Chapter 11 (1/2)

OUT OF THE CAGE

It arh to make him think he did not need the coat he had worn out that day Takafu his daughter, Honoka, play in the sand She was turning four this year

The three of the when his wife, Mariko, said she had forgotten to buy soent, Douno offered to go back and buy it for her

“But you don’t knohich brand we use, do you?” Mariko had answered hi her shoulders

Schools were out for the spring holidays, and it was a sunny Sunday afternoon There were e Douno re she wanted a second child He liked children and they were dear to him, but his low salary made it hard to say yes

“Daddy, cohter beckoned In it was a le made of sand

“Honoka’s house,” she tilted her head and grinned Douno bent down and brushed the sand off her checkered dress and hands

“Mo back soon,” he told her “Why don’t ait at the bench over there?” Just as he began to lead his daughter by the hand to the bench where their shopping bags were set down, a voice called him from behind

“Excusethere The htly bowed

“I want you tell ht now?”

Douno remembered that voice Could it be―? He stared hard at the man in front of hirown out His head was not shaved anyrey prison uniform, but a normal white shi+rt and black pants

“I don’t understand this map, and I can’t read the kanji” The man looked up at him His eyes snapped open in surprise

“Takafumi”

When Kitagawa called his name, Douno felt both happiness and uncertainty swell in his chest in a tangled mass

“Takafumi, Takafumi!” The as knocked out of hile Thehis shoulders

“I’ve―I’ve finally found you”

Aat them apprehensively Douno realized how abnor like this

“Let go of me for a minute―I can’t breathe,” was his excuse as he pushed the man’s shoulders away

Kitagaore a boyish grin from ear to ear as he stroked Douno’s cheek with his thumb

“Your hair is longer And you’ve gotten old Your face looks different”

Douno s called old

“I’m only thirty-six,” he said

“I turned thirty-four” Kitagawa gripped Douno’s left hand “Take s I want to tell you Oh, I should’ve brought my notebook I drew tons of pictures Everyone who sees them says they’re nice, so I’m sure you’ll―”

“Daddy”

Theat Honoka’s voice He furrowed his brow and stared down at Douno’s young daughter

“Who’s this little kid?”

Douno’s hand treawa had approached hio, but Douno did not kno thetold the truth Douno was afraid But he could not keep silent forever; Kitagaould find out eventually anyway

“She’s hter”

The man’s mouth twitched

“I got o”

The rey in an instant His gaze wandered left and right as if he were lost, then he hung his head His grip on Douno’s left hand tightened, as if he were angry Detached, yet passionate―memories of thishim shudder

“You were always onwhat you’ve been up to since getting out So I’ain” He did not s were sincere, yet his voice sounded even to his own ears like he wasexcuses

“What kind of work do you do now? Are you getting along with your co-workers? I’ood at it”

He was intilare He forced his words out anyway

“I’ well”

“Honey,” he heard Mariko’s voice calling fro with a s in hand

“I’ I reot to buy”

Douno hastily let go of Kitagawa’s hand as he saw Mariko’s gaze fix on their linked hands A strand of hair had fallen across Mariko’s cheek, and she tucked it behind her ear as she tilted her head

“Is that gentleman someone you know?”

“Oh―yeah He’s an old friend, and we just bumped into each other”

“I see,” Mariko murmured “hello Nice toThestared at with no answer, glanced nervously at Douno

Honoka clung to his wife’s legs “Pick-up!” she said, pulling her skirt

“OhHonoka up in her arms The aardness of the silence seemed to lift a little

“Honey, if you’re going to have a talk with your friend, should I head home first?”

I don’t want to be alone with hiawa He really was But once they were alone, who knehat the ht say?

“No, uh” Douno mumbled incoherently

“I’ back”

“Where did you come from?” asked Mariko

“shi+zuoka,” theup

“From so far away! Are you here for work?”

