Part 16 (1/2)

”I have a band now,” she said. ”We play in Columbia all the time. People say we're really good.” She wished she'd brought them along for moral support. She tried to summon them now-Ca.s.sie, the golden one; Harumi, with her quiet strength; Esther, so full of goodness.

Sarah looked up then. ”You look like you've lost some weight. Are you eating all right?”

”Yeah, Ma. And working hard. With my band.”

”Huh. Your daddy was in a band once. He never made any money at it, though. Never got famous.”

”I know. I lived with him for a while.”

”Guess I knew that.”

At last, Sarah opened the door wider and stepped back. It seemed that she'd figured out that Trudy wasn't about to torch the place.

”Well, let's see what this sounds like,” she said, brandis.h.i.+ng the tape.

The living room looked the same as she remembered-thick beige carpet, stained in some places from coffee spills, a maroon vinyl sofa, a gla.s.s-topped coffee table stacked high with magazines. An artificial Christmas tree hung with candy canes took up one corner. It was so utterly middle American that Trudy could hardly believe they'd ever lived in a teepee.

Just then, Ken toddled into the room. When he saw Trudy, he went for cover behind Sarah. He didn't remember her at all. Trudy guessed that her name never came up in conversation and that they didn't keep pictures of her around.

Her other half-brother and sister and Joey, her brother, were nowhere in sight. They were probably with their fathers for the holidays, as usual.

She plopped down on the sofa while Sarah tried to disentangle herself from the curly-haired boy attached to her legs.

”What's this?” she asked, nodding in the direction of the tape player. ”Sounds like 'Baby Love.'”

Trudy's voice blasted out of the speaker, fast and frantic. You could hear her gulping for breath between phrases.

”Yeah, it is,” she said. ”We do a lot of Supremes covers.”

Sarah shook her head. ”You ruined my favorite song.” But she was smiling. Amused. ”You want something to drink? Beer? Iced tea?”

”Tea is okay.”

Sarah kept talking as she went into the adjacent kitchen, Ken still tugging on her leg. ”Ken, why don't you go say 'hey' to your sister?” And then, ”So you're keeping out of trouble, huh? That's good. I heard Grandma and Grandpa were sending you some money and you know that if they hear anything bad, they'll cut you off. Like they did me.”

”I know that.”

Sarah came back with a tray of drinks and pretzels in a bowl. ”You'd better eat a little. You look skinny.”

They sat there, side by side, for a few minutes, listening to the tape.

”I guess now is as good a time as any to tell you that we'll be moving soon,” Sarah said at last.

It figures, Trudy thought. She probably would have skipped town without saying a word if Trudy hadn't dropped in. Trudy stared at the ice in her drink.

”We're going to California,” Sarah continued. ”End of next month.”

Well, California might be a cool place to visit someday. Trudy had always wanted to go to Hollywood. If things kept going well, maybe the Divas could go on tour out West.

”Good luck,” she said, forcing herself to meet her mother's eyes.

Sarah reached out then as if she was going to touch Trudy's cheek or smooth down a strand of hair, but midway her hand dropped to the sofa. ”I'm sorry,” she said. ”I know I haven't been the kind of mother you wanted.”

Trudy shrugged. ”I guess you did your best.”

As soon as she finished her tea, she stood up. ”I've got a bus to catch. See you later.” She was walking out the door before Sarah had a chance to stop her. Or not. Her heart was banging like Esther's drums.

She was halfway down the driveway when she heard Sarah call out, ”Thanks for the tape!”

”Hey, no problem,” she shouted back. ”Send me a postcard when you get where you're going.”

34.

On New Year's Eve, all of the Divas had been invited over to Ca.s.sie's house to watch d.i.c.k Clark. Her dad and step-mom were still off on their cruise. They wouldn't be back for another five days.

Ca.s.sie had invited Rebecca, too, but she had plans to go to some artist's party where there'd be a cash bar and a live band. Esther was relieved. She was also a little nervous. She hadn't seen Ca.s.sie since Christmas, although they'd talked on the phone a few times. Whenever she thought about that night, she felt uneasy. She remembered how her skin had tingled, how she had felt herself open to Ca.s.sie's fingers, but she also remembered how lonely she'd felt. When she'd looked up at Ca.s.sie, she'd seemed to be studying Esther like a science experiment. There had been no tenderness in those eyes. And then, when Esther had touched her back, she'd started moaning and wailing so loudly that her mother had come and tapped on the door to see if everything was all right. Mortified, Esther had tried to draw away, but Ca.s.sie had clamped her wrist between her thighs. It was almost as if she'd wanted Esther's mother to walk in.

Something had changed in Esther after that night. Instead of being in awe of Ca.s.sie, she now felt wary. And while the things they'd done together had made her feel good, she also felt violated, somehow. That wasn't love.

Esther changed from the sweat suit she'd been wearing all day into a pair of jeans and a pink mohair sweater she'd gotten for Christmas. She went into the kitchen, grabbed a couple of packets of microwave popcorn and her keys.

”Mom, I'm going now,” she called out.

Her mother appeared in the doorway. ”Esther, honey,” she said, reaching over to pull a strand of hair out of her daughter's eyes, ”I know there might be some drinking, and, well, if you need someone to drive you home, give us a call.”

”Yes, Mom.” She leaned forward and kissed her mother on the cheek.

Esther had never been to Ca.s.sie's house before, though she knew of the neighborhood. She'd jotted down directions on the back of an envelope as Ca.s.sie dictated them over the phone. Now she held the sc.r.a.p of paper against the steering wheel as she drove. Left on Elm Street, right at the stop sign, four houses down. She found the big brick house without too much trouble. The sconces on the front porch were lit and a couple of cars were in the driveway. She recognized the Beetle as Ca.s.sie's.

She parked her car at the edge of the lawn so that she wouldn't get blocked in. She wanted to be able to leave whenever she felt like it. Then she trudged up the yard to the front door.

Ca.s.sie appeared almost as soon as she'd rung the bell. Her hair looked kind of stringy, and there were dark circles under her eyes. Esther wondered if she'd been sick. ”Come in!” She reached for Esther's arm and pulled her inside. Trudy and Harumi were sitting on the floor, flipping through Ca.s.sie's record collection. Adam was there, too. Before, she would have been annoyed to find him there. He wasn't a Diva, after all, but tonight she felt relieved. If Adam and Ca.s.sie were together, Ca.s.sie wouldn't expect anything from her.

Esther took a look around. The room was tastefully furnished, with lots of cream jacquard. On the wall, there was an oil portrait of Johnette, Ca.s.sie's stepmother. Framed photos of Ca.s.sie and her father and stepmother were gathered on a shelf, but there was no sign of her real mother.

”Oops,” Trudy said, knocking over a long-necked bottle. Everyone watched for a moment as the beer soaked into the plush, beige carpet.

”f.u.c.k,” Ca.s.sie said, after a few beats. She didn't seem mad, though. She picked up the bottle and disappeared for a moment. She came back with a roll of paper towels to sop up the mess.

Now the whole room seemed to stink of beer. There was also the fug of cigarette smoke and something else-that smell that sometimes lifted off Esther's brother's sheets when she did the laundry. It was Adam's smell, Esther realized. He and Ca.s.sie must have had s.e.x before the others arrived.

Once again, Esther was surprised by how little she cared, how relieved she, in fact, felt. She wasn't ready for all that. She knew that now.