Part 15 (2/2)

”I think friends bring over cookie dough, funny movies and tequila when their friends are sad. I don't think most friends use s.e.x as a distraction.”

He smiled. ”Hey, I don't mind. I'll gladly distract you any time. If you're worried about the meeting tomorrow, I can distract you right now.”

I smiled and shook my head. ”I'm being serious. After what you said last night, about how my family were the only people you had ”

”Hey,” he interrupted. ”Don't even think about that. I said what I had to say. I asked what I needed to ask. It's over now. Don't over-think it. Don't think about it at all. It doesn't matter anymore.”

I sat up next to him on the bed. I needed to be close to him. I needed him to know how much he meant to me. I had the sudden urge to tell him I loved him. I'd been saying ”I love you” to Jake since I was a kid. But something felt different now. I couldn't get the words out. I felt like they were suddenly going to mean too much. My chest tightened up like someone was sitting on top of me, and I felt like I was going to suffocate.

Our faces were only inches apart. He looked at me like he was waiting for me to say something. And he had a reason to think that because I did have something I wanted to say, but I couldn't get the words out.

Don't tell my girlfriend about this.

It was that image again. The one I'd had that afternoon in Mount Pleasant twelve years ago. I couldn't do it. I couldn't let that happen. I could say ”I love you” to Jake right now and mean it with every piece of me. He could say it back, and maybe he would even mean it, too. We could make love on the fluffy Plaza bed and have a romantic night together in the city. We could go home tomorrow and have a blast finding secret places to rendezvous at the house whenever Adam was home. We could sneak kisses in when no one was looking and do a little bit more than skinny-dipping in our neighbors' yards in the middle of the night.

Fall would come and we could rake the leaves into piles and jump around in them and go to the apple orchard for cider and carve pumpkins together to put on the porch.

During the holidays, we could hang mistletoe in the archway between the living room and dining room and then hang out underneath it so we would have an excuse to kiss. We could hide secret presents around the house for each other to find.

I had no doubt we could have a few wonderful seasons together. But I also had no doubt it would one day end. I know people say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. But I have loved and lost three times now! And I disagreed with that proverb wholeheartedly ... I mean broken-heartedly.

I stood up and walked over to the sink. I took a few deep breaths and blew them out to try to calm myself down. I'm in love with Jake, I suddenly realized. My safety guy isn't safe anymore.

Don't panic, I told myself. Nothing has to change. We can still be friends. The ”benefits” couldn't happen anymore, but everything else could stay the same. I just needed a distraction again. I needed to be distracted from my distraction.

”You wanna go shopping?” I asked.

He was still sitting on the bed where I'd abruptly left him. He looked confused. ”Not really.”

”You don't have to. You have a GPS on your phone so you can do something on your own and we can meet up later if you want.”

He stood up and walked over to the sink. He stood behind me and looked at my face in the mirror. ”Why do I feel like you're trying to get rid of me?”

I gave him my best fake smile in the mirror. ”I'm not trying to get rid of you. But I want to make sure you get to do the things you want to do while you're here, and I know Chanel and Marc Jacobs probably aren't on your list.”

They shouldn't be on my list either. Michigan Roxie doesn't spend three months of rent money on one handbag.

And come on, Roxie. Could you maybe try to act normal? I wouldn't normally tell my friend to basically screw off and do his own thing in a place he's never been. Just because I was in love with him didn't mean I needed to be mean! This isn't kindergarten. What the h.e.l.l is wrong with me?

I turned around. That was probably a mistake because now I was facing him head on. His face was about two inches from mine, and he was looking down at me. His eyes were focused on me intently, like he was searching for an answer to my sudden change of behavior. I looked down because the eye contact was too intense for me, and what was below the eyes? His lips. Ugh, not good.

I turned around again and kept busy by applying some mascara. ”I'm sorry, Jake. I don't need to go shopping. You're the tourist here. Is there something you want to do?”

My phone beeped in my purse. I was thankful for the interruption. He backed away from me, and I went back over to the bed and reached into my purse to grab the phone. It was a text from Hope.

HOPE: Dinner tonight?

”It's Hope,” I told Jake. ”She wants to know if we want to have dinner later, but we don't have to if you don't want to.”

”Dinner is fine, but we need lunch first. And please don't say another hot dog.”

I laughed and texted her back.

ME: How bout lunch first? PB & Co?

HOPE: Super.

I threw the phone back into my purse. ”Let's have lunch,” I told Jake.

We took a cab to Peanut b.u.t.ter & Co by NYU. Jake loved it, as I knew he would. He had the peanut b.u.t.ter, banana, honey and bacon sandwich, and we all shared the eight different varieties of peanut b.u.t.ter in the sampler platter.

After lunch, he let us show him around The Village, Soho and Tribeca. I managed to keep my cravings for shopping at bay, but when we walked past the Marc Jacobs store, I couldn't help but open the door so I could smell it. I know. I'm lucky I didn't get arrested.

We took a ride on the Staten Island Ferry so Jake could get some pictures of the skyline and the Statue of Liberty. Then it was time for some c.o.c.ktails and tapas for dinner.

It was nice having Hope around the whole time because I was a little apprehensive about being alone with Jake. I could tell by the little glances I kept getting from him throughout the night that he was suspicious of me. He could tell something was different. I was hoping to avoid that conversation until I got my feelings into check.

At one point, when Jake had gone to the bathroom, Hope said to me, ”I would've told you to fall in love this summer, but I thought that was too ambitious.”

”No way,” I said. ”I haven't even had a chance to fall in like. I've been too busy moping around to meet guys.”

She smiled and shook her head. ”Really, Roxie? You didn't let me finish. I was going to say I didn't think you could fall in love so soon, but I underestimated you.”

”Oh, you mean Jake?” I flipped my hand and blew my bangs out of my eyes. ”That's just a childhood crush. I have love for him, but it's not something that could work out in the grown-up world.”

”Why not?”

I shrugged. ”I don't know. Too much history. Too much family involvement. He being a Casanova. Me being a flake who never knows what I want. Lots of reasons.”

”I'm adding an amendment to the Good Life List,” she informed me. ”It's called Take a f.u.c.king Chance!”

”I took a chance on Caleb, and where did that get me?” I asked.

”It got you a lot more than you realize,” she said seriously. ”It got you to New York. It got you to me. You lived in an apartment I would give my arm for. Like, I would seriously let you cut off my arm with a dull steak knife to live there. And Caleb used to be an okay guy, too. You had some good years together. It wasn't a total waste. It just didn't work out. He changed. You changed. Things happen. But you can't use that as an excuse to give up something that could be great. Don't let him get away again!”

I was glad Jake came back to the table then, and I didn't have the opportunity to argue with her. My feelings for Jake were too personal for me to discuss. With anyone. That was why, when we got back to the hotel, I feigned exhaustion and went straight to bed.

I let the hotel know we needed a late checkout since my meeting wasn't until ten, and I wasn't sure how long it would last. I didn't want poor Jake to have to sit on top of our bags in the lobby.

The meeting was over before noon and as soon as I got outside I checked my phone and saw I had a text from Jake.

JAKE: Going to see Times Square. Meet me for lunch when you're done.

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