Part 15 (1/2)
”I think you'd get sick of me,” she mumbled now.
”Sick of you?” Rebecca set down her drink and crossed the room to kneel at Esther's feet. ”You silly goose,” she said, smoothing back a strand of hair. ”I love you. I'd never get sick of you.”
Esther didn't respond. She didn't know how to begin to talk about her feelings. It was already too late. She'd been pretending all this time that everything was wonderful, that her old self was a loathsome stranger.
”And another thing,” Rebecca said, moving away again. ”I'd like you to tell your parents about us.”
Tell them what, exactly? Once in a while she let Rebecca kiss her, but she wasn't ready to take things to the next level. So far, Rebecca had been understanding. Was this a sign that her patience was running out?
At any rate, she wasn't about to tell her mom and dad that she was gay.
”Darling, you're living a lie,” Rebecca went on. ”And so are your parents. You must tell them at some point.”
Rebecca was right. Eventually, Esther needed to have a talk with her family. Otherwise, the lies would separate them forever. But there was so much else going on in her life at the moment that she couldn't deal with one more crisis. She'd have to come out in her own time.
”Rebecca, I'm sorry, but I need to take everything slowly,” she said. ”Please don't push.”
Rebecca wrapped her arms around her midsection as if she were suddenly chilled. ”Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm going to lose you,” she said. Her voice was strangely hollow.
”No, never,” Esther said, but even as the words left her mouth, she knew that she was lying.
There was no way Esther could tell Rebecca what she'd done. It had been totally spontaneous, almost an accident; if she'd given it any thought at all, she wouldn't have had the guts to invite Ca.s.sie home for Christmas.
The divas had been jamming in Trudy's living room a week before Christmas. Just for fun, they were singing ”Jingle Bells” and ”Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” and other songs that they would never perform in public.
”So do we get a Christmas vacation?” Ca.s.sie had asked when they paused for a break. ”Or do you expect us here on a holiday?”
”Why?” Trudy asked. ”Do you have big plans?”
Ca.s.sie shrugged. ”Not really. My dad's taking Johnette on a cruise and leaving me to fend for myself.”
And that's when Esther had said, ”You can come to our house. My mom loves having lots of people around at Christmas.” It had just come out, like a sneeze.
Everyone in the room had looked at her strangely. Everyone, that is, except for Ca.s.sie, who'd smiled and said, ”Sure, I'd love to.” And then Trudy and Harumi had stared at Ca.s.sie. She and Esther rarely spoke during band practice and it wasn't as if they were buddies or anything. And they probably wondered about Rebecca.
Rebecca's idea for Christmas had been a cabin in the mountains, maybe a little bed and breakfast, but Esther had explained that her family would never forgive her if she went away. And then, of course, she had pushed for an invitation. ”I'll bring English Christmas pudding. Your parents will love me.”
Somehow, Esther wasn't so sure her mother and father would know what to do with her. Rebecca would strike them as some rare bird that needed special feeding. They'd be intimidated by her clothes and hair and accent. It would be too awkward.
”We'll go out the day after Christmas,” Esther had promised. ”I'll even treat you.”
When she told her mother that Ca.s.sie was coming, Mrs. Shealy was thrilled. ”I'm so glad you're making new friends,” she said. ”And how awful that Ca.s.sie's father would go off and leave her alone at Christmas, of all times!”
Esther's mother knew a little about Ca.s.sie's father. He was a prominent member of the community and, with his conspicuously young wife, a source of over-the-fence gossip. She even remembered the car crash that had taken Ca.s.sie's mother's life.
”You know, she was a looker. She was runner up to Miss South Carolina years ago. I saw her on TV.” Esther's mother clucked. ”But then she got started up with drinking. Some people said she was suicidal, said she couldn't stand losing her looks.”
On Christmas Eve, Mrs. Shealy welcomed Ca.s.sie at the door with a hug.
”We're so glad you could join us,” she cooed. She helped Ca.s.sie out of her pea coat and threw her hands up in surprise when Ca.s.sie handed her a package.
”A little something for under your tree,” Ca.s.sie said.
Mrs. Shealy took the brightly wrapped parcel with one hand and guided Ca.s.sie deeper into the house with the other. ”We've got a crowd here-Esther's grandparents and my sister and her family. I hope you won't mind sleeping with Esther.”
How could she say such a thing! Esther's face turned crimson. ”I'll sleep on the floor,” she said quickly. ”I have a sleeping bag.”
”You promised to lend your sleeping bag to Cousin Bobby,” Esther's mom said.
The turkey was already in the roaster and the house was starting to smell like a holiday dinner. Logs crackled in the fireplace. Esther trailed behind as Ca.s.sie took it all in-the stockings, Bing Crosby on the stereo, gla.s.s plates of fudge and peanut brittle.
Esther introduced Ca.s.sie to her relatives. She didn't tell her grandparents that they were in a punk rock band together. Esther noticed that they were all careful not to ask about Ca.s.sie's family.
Later that night, when everyone started trundling off to bed, Esther felt a rising panic. She wanted to stay up and watch TV in the living room, but one of her cousins was going to be sleeping on the sofa. They had no choice but to go to her room.
Esther sat down in the wicker chair in the corner. Ca.s.sie threw herself across the double bed.
”This must be kind of boring for you. Playing Monopoly with my cousins and everything ....”
”No, not at all,” Ca.s.sie said. ”It's better than being around my relatives. They all drink too much and start talking about Mama. It's horrid.”
They were silent for a moment, the ghost of Ca.s.sie's mom hovering between them. Esther wasn't sure if she should say something about the accident or not. ”What do you think Trudy's doing today?” she asked instead. She wondered why Ca.s.sie hadn't opted to spend the holiday with the lead diva. The two seemed so close.
Ca.s.sie grimaced. ”Probably stalking Noel.” And then, a couple of beats later, she asked, ”So what's the deal with you and Rebecca?”
Esther froze. ”What do you mean? Did Harumi say something?”
Ca.s.sie looked confused. ”What? Harumi? No, I just wondered. I mean, obviously there's something going on between you two.”
Esther could feel her face fill with warmth. Was it really so obvious? Did she have no secrets?
”It's no big deal,” Ca.s.sie said, with a shrug. ”If you don't want to talk about it, fine.” She turned away and started thumbing through the record alb.u.ms lined up on the bottom shelf of Esther's bookcase.
Esther took a deep breath. Ca.s.sie was her friend now. They were supposed to trust each other, to share secrets. ”Yeah,” she said, her voice breaking a little. ”I guess we're involved. How could you tell?”
Ca.s.sie turned to face her, and hugged her knees. ”Well, there's the way she looks at you, like she's ready to devour you. And the way you look at her, like you're nervous or scared or something.”
Esther said nothing. She was ashamed of her fear, but she couldn't say why.
”So how do you feel about her?”
How did she feel? ”Well, she's gorgeous, obviously. And smart, and she has that great London accent.” Esther paused. ”I wonder what she sees in me? She could have anybody.”
”Maybe you're her type,” Ca.s.sie said. ”But you haven't really answered my question. Do you love her?”
Love? Esther tried to conjure a moment when she'd felt something like love. She admired Rebecca, yes. She was flattered by her attention. She'd even liked kissing her, but love? ”I feel like I should love her,” Esther said, finally. ”I don't have a lot of people to choose from. Because I'm not, well, attracted to boys. So maybe this is my only chance to have someone. A partner.”