Part 1 (1/2)
The Diary of Samuel Marchbanks
by Robertson Davies
Preface
This book made its appearance in 1947, and since then some of its contents have lost pertinency Therefore I have revised it, and a substantial portion of what appears in this book is new rievances, enthusiasms and acerbities of the diarist My Diary is not a work of fiction, but of history -- a record of the daily life of a Canadian during one of the early years of the Atoe All the people mentioned in it are real; all the incidents described are actual happenings Since 1947 I have met many people -- chiefly women -- who have disputed this assertion ”My life isn't a bit like that,” they cry, shaking their curls I never dispute this statement, which I believe to be true But my life is like that, and this is my book
SAMUEL MARCHBANKS
Peterborough, 1966
WINTER
- I -
Sunday & New Year's Day: Laus Deo was the pious ejaculation hich the diarists of old began their year's entries, and I can do no less Woke early this ue was as red and shi+ny as a piece of Christmas ribbon, and my breath was like a zephyr from a May rew such folly long ago Any bettered meditation, and slow metabolic and metaphysical reform -- a psychosomatic process, in other words My only resolve is to keep this Diary faithfully for a year, without cant and -- so far as in eration There have been too few Canadian diarists: however unfittingly, I have deterap
Monday: A holiday, because yesterday was Sunday Sat by my fireplace most of the day, with the drawers of athered aboutaway old letters and odds and ends, in one of h the wrench is painful I can throay old letters which were not interesting even when hot fros which I can never bring myself to part with I have old erasers, for instance, which have turned to stone and merely dirty and tear any paper upon which they are set to work, but they have associations for me which makes it impossible to throw thee, but I will not discard theot theet some use out of them There are pipe-cleaners which are not very dirty, and although I have not sain? There are the keys of a flat in which I once lived, and which I preserve out of sheer sentimentality There are old Christmas cards which are too pretty to put on the fire There are three cigarette holders which have becoed with ied (if I ever get a free hand with a coood as new There is a box which is empty, but which bears the na it in order that I ift, some day Therefore I cannot really reduce my drawers to order; I can only throay so But even a little tidying gives htly all day
Tuesday: Was talking to athe dullness of his life; he wanted adventure, and it never ca and resource which he is sure he possesses I am never much iet all the adventure that we are capable of digesting Personally, I have never had to fight a dozen pirates single-handed, and I have never ju express-train onto the back of a horse, and I have never been discovered in the hares They are too rich forfor them I have all the close shaves and narrow squeaks in les with bureaucrats, tax-gatherers and uplifters arethan any encounters with mere buccaneers on the Spanish Main
Wednesday: Faced the fact with dull sub, hard winter is before me A man told me that he had always despised me because I confessed that I had trouble with my furnace; he never had any with his But last week his ”iron fireman” broke down, and he had to stoke his own machine for a day or two, and he had a new appreciation of lad to hear it What can a sybarite, a plutocrat with an automatic stoker know of the wretched tribulations of the proletariat? While I sweat and slave inmy truss every time I heave a shovelful of coal, he lolls at ease in his ar hulad that he has been huht loill have syo oppressesA arreat solace frouishable frohed inwardly, for the thing is nothinga corset But thein frankness A century ago every military tailor also ht present a triht breeches I have even heard ton beat Napoleon at Waterloo was that the English officers had stronger corsets than the French, and thus were able to sit longer in the saddle If this is so, the battle of Waterloo was not won on the playing fields of Eton, but in the rubber plantations of Malaya, the whalebone mines of the Arctic, and the canvas deposits of Liverpool If Napoleon had had a first-rate corset, what ht the fate of Europe have been? A solemn reflection
Friday: Mentioned Dr Zeno's Miracle Luht was an undertone, but I was overheard by his frivolous wife, who insisted upon telling me about the newest development in female corsetry It appears that this is a brassiere with rubber chambers in it which may be inflated to whatever size the wearer thinks appropriate and credible, in the light of everything else This is obviously a develop carnivals, who appear with large balloons concealed in their upper reaches, which they pierce with pins at the appropriate moments What, I wonder, will the new inflatable brassiere look like if naughty felloith pins test thehty fellowssuch aids to beauty? Iot rid of this light-o Bodices had been destroyed That is so women can never understand; men have curious fields of delicacy in their conversation which should not be invaded by the coarse gibes of the other sex
