Part 17 (1/2)
”I see.”
”I wanted to tell you, but you were off somewhere avoiding me.” I smiled to let him know I wasn't mad.
”I wasn't avoiding you,” he insisted. ”I just needed some s.p.a.ce to get you out of me.”
”Get me out of you?” I repeated.
”Like a detox,” he explained. ”Or I guess a de-Rox.”
I laughed and looked up from the peppers on my cutting board. ”That's funny. But you don't need to de-Rox just because I'm moving. It won't be like last time. We'll still be friends, and you can visit whenever you want.”
”It was more the idea of you I needed to get out of my head,” he said honestly. ”Ever since you came back, I've been thinking we might get a second chance. I thought once everything was done with your divorce, it would finally be the right time for us. Now I know it's not happening. So I took a few days off, got rid of the idea and I'm ready to help you pack. What is this steak soaking in? It smells good enough to eat right out of the bowl.”
My stomach turned at the thought of eating raw meat and possibly e-coli. Or maybe it was him telling me he'd help me pack that made me feel sick. ”What do you mean you're ready to help me pack?” I was officially in defensive mode. ”You're in a hurry to get me out of here? It's going to be a few weeks. Maybe more.”
He shrugged again and looked nonchalant. ”I'm not in a hurry. I'm just over it. Stay as long as you want. All I'm saying is when you're ready to go as your friend I'll help you.”
Maybe he wasn't trying to start a fight. Maybe I was being too sensitive. But he was p.i.s.sing me off. I set my knife down on the cutting board with enough force to make my peppers jump a little.
He sat up straighter and stopped threading. ”Something wrong, friend?” he asked.
”Stop calling me that!” I ordered. ”And I'm glad you're over it because there was never going to be a right time for us anyway!”
”Dude,” he said calmly. ”Chill the f.u.c.k out. I'm working with what I have here. Do you want me to be friendly, or would you rather I stay upstairs and cry into my pillow?”
I scowled and fought the urge to pick up the knife again because an angry woman should never hold a knife. ”No, Jake. I want you to be friendly, not sarcastic. And I don't believe for a second you would cry over me because you'll move on to the next girl like you always do. There's always going to be a next girl, and that's exactly why there's NEVER going to be AN US!”
I looked up toward the ceiling and took a deep breath. I hadn't meant to raise my voice and get all out of control. Now I was embarra.s.sed and wished I could take it back because I revealed way too much in that dramatic outburst.
Jake looked stunned for a second. He dropped the piece of steak and wooden skewer he'd been holding.
”What do you mean, baby?” His face looked wounded and his voice sounded just as hurt.
He called me baby. I could tell he hadn't meant to. It was a slip, but it sounded like he was my boyfriend or something. I really liked it. If I could close my eyes and pretend for a few moments there was an us that Jake only wanted me and I would never have to worry about a pretty Shot Girl catching his eye and pulling him away in those few moments I would be happier than I'd ever been. But it was a fantasy world, not the one we lived in.
I bit my lip to distract me because I could feel tears starting to form behind my eyes.
I shook my head and went back to cutting the peppers before I changed my mind and grabbed the onion instead. I could use the onion as an excuse if the floodgates cracked.
”Nothing,” I said quietly. ”I can finish this if you have something to do.”
”What are you talking about? Why did you say that?” He wasn't going to let it go.
I rolled my eyes at his playing-dumb game. Good, get mad again, I told myself. Mad is a better weapon than sad. ”I'm not blind, Jake. I watched you move from fling to fling all through high school, all through college, and I know you were the same after I moved. You don't do relations.h.i.+ps. When it comes to anything serious, you're a dead-end road. Forgive me if I'm not willing to change my entire life to be your flavor of the month so you can toss me aside as soon as someone dumber and blonder comes along.”
He was quiet for what seemed like a really long time as he stared into the bowl of steak. ”Is that really what you think?” he asked quietly. ”Or are you using that as an excuse to push me away?”
”I don't think it. I know it.”
”You know for sure what I'm going to do in the future? How is that possible?”
”What is it they say?” I asked him. ”A leopard doesn't change its spots, right? Look, I don't blame you for the way you are. I think it's probably because of your parents that you have a fear of intimacy but ”
”A fear of intimacy?” he asked loudly. ”Are you f.u.c.king kidding me right now, Roxie? Did you seriously just accuse me of being the one in this room with a fear of intimacy?” He threw his head back in angry laughter. ”Oh, G.o.d. That's rich.”
He pushed off the island and turned to leave the room.
I set the knife down again, wiped my hand on my ap.r.o.n and went after him. ”I'm over it, too!” I yelled. ”We can't even be in the same room for five minutes before we're taking off our clothes or arguing. Or both at the same time. That isn't normal. It's f.u.c.ked up!”
He turned around so fast I b.u.mped into him, and we collided in the hallway. But I didn't stop yelling.
”This isn't an Eminem video!” I continued. ”Maybe you like the drama, but I'm done with it! And you better believe I'll be out of this house as soon as I can! And I WON'T need help packing, but thanks anyway!”
He put his face so close to mine our noses almost touched. ”Good,” he said. He touched the corner of my bottom lip and traced it with his finger. Then he traced the top lip. When he was done, he raised his eyes to meet mine.
The intensity in his eyes made me hope he would kiss me. What the h.e.l.l is wrong with me? How can I be turned on right now?
”Good,” he said again. ”Then you can marry another guy you don't love because you're afraid of being hurt, and you can live the rest of your life in mediocrity.”
That was enough to clear away my desire. I pushed him out of my way and ran up the stairs to my bedroom. I hate him.
A little while later I heard the patio door below my bedroom window open and close. I peeked out and saw Jake in the backyard turning on the gas grill. The SOB was going to cook my kabobs without me! UGH, whatever! I wasn't hungry anymore anyway.
I changed into my pajamas, climbed into bed and crawled under my down comforter where I was safe from Jake and his insults.
I was just starting to drift off to sleep when I heard music from out back. ”In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel.
I heard my phone beep. I figured it was Jake, and I wanted to ignore it, but curiosity got the best of me, and I looked at the text.
JAKE: Look out your window.
I got out of bed and did as he said, expecting to see him standing out there with a boom box held up over his head like the popular scene from Say Anything.
I was close. There wasn't a boom box, but he was holding the speaker from his phone out to me as an olive branch.
It took everything I had in me to keep a straight face. If I laughed, he would think I'd forgiven him, and that was far from true.
When he saw me looking, he put the speaker down and started texting My phone beeped again.
JAKE: Have dinner with me?
I didn't want to have anything with him, but I couldn't let someone else eat the meat I'd been marinating for an entire day.
I closed the curtains, put on a zip-up hoodie and left my room. I stopped in the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My hair was a mess and my mascara was smeared from crying; I didn't even have a bra on. I went downstairs anyway. Why? Because f.u.c.k him, that's why!
He was standing at the grill, placing the kabobs onto a plate, when I stepped outside. The patio table was set up very nicely. There was a candle in the center, a gla.s.s of wine for me and a bottle of beer for him. The volume on the speaker was turned down, but still played eighties music. It was all a sweet gesture. But he was still a jerk.
He looked up from the grill and waved his hand at the plate of kabobs and said, ”I cooked.”
”Thanks,” I said, my voice as flat as could be. There was no emotion left in me. I was tired of the emotions tired of this whole screwed up relations.h.i.+p. I thought I could move back to New York, and we could still be friends, but I knew now I'd thought wrong. Jake and I couldn't be friends. Not in any city.