The ain Suddenly, he lifted his head and looked at Douno

“Tell me your address”

“Hold on, I need so to write with, and some paper” Douno automatically reached into the breast pocket of his jacket, even though there was nothing there At work, he always kept a pen in that pocket

“I’ll just memorize it It’s not much”

Douno’s fading memories of prison came back to hie addresses, in order to avoid conflict after getting out If even a scrap of paper with an address was found on an inmate, he would be punished Everyone memorized the addresses of people they needed to contact once they were out of prison

When Douno told him his address, the ain His mouth moved voicelessly, as if to recite it to himself As soon as his lips stopped, he turned his back to Douno and walked away

He never said “See you again” or “Goodbye”

“He’s kind of different,” Mariko murmured, once the man’s white shi+rt was nowhere to be seen in the park “And he seemed a little scary”

Douno could not argue, knowing how overpowering the full force of Kitagawa’s anger could be

Once they returned to their aparthter while his wife prepared dinner While he kept his daughter coawa

Douno and Kitagawa had spent about nine ether in the saes even though he had done nothing―it had been a false accusation Kitagawa had served time for close to ten years for murder, and he was an expert at prison life

Even though he was skilled at getting by in prison, Kitagawa did not kno to believe in people, how to love; he did not knohat it felt like to receive kindness Douno felt as if his unhappy upbringing, absent of a lovingto do with his criaas always surrounded by ine of people’s weaknesses to make a profit

Douno had reached out, wanting to becoawa responded like a wild animal, with apprehension

But once the binding cords fell away froan to like him more than as a friend He had whispered “I love you” even though were both ether once they were out of prison

Days before Douno’s release, Kitagawa had gotten into a fistfight in their cell and been sent into punishood-bye or exchanging proawa his address If he had really wanted to, he could have asked a trustworthy inmate who lived in the same cell as him But he had not

If they had been able to get on as friends, if Kitagawa had not told him he loved him, if he had was not so violently e else when it came to Douno, he would have wanted to keep in contact even after Kitagaas out of prison Douno liked Kei Kitagawa as a person, but those feelings were not equal to those of love

Douno could not accept the man and his love with open arawa his address, and he did not pick Kitagawa up on the day of his release

But his feelings res of wanting to do soawa, remained with him

When they reunited after six years, Kitagawa had not changed at all His des? Did Kitagawa still love him and want to live with him?

Did he perhaps think he’d been betrayed? I loved hiot married Even had children If that was how he really felt, would his anger and hatred at being betrayed drive hi serious? Like how he had attacked the inmate who made advances on Douno in their cell and punched him until he went limp?

I’ well Douno’s feelings were not false, yet he found hiawa The aas not underhanded He was certain that Kitagaould not hareance, but still, he was unable to deny the possibility Hue

He had told Kitagawa his address If Kitagaanted to know, did that ain? Perhaps it had been better not to tell him But in that situation, Douno kneould have been unable to say no

Douno hugged his daughter as she sat in his lap He prayed that his reunion with Kitagaould not threaten this modest happiness he had found

The next day after their reunion, Douno’s awa for the entire day Even while he orking, he felt like Kitagaould suddenly appear frohts made hin of giddiness, for he teased Douno and asked hiood had happened lately

After getting out of prison, Douno found new eh the help of a support group for those falsely-accused of groping He had once worked as an accountant for city hall, and working with nu to coot barely any extra pay for overtime

Tatsuta, a caring and considerate man, knew about Douno’s situation Tatsuta hi victi practices, and understood what Douno was going through It was a great relief for Douno to not have to hide his past

In the end, Kitagawa did not appear in front of Douno at all that day It was not until evening the Douno realized it would have been iawa to come anyway, especially after yesterday; if the man worked, it would be even harder to come down from shi+zuoka on a weekday

Two days passed, then three Even after a week, there was no coawa Since he did not know Douno’s phone nu him was a direct visit or a letter But Douno received neither

The cherry blosso beautifully They fell and were replaced by deep green leaves, and Golden Week was just days away By this tiain

Had thethe reality of Douno in a h to see him just once?

Douno wondered if their brief reunion in the park had been their last, and he forgot how afraid he was, or how he had feared for his family’s safety A loneliness welled up inside his chest He wanted to try sending a letter, but since he had awa’s address, he could not send one even if he wanted to

The skipping-stone series of Golden Week holidays passed as they entered mid-May Douno came home one day to a dinner of cold soba

“Soba today? Looks good”

It had been very hot during the day Though still a little early in the season, as Douno took off his suit jacket he felt that these kinds of dishes would become more and more attractive with the warmer weather

“It’s move-in soba,” Mariko said as she took Douno’s jacket from him

“Oh, really?” Douno said as he loosened his tie “What kind of neighbours are they?”

“He doesn’t live in this building It’s froawa”

“What?” Douno asked in disbelief

“He brought it for us because he moved nearby”

Douno felt a foreboding chill run down his spine

“When was this?”

“About two hours ago, I think He asked if you were home, and when I told him you were still at work, he left”

“His address―do you know his address?”