Saturday and Old Christht, and the official end of the Christmas celebrations, so I took down all the decorations and cards, and dutifully stuffed myself with mince pies and cheesecakes There is a belief that one will have a happyto round out an entire year of bliss I usually stick at June and have never passed August Someday I must bake a particularly small batch of mince pies for this special purpose, so that I shall not need to short-circuit astrium in pursuit of a fine old custoued by the Lubber Fiend -- a goblin souely identified by folk-lore specialists I know several people who ht accurately be described as Lubber Fiends
- II -
Sunday: An aht that I am unduly critical, and should try to develop more benevolence towardbenevolently on everyone I reeted with scowls and rebuffs by most of them The plain fact is that reat show of cheerfulness If ain the street he would probably end up in jail; if he sang at his work the efficiency expert would ask him to come to his office for a frank talk The way to iluive you a raise The sahs is lost
Monday: Was chatting with afrohtht dread and shortness of breath, accompanied by pressure on the chest, until it seeht or be s bolt upright, screa blue murder If you don't you are probably found in your bed in the htmares once or twice in my life, and many people never have them at all Bad dreams, however, are common with me, and I rather welcoish slunificance to my bad dreams, but I did not play quite fair with him, for I withheld froo to bed without having a bite to eat, and ives htly snack ates of oblins out for a frolic, but frankly I don't care Better a bad dream than no dream at all
Tuesday: A child asked me to mend her doll today; it has broken up into a trunk, a head and four liave her the usual speech about , and then set to work It was a gruesome experience, reminiscent of the scene in Mrs Shelley's roether his ood luck than good e string, and tightened these by winding one leg around for twenty-three revolutions Now the doll is better than new, for it kicks, twists and squir heard Carmen on the radio, and reflected how hard it was to va at the top of one's voice That is the operatic proble to appear secretive, or seductive, or consuenious coroup of people ere condemned by a cruel God to scream all the time; it would be an instantaneous success, and a triuet the remainder of my winter's coal in tomorrow, I had to shovel my drive today; it has not been touched since the first snowfall, and this was no task for a child; it was no task for a hypochondriacal diarist, either, but I tackled it with the valour of ignorance In tenwind After twentyby a coroner that shovelling heavy snoas a good way to bring on a stroke After half an hour I had what I aht stroke, and went inside for a dose of a special stroke-ood, and after that I took stroke-ularly As a result I finished nificently and did not have even a touch of stiffness from the unusual exercise I know plenty of people ould have been as stiff as frozen mackerel if they had done what I did, the way I did it
Thursday: My coal caing and thu in the house, and when I looked in a mirror inadvertently, I was startled to see that I had been metamorphosed into a blackamoorThen I went down into the cellar, and addressed my furnace in these words: ”O Furnace (I always model my speeches to my furnace on Cicero's orations)O Furnace, three winter one by and the Yuletide and New Year seasons having been completed I, Marcus Tullius Marchbanks, have purchased all the coal, wood, coke, charcoal and kindred combustibles that I intend (to purchase, understood) Look to it, Furnace, for I shall feed you justly, but not wastefully, and if it should so hap that when all these good things are gone the Gods still send us inclement weather, I shall cram your maith broken chairs and cardboard boxes, but not another morsel of coal will I buy Witness, O ye Gods of the household, and you, O Furnace, that M Tullius Marchbanks will throw himself upon his poker and perish before he will spend another denarius on coal”The furnace was impressed and roared politely, but there was a faint conteas when I went to bed
Friday: Read too long and tooin a severe attack of the Miseries Reading is a for Some men smoke heavily and some drink heavily; I read heavily, and soovers Tobacco manufacturers, I understand, hire men to make continual tests of their product, and these poor wretches get shaky hands and tobacco hearts, and when they take a bath nicotine comes out of their skins into the water It is the same hisky-testers Well, I am a book-tester and I have an occupational disease, which is called the MiseriesTo ot hiccups, and was convulsed three times a minute for almost an hour Hiccups are very funny to everyone but the ether is to drain a bitter cup Bup!
