epilogue (1/2)
[Konohara Narise] One Winter Day ~Sleeping Bunny Epilogue~
Hison his shoes at the front step
Even though he had not been doing anything wrong, souilty
”Where are you going, Hirokazu?”
”I'll just go out for a short walk I'll be back before dinner time”
When he answered aardly while putting on his shoes, his mother muttered, 'Oh, really?' and then briskly walked to his roorey scarf
”You must dress warmly, or you'll catch a cold Your body is weak, so”
”Yes ma'am”
When he obediently took the scarf, his mother brushed back her white-peppered hair carelessly and suddenly sighed
”You have to hurry and get married, too”
He gave a bitter smile and left the house before the situation became more difficult
It was only past four in the afternoon, but the outside was already quite dark
The sky was covered with grey cloud and unmelted snoas piled up at the sides of the road
This was truly the first time that Takahashi+ Hirokazu returned to his horandfather's death three years ago
At that time, he had another business to take care of the next day, so he hurriedly returned on the same day
He was also being considerate of his younger sister and her husband who brought their child with the
There was another reason that he stopped visiting his home often
It was because whenever he returned hoe
Of course, it was natural considering his age, but he felt guilty whenever the topic was brought up
Whenever his , he would have to make excuses like 'I'm a poor salary man' or 'I haven't met anyone nice yet' He was tired of that
When he walked a little along the main road, he smelled the sea and heard the sounds of the wave
He walked up the stairway next to the grey concrete wall facing him, and climbed up to top of the levee
The sea was shaded into a heavy water color, tinged with grey, and the waves were rough as well
He nuht that the reason why the waves felt closer to him than before was because he became an adult
He stared at the sea for quite a while like that, but he seeh to come to see the ocean on a cold day like this He didn't see anyone else
The reason for his homeward journey was because a distant relative of his was having his funeral
Incidentally, this was a day before Saturday, so he decided to spent a night at his home
His little sister did not come
It seeh school entrance exa up
His mother said, ”Hirokazu, you don't need to come, either, if you're busy”
She s because her son who didn't return home if he could help it suddenly came
There definitely WAS a reason why he came home this time, but
Takahashi+ leaned against the concrete wall and deeply sighed
His liver was aching
He thought once again about the difference between a place he couldn't return to even if he tried, and a place he couldn't return to even if he wanted to
Soon, the chill overpowered the view, so he left the levee
After he returned to the main road, he walked towards the seaport because he didn't want to return hoht away
The houses lined up the one-way road
The street and surroundings that hadn't changed for nearly 20 years since he was little--This place was definitely sootten about
He saw an ele him
When he was a boy, he spent five hours a day there
Nostalgia
When he arrived at the gates, he was gasping for breath, whitefrom his lips
He was startled that his hand reached the top of the pillar next to the gates and he couldn't hide his shock at the building that was sht
When he hesitantly walked in, he saw three children playing on the darkened school grounds
The boys were kicking a ball into the goal, one by one
He loosely sat at the corner of the school and watched them for a while
The bar and goal had changed from the time Takahashi+ had attended here
He had been steeped in memories for a while, but reality suddenly rushed into his heart
He thought about how he didn't want to go back hoain
He knew that he couldn't run away fronment in front of his eyes, like the time he had been a child, so he felt even more depressed
He felt a light shock against his foot
When he lifted up his head, he saw a soccer ball that slowly rolled away from him
”Excuse us”
It seemed that a missed kick made the ball fly towards him
Takahashi+ shook his head, hed when the relieved child turned away
”Are you kids in the 6th grade?”
Suddenly, he heard a loud voice coate area
The boys froze in place
”It's already five You boys go hoets dark”
The boys looked at each other and hesitated, and then obediently picked up their ball and went home
At his tone and his unwavering, authorative command at the children, it could be inferred that the ates was a teacher
He didn't leave even after the children left the school
While he ondering why, he sloalked towards him
It was a man that looked about three or four years older than him He was dressed in sweats, and he had a beard
”I'ates Won't you leave?”
”I, I'm sorry”
Takahashi+ nervously stood up When he was about to quickly walk out of the gates, then man suddenly called to Takahashi+
”Uh Can you be Takahashi+?”
He was a little surprised that the man knew his name
”Ah, yes”
When he answered like that, the hed
And then, with a gesture so familiar that it made hi, ”I knew by your voice”
He couldn't recall who thisto him in a such intimate way
The man seemed to notice Takahashi+'s aard expression, too
”You can't tell who I am?”
At his gesture of lowering his head and looking into his face, a face suddenly came into his mind
He thought it couldn't be
”Ichinose”
”Yes, it's me”
The ain
When he looked at him closely, he still had traces of his childhood face at the edge of his nose and around his mouth
”If you've returned, you should at least give me a call, you cold-hearted little jerk”
”Sorry”
His voice naturally became smaller
”It's been 20 years I've s you here today?” Ichinose asked, looking into Takahashi+'s lowered face Because he was an introvert and could not talk well, he had always lowered his head, so Ichinose had always lowered himself and looked into his face when he spoke to him
”Because of my relative's funeral”
”Oh, I see” His tone of voice lowered a little ”That must be hard”
A strong wind blew
A chilling wind mixed with sleet brushed past his cheek
”Where do you live now?” Ichinose asked, tre in cold
”I' in the city”
”I see”
Their conversation suddenly stopped
He couldn't bear the clu, but he couldn't think of anything to say
”What were you doing here?”