“I got his telephone number so you could thank him later,” Mariko said

Douno got the note from her and ran into his bedroom With his cell phone in one hand, he stared at the et through to Kitagawa He would be able to talk to hiift, at least

Douno’s fingers shook as they clenched around the phone When Kitagawa didn’t come, Douno wanted to see him and talk to hiawa lived all the way in shi+zuoka―why had hein close to Douno? What was he planning to do? Douno had no idea what the ―not the faintest clue

Douno was unable to steel hiawa’s voice that day He made the phone call instead on the next day, past eleven at night, because he felt like the et to talk to Kitagawa If he was going to thank the man for the soba, he preferred it to be sooner than later

“I’ out to buy some beer,” he told his wife, and walked out with his phone in hand Suddenly, it began to drizzle, and Douno hurriedly cli lot It was an old subcompact car, and the driver’s seat was cra a standard-sized car, but they were not financially coet a new one

Douno retrieved the note from his pocket and dialled the nuers as the phone rang On the fifth ring, he heard the phone being picked up It was such a sh to make his heart almost stop

“hello?” The voice answered in tremendously bad humour

“This is Douno speaking Is this Mr Kitagawa’s residence?”

“Oh, it’s you” Douno heard a stifled yawn on the other end “I ondering as calling so late”

Douno hastily turned on the cabin light and checked his watch It was five past eleven For Douno, it was still early in the night, but perhaps Kitagawa had not yet grown out of his schedule in prison, where the lights were out at nine If so, Douno would have woken him up from his sleep

“I’ Thank you for thesoba yesterday I was surprised to hear you moved nearby”

“I wanted to be close to you”

Douno had already predicted his answer I knew it, he couldn’t help but think at the ainst his forehead and closed his eyes

“I’ve told you this already, but I’m married now”

“Yeah, I know”

“So well that means I can’t be with you like I used to be”

When Douno and Kitagawa had lived in the sa and physical contact had been everyday things Douno was not able to refuse when Kitagawa made moves to touch him They were in a male-only environment, where even masturbation was prohibited In this situation, even a h to make Douno erect, and drive him to ejaculate Douno had had anal sex with the ainst him, not because he had wanted it

Just because he had been on intiay Once he got out of prison and returned to society, all the people Douno found cute or sexually attractive omen

There was no answer froawa As the silence wore on, Douno stared absently at the droplets of rain hitting and bouncing off his windshi+eld

“I thought about it after I went back to shi+zuoka,” Kitagawa said “I’ve been working at the same factory as shi+ba since last year, and I told him about it, too He said, ‘Douno has his own life now You need to give up and find yourself a nice wife’”

shi+ba was an inawa in the same cell He had been in his mid-fifties then; he was probably past sixty now Douno did not expect to hear that shi+ba and Kitagaere still in contact

“shi+ba bought s up I made her suck my cock, then I boned her I wonder how much it cost for those two hours Anyway, before she went hoht hand, and she started crying” Kitagawa’s voice was flat and regular

“When I told shi+ba that, he toldher job Hoas I supposed to be nice to a girl who lets es every two hours? Was I supposed to treat her to some desserts afterwards, or what? What do you think?”

Douno had no way to answer that

“Well,” he began, “I think it’s very hard for a girl to have to give herself to someone she doesn’t even love But she’s set that aside in order to do her job, so you would have to be considerate of her feelings, and you probably should have avoided talking about the actual act”

Mh”

The rain was coainst the windshi+eld and rooftop of the car

“Is it raining over there?”

“Yes, it is,” Douno answered

“When I told shi+ba I was ainst it He askedto do there ‘Even if you’re with him, Douno won’t be your Douno anymore He has a wife and kid A man should knohen to back off,’ he said”

Kitagawa cut off his sentence

“I’m at least allowed to be close to you, aren’t I? Even if you have a family?” His words sounded detached “Can’t I be allowed to think that when it’s raining where I ah to walk over when I want to see your face?”

I just want to be close―to be near you The man’s plaintive pleaclose was a good thing for either Kitagawa or himself

He could not return Kitagawa’s feelings―this awa remain like this, reawa’s precious time?

Douno also had another sh just to be close, just to see his face, but would he really be satisfied with just that? Once they were close, once they started talking wouldn’t Kitagawa begin to seek him physically, unable to hold in his desire?