Saturday: This afternoon climbed out on the roof of arden; it had piled up to the point where I could hardly get h I am no fanatic for fresh air it is convenient to be able to hurl slops into the road, or lean out and shout ”Who's there?” at late callers I beco on a soapbox; the roof of a verandah is as high as the Eiffel Tower towith the ut to the ithmy balance Knocked down several icicles and was interested to find how sharp they were If ever I decide to murder somebody, I shall stab hierprints and all traces of the weapon The o to his funeral in that state of profound satisfaction which we all feel e have done soht
- III -
Sunday: Pursuingsystereat deal never gets any heat I took the face off the hot air register, lay on e e tallies, sawdust and other rubbish, which some former occupant had used to block off that roo a fire, and I determined to search further, so I inserted as ister, and salvaged 32 used razor blades, a large piece of stick, and a thiood condition I was now aroused; it was a forbear of mine, Gaston l'Immerdue Marchbanks, who ated a cold-air pipe near the telephone, and recovered a great gross of pencil stubs Next spring Isyste addiction is horrible, addiction to drink is pitiable, but to be a slave of the salted-nut habit is to be lost indeed Years ago I realized my weakness in this respect, and vowed never to set tooth to salted nut again as long as I lived But tonight I visited the home of my friend X (a prominent prohibitionist, by the way) and turned as white as a blanched almond when I saw the nut-dish at his elbow It was obvious fro the cashews pretty hard, and as we talked he ate bowl after bowl of the insidious dainties His wife (in rags, and barefoot, for their home and fortune had been ruined by his vice) patiently filled the bohenever it was empty Once, however, when she attempted to take a fat filbert from his hand, he struck her brutally across the overnment to take over the salted nut industry -- vile traffic! -- not for profit, but for control
Tuesday: There are days when nothing seems to happen to me at all; I passed today in a coestion of a scientist that ht the next war, in order that youngwhich I have suspected for a long time, namely that scientists are simpletons who happen to have a knack with test-tubes, but possess no real intelligence at all The logical thing to do, when the next war coe or sex who are unable to pass certain basic intelligence tests This would be a good way of getting rid of a lot of the stupid people who cue of scientists, Civil Servants, uplifters and minor prophets in an armed force collected in such a way But if every country adopted this est population of boobs, yahoos and ninnies would win, and I am not entirely convinced that we have overall superiority in this respect, though we seem bound in that direction
Wednesday: Reflected today on the sinful luxury which is sapping the ht himself an ”electronic janitor”, a costly device which, I understand, keeps his house at an even terees without any effort on his part whatever I don't know quite hoorks, but it has so to do with molecules and the quantu his ashes with common household substances (salt and pepper, I think he said, and a dash of vinegar) and burning theain; in this way he never has any ashes to carry out, because last week's ash is this week's fuelThe hardy pioneer virtues which rouches) seeet up before dawn -- which on these winter ivewithtoday, so rose early and discovered that it was very cold; would gladly have stayed at hoed the fire, but duty called, and I obeyed Made the first stage of hly chilled; as the conversation for several hosts, I cannot blaed my lunch from some people I knoho keep a very waro at once to a , the chairman of which was either a disciple of Bernarr McFadden or a wearer of long underwear, for he insisted on opening theand letting s Iunderwear of ain by train;into the coach, letting the Arctic in with the up to shut the door, but it was not enough to keep e of my journey by bus, which really ell heated Listened to a girl va a sailor in the seat behind She had hair of a rusty mouse-colour, but she referred to herself as a ”red-head” and hinted broadly that she was a specialist in the arts of love I doubted if this were true, but I ad to find that I had a chill, the result of yesterday's junketing Managed to do so, but by noon it had settled in the small of my back, and I was doubled up like a jack-knife There is only one place in which this position can be maintained without severe pain, and that is bed, so to bed I went and passed