He lifted his head at Ichinose's question
”You kept sitting here on such a cold day This guy in black coat kept staring at the kids, so at first I thought you were soerous dude”
His worrying ht about it
Takakashi+ bitterly smiled
”Even if I came back few times, I had no time to relax and stay here Today, while I happened to be passing by this area, I saw our school and I soic, so”
”Hmm” Ichinose softly muttered ”Then why don't you come and take a look inside the school, too? I'raders, but I'rade, we only have like two classes, but”
”Can I go in even though the school's closed today?”
At Takahashi+'s concern, he laughed loudly and replied, ”If they catch us, I can just say that I was going for a drink and I forgot my wallet at school”
His expression looked like a naughty little boy At his unchanged expression fro
”I would've never thought that you had fantasies about sitting on the desks”
”I know I' immature”
Ichinose tsked and mumbled, ”Co?”
The question made his heart almost stop
He had no intention of hiding it, but he somehow felt hesitant
”I' modern japanese at Entrance-based Private School”
Ichinose widely opened his eyes
”For real? You're a teacher, too?”
”Yeah, well”
At his stare, he felt unco his eyes
Ichinose folded his arms across his chest and said in a low voice, ”Mm”
”I would've never expected that I thought you'd choose a job where you can work alone, like a professor or a skilled worker”
Takahashi+ slowly shook his head, s ironically
”I'm not a tenacious type like that”
”Oh yeah? You've always done all of your homeworks, didn't you?”
”I did everything I was given, but I didn't do ht?”
”That's i that, Ichinose found a cigarette in his sweatshi+rt pocket and stuffed it into hisat a private school It's hard to deal with theht?
”Well, I didn't have any expectations on a teacher's job, so I can work quite objectively”
”Hnn” Ichinose ?”
He didn't sound like he was bla him, but he couldn't answer
”It's not even fun, yet you becah hell Your monthly pay is shi+t and the students alwaysstuff?”
”Even if you work at a cos that would annoy you?”
Ichinose let out a huge puff of cigarette smoke
”Company and school are different I used to be a student, too, but not only are they shaly sensitive, and while they're liberal they can also be narrow- of them I can never deal with them”
Even though he didn't apply to a college specializing in education, he decided to be a teacher because he couldn't think of a future
At that time he remembered that Ichinose said he wanted to be a teacher So he thought maybe he could be in the same field as the person he liked
”Maybe I becaet along with other people, even if I have to force myself”
He didn't want to tell him the truth
The fact that it totally didn't e one
”I felt that if I didn't do at least that, I wouldn't have anyone left around me”
Ichinose quietly listened to hi
This bearded man in his thirties was definitely the person that he had loved so, soeer
It hen he entered junior high school that he realized that he had developed a crush on him, as a boy just like him
At puberty, his body developed, including in a sexual way He started to consider hiht
In his head he knew that it eird to like a boy like him, but his body wouldn't listen to him
Even if he lightly tapped his shoulder, even if he saw hie, his entire body would heat up
When they were swis
He wouldat his dirtied right hand, he would hate himself
The good feelings and disgust at hi frohts about him
He had transferred when he learned during suh school He learned that he irlfriend
The day that he got the confession that he had a girl he was dating, he went hoht
The heartbreak made his tears flow endlessly
But the hurt didn't end there
Whenever he talked about his girlfriend, it felt like his heart was being torn apart
When he said that this year, he had decided to attend the suether with his girlfriend instead, the shock , so he spent the entire day stuck in his room
In the end, just hearing her name from his lips made him feel like cry
He beca hurt and tossed around by even one of his careless words
He would never love him back
The thought that this feeling may continue forever made him dizzy
He was planning to enter the nearby public high school together with him next year
But when he heard that the girlfriend applied to the sah school in the city
Neither his parents nor his teacher questioned the fact that he suddenly changed his choice to school one level higher
The test dates were different, so just in case he failed to get in, he took the test for a different public high school as well
They were in different classes during their 3rd year, so Ichinose had no idea until the day of their graduation that Takahashi+ had applied to a high school in the city
When he scolded hi his dipoloma, he looked hurt
He couldn't bear to look at his hurt expression, so he lied with a lowered face that he wanted to study harder
After spring vacation started, for a while he didn't contact him even once
He could alry face
Towards the end of March, he finally called him up
He didn't look like he coer, because aard silence continued again and again, but he did say, 'let's ain'
He answered, 'okay,' but that was a lie
On the day of their graduation, watching hi his back on hiain
He had decided to throay his beloved and aching heartand to protect himself instead
Even if the people surrounding hied, he had never disappeared from his heart
There was always a place in his heart for him
Even though he hadn't been able to see his face for years No, to tell the truth, he had forgotten mostly how he looked like, but the pain in his heart never dsisappeared
He was scared that if he had ever ain, his heart would pound violently
Unlike his such expectations, right nohen he met him coincidentally, he maintained his cool
Perhaps, froo, his love towards hi of the past
It was only that he had not realized it
The love for him had taken over his life for years and years The reason he had been able to end that love er than him
”You've never really gotten along with friends While everyone else were having fun hanging out, I wouldn't see you and go to find you And then I would find you reading a book at the corner of the classroo alone”
”I was bad at talking with other people, that's all”
”But you've talked often withbya book, I alondered what kind of world was inside your mind”
He had always had lewd fantasies, not soh to be defined as a ”world”
”I couldn't understand that I was alith you since ere little, yet I didn't knohat you were thinking You didn't talk much and you had your head always lowered, so I couldn't be sure if you were laughing or you were angry”
Takahashi+ looked outside the , as if running away
The snoas falling even more thickly
”Hey, you listening to me?”
He nervously turned his head and replied that he was, and then bitterly smiled
”I a, but you've hit a tender spot”
”I'ure out what you were thinking, and you didn't talk much, and you were brusque, I still liked you”
The words didn't have ave a leap
”Even though you were taciturn, