitor with a green thu a professional painter to do so
- XXII -
Sunday: Read an article in a Montreal paper about the proper way to be a New Canadian This was a tidbit; ”Kidding is hard to get used to, but you have to learn; it , to see if you can take itLater you may learn to kid back” I pondered this, and my advice to New Canadians is not to kid back; Old Canadians don't like to be kidded orand -room carpet are all that rehtingly of our folk-festivals, such as Mother's Day Kidding oris best done in your native land, with plenty of your coner takes it in the proper sporting spirit
Monday: To a political rally tonight, a form of entertainht Every country has its distinctive art forrapes; in Italy the battle of the flowers; in England the cricket- the bawbee; in Wales the Eisteddfod; and in Canada the political rally The sight of six or seven serious- on a platform on kitchen chairs throws us into an ecstasy; if their mild remarks are translated into hoarse roars by a public-address systely adjusted that the stuet near it, we are transported with delight If we ourselves are sitting on chairs which squeal and complain e move, we are happy; if a heckler is thrown out, we cheer; if the jah for our voices, we squeak like patriotic mice O huzza for the political rally! Wow! Bam!! Powie!!
Tuesday: Seriously disappointed inanear ht, and fetched Tiger, as sleeping elsewhere I put her down by the grating, but she immediately climbed up on a sofa and went back to sleep The er up that I frightened it away But Tiger was now disposed to play, so I exercised her with her personal punch-bag for twentya splendid display of jungle ferocity and agility I pointed it out to Tiger, who sat down and looked at it philosophically Sensing the situation the an to er watched, and I tore out my hair in double-handfuls At last, however, this unnatural cat decided to chase the mouse, and bumped her nose on a door just as the lands work properly?
Wednesday: Was talking today with a man who collects antiques, and he showedattached to the botto was to scare the liver and lights out of the drinker as he finished his pint I think poorly of this sort of hus, rude noise- was reputed to be about 150 years old, and I was surprised to find that such a cohteenth century My delving in history had led me to believe that no joke was admired in those days which did not result at least in a broken leg or the loss of an eye Merelymust have seemed very poor sport to our rude forefathers, and was probably left to the ladies
Thursday: To another political rally tonight; my thirst for politics is not to be slaked byof radio, the radio boys nearly broke up this rally by tapping theover the speakers, and hooting into the aress Thissuspected, which is that the average radio man doesn't knohat makes radio work, and when it won't work he is the eet -- Man at theon, so to make a speech, but nobody paid any attention to hi one of the radio boys would be electrocuted before their very eyes, and expire in agony with forked lightning co out of his boot-heels But the Leader arrived in the nick of time, and the radio decided to settle down and enjoy the funThe Leader perfor for 75 lasses and the full jug on the table before hishead of water in the course of a fifteenof the endurance of a ca, and speaks all day without further need for refreshment