“I searched for you once I got out of jail,” Kitagawa continued “I couldn’t do it alone, so I asked detectives to do it Apart fro food, I used all the money I made to pay them Detectives cost a hell of a lot of money, so I worked every day There were easier ways to ot thrown into jail again I wouldn’t be able to see you even if I found you So I toldmy money But even then, I still wanted to see you”

“But,” he continued, “ I love you, and as long as I have you I don’t need anything else But you don’t love me as much as that”

Douno’s breath caught in his throat

“That’s what you ht?”

Douno’s hand shook as he held his cell phone

“I thought I’d be free once I was out I thought I’d be able to sleep with you all I wanted But now I feel like you were closer to me in there than you are now”

“It’s getting late,” Douno said after a long silence, and hung up on Kitagaith that excuse Still clutching his phone, he slu wheel

There was nothing he could do even if Kitagawa bla hiawa harboured for him pained him The faithfulness thrust upon him was unbearably heavy

I have to get back soon, or else Mariko orry Yet for a long time afterwards, Douno was unable to move from his car

It was a chilly day, and it had been raining sinceIt hardly see It was cold enough to want a heater Douno finished work early for once that day, at six in the evening At the entrance to the office, he parted with Tatsuta, as taking the train ho lot behind the building He had pinned his u to fish out his car keys when a voice called him from behind

“Hey”

Thinking it was Tatsuta, Douno turned around It was Kitagawa Douno’s shock , which tipped over on its side on the wet ground His eround to the feet of theacross from him

As Douno picked up his bag, his empty lunchbox was thrust into his face

“Th-Thank you” He took it hastily Kitagaearing a white shi+rt and black pants, and holding a clear plastic umbrella usually sold in convenience stores

“I came to see you”

Douno had no idea what to do in response to that He stood at a loss, with his bag still in his ar up, and he could feel his feet getting wet just standing there He noticed Kitagawa’s pants were darker from the knees down because they et as well

“Let’s get in the car for now It’s raining really hard”

“Okay,” Kitagawa answered, and clier seat as he was told Douno slid into the driver’s seat and put his things in the back seat He started the car and turned on the heater He was cold hied his shoulders and shi+vered

“I’m surprised you knehere I worked”

“I’ve followed you before That’s why I knohat time you leave the house, what kind of car you drive, and where you work”

It was definitely not pleasant to know that he had been folloithout knowledge, but watching Kitagawa’s eyes crinkle as he grinned blissfully made Douno reluctant to reprimand him

“You didn’t have to go through the trouble of following me You should have just asked”

Kitagawa tilted his head “I don’t like the phone And besides, it was fun I felt like I was a detective”

It had warmed up in the car, for the

“Didn’t you wait a pretty long time?”

“Dunno,” Kitagawa cocked his head “I don’t have a watch It was past three when I got on the bus, came here, and made sure you car was here”

So he had been waiting at least two hours in this rain

“Next time, you should just call my cell That way, you wouldn’t have to wait for hours”

“I told you I don’t like the phone,” Kitagawa said adamantly Douno had no choice but to back off The raindrops ainst the windshi+eld He remembered their conversation on the phone about teeks before It had been raining then, too

“How have you been doing since eneral small-talk The silence between the beside each other instead of talking over the phone

“I dunno It’s hard to tell Work is the sao”

“Where do you work?”

“Construction sites,” Kitagawa answered “Digging holes and carrying dirt When it rains, work gets cancelled A lot of the time I show up at the site to be told I’m off work today”

“I see,” Douno nodded He felt Kitagawa staring at hiaze, Douno averted his eyes

“I like sawa murmured “You’re closer to me”

Douno had a foreboding feeling that Kitagaas going to azes of those around hiht Douno in their cell in the middle of the day, where other inmates were present

Douno hastily changed gears and drove the car out He figured Kitagaould not try to touch hi

“Hey, coawa said to hi, and come over”

Douno had a feeling Kitagaould force himself onto him physically if he went over to the aas taller and physically stronger Even if Douno refused―he had a feeling Kitagaould go ahead and do it, anyway

“My wife, she’s probably alreadyfor me”

“Uh-huh,” Kitagawa sniffed Douno sed hard

“I can’t eat with you today, but ether To an izakaya, or so”

There was no answer Kitagawa see refused by Douno

“So, uh, do you cook yourself? You’re good with your hands, I can iood at anyth―”

“I don’t,” Kitagawa replied almost irritably

“O-Oh I see Then what do you usually eat? Do you go out, or”

“Yoshi+-chan’s Bento”

Douno couldn’t help but turn his head

“What’s Yoshi+-chan’s Bento?”

“There’s a takeout place near ives you a lot of food for only 290 yen”

“Do you eat there every day?” Douno asked hesitantly