severalI were not a prey to soailments I have the less desirable characteristics of a nuht of Dr Johnson, the breathing apparatus of Daniel Webster, the luia of De Quincey and the deafness of Herbert Spencer -- but none of their genius I ay, and I would sell myself to any university medical school which would make a decent bid But they all refuse to do so, because they think that I will leave my cadaver to them, free, after my demise But I shall cheat them: I shall be buried with all et ht ile downstairs and roast my back in front of an open fireSoot the impression that I disliked children Not at all: I love the little dears But I have no patience with ill- little yahoos and it is my misfortune, from ti wild in the streets; can anyone blame me if I drive them aith curses and blows? But I love to see children playing happily and quietly, while I watch from behind barbed wire, about 300 feet awayAh, the sweet innocence of childhood! What a delightful thing it is in the young; what a pain in the neck it is in those who are assuly declares himself to be a Child-Lover, but that is no reason to expect hi baboons upon his knee, and he flatly refuses to do so
- IV -
Sunday: Was out for a walk this afternoon, and was joined by a dog; it was unknown to me, and was obviously ofWhat there was about me which struck its fancy, I cannot say, but it roloves and hinderedtrick was to run just ahead of me, with its head turned back so that it could stare rudely into my face; naturally it fell down a lot because it did not look where it was going, and every ti to keep fros, just as I like children I like to think about theiven s in the flesh When Isocially, with its owner, I am prepared to pat it once, and to allow it to smell me once, and then, so far as I ao beyond this liet it
Monday: Why is ious themes called ”sacred ht to be immune from the criticism which affects other music? Much of it is the most arrant tripe, but nobody ever says so I once heard of a clergyrow tired of this perpetual serenading”; I quite agree, particularly if God has a sensitive ear and a fine taste in lyric and panegyric verseThis evening picked up an old volume of Hannah More's Sacred Dramas and took a quick look at David and Goliath All the s's in the book were the 18th century kind which look like f's, and the opening spasf! Pow'r divine!
Breathe on thif erring heart ofyouth, And teach me thif i bit about the hu fecure interested me, for it is the earliest reference to focial fecurity for the Common Man that I have feen And fertainly Goliath, af rather an Uncohtful fock in the jawThe Sacred Dramas are more sacred than dramatic, just as sacred music is so oftenso overwhel about Biblical themes that artists -- musicians, painters and dramatists -- who essay them are thrown into paroxysms of ineptitude
Tuesday: Prepared for a relaxed evening, and was sitting happily in ) when some friends dropped in, but as they were pyjama friends, so to speak, this only added toreference to ed them to wonder just what sort of truss I wear As a matter of fact, that reference was o I read an advertisement which said ”Throay Your Truss,” and I did so; to be precise, I sent it to the Grenfell Mission, for the relief of some ruptured Eskimo A week or two later I saw an ad which said ”Throay Your Surgical Boot,” so I did that, too, and got a wooden leg instead It was only a few days until I saw another ad saying ”Reshape Ugly Noses While You Sleep,” which I did, changing ant Grecianaid (”fits in the ear but cannot be seen”) and gave my ear trumpet to a Boy Scout, who complained that he thrust it into his ear until it hurt, but was unable to produce the faintest toot Nohen I go to bed, I pile all this salvage on the floor, with s it takes a female spot-welder half an hour to asse by a statement in the paper that ”76 per cent of adults have bad breath” I amatic observations How are these conclusions reached? Do investigators sca? For many years I have maintained that the breath is an ereeable breaths are in poor spiritual health Plenty of people with bad teeth and a dozen diseases have sweet breaths, because they are at peace with God and man Conversely I have ooders and physical culture addicts whose breaths were a shocking revelation of their spiritual corruption and malnutrition An unhealthy breath rises froizzard For years I have fought shy of any business dealings with bad-breathed people, for experience has shown me that they are undependable, if not positive crooks But I will trust anyof aspect, if his breath whispers to me of April and May