Part 3 (1/2)
”If we live well here, we shall live well there.
”I can tell you no more if I preach a whole year.
”The collection will now be taken up.”
Dialect stories are usually rather difficult, and should not as a general thing be attempted by beginners. As a matter of fact, few persons know how to speak such dialects as Irish, Scotch, German, c.o.c.kney, and negro without undue exaggeration. For most occasions it is well to keep to simple stories couched in plain English.
A story should be told in simple, conversational style. Concentration upon the story, and a sincere desire to give pleasure to the hearers, will keep the speaker free from self-consciousness. Needless to say he should not be the first to laugh at his own story. Sometimes in telling a humorous anecdote to an audience a speaker secures the greatest effect by maintaining an expression of extreme gravity.
No matter how successful one may be in telling stories, he should avoid telling too many. A man who is accounted brilliant and entertaining may become an insufferable bore by continuing to tell stories when the hearers have become satiated. Of all speakers, the story-teller should keep his eyes on his entire audience and be alert to detect the slightest signs of weariness.
It is superfluous to say that a story should never be told which in any way might give offence. The speaker may raise a laugh, but lose a friend. Hence it is that stories about stammerers, red-headed people, mothers-in-law, and the like, should always be chosen with discrimination.
Generally the most effective story is one in which the point of humor is not disclosed until the very last words, as in the following:
An old colored man was brought up before a country judge.
”Jethro,” said the judge, ”you are accused of stealing General Johnson's chickens. Have you any witnesses?”
”No, sah,” old Jethro answered, haughtily; ”I hab not, sah. I never steal chickens befo' witnesses.”
This is a similar example, told by Prime Minister Asquith:
An English professor wrote on the blackboard in his laboratory, ”Professor Blank informs his students that he has this day been appointed honorary physician to his Majesty, King George.”
During the morning he had some occasion to leave the room, and found on his return that some student wag had added the words,
”G.o.d save the King!”
Henry W. Grady was a facile story-teller. One of his best stories was as follows:
”There was an old preacher once who told some boys of the Bible lesson he was going to read in the morning. The boys, finding the place, glued together the connecting pages. The next morning he read on the bottom of one page: 'When Noah was one hundred and twenty years old he took unto himself a wife, who was'--then turning the page--'one hundred and forty cubits long, forty cubits wide, built of gopherwood, and covered with pitch inside and out.' He was naturally puzzled at this. He read it again, verified it, and then said: 'My friends, this is the first time I ever met this in the Bible, but I accept it as an evidence of the a.s.sertion that we are fearfully and wonderfully made.'”
Personalities based upon sarcasm or invective are always attended with danger, but good-humored bantering may be used upon occasion with most happy results. As an instance of this, there is a story of an annual dinner at which Mr. Choate was set down for the toast, ”The Navy,” and Mr. Depew was to respond to ”The Army.” Mr. Depew began by saying, ”It's well to have a specialist: that's why Choate is here to speak about the Navy. We met at the wharf once and I did not see him again till we reached Liverpool. When I asked how he felt he said he thought he would have enjoyed the trip over if he had had any ocean air. Yes, you want to hear Choate on the Navy.” When it was Mr. Choate's turn to speak, he said: ”I've heard Depew hailed as the greatest after-dinner speaker. If after-dinner speaking, as I have heard it described and as I believe it to be, is the art of saying nothing at all, then Mr. Depew is the most marvelous speaker in the universe.”
The medical profession can be a.s.sailed with impunity, since they have long since grown accustomed to it. There is a story of a young laborer who, on his way to his day's work, called at the registrar's office to register his father's death. When the official asked the date of the event, the son replied, ”He ain't dead yet, but he'll be dead before night, so I thought it would save me another journey if you would put it down now.” ”Oh, that won't do at all,” said the registrar; ”perhaps your father will live till tomorrow.” ”Well, I don't think so, sir; the doctor says as he won't, and he knows what he has given him.”
While stories should be used sparingly, there is probably nothing more effective before a popular audience than the telling of a story in which the joke is on the speaker himself. Thus:
The last time I made a speech, I went next day to the editor of our local newspaper, and said,
”I thought your paper was friendly to me?”
The editor said, ”So it is. What's the matter?”
”Well,” I said, ”I made a speech last night, and you didn't print a single line of it this morning.”
”Well,” said the editor, ”what further proof do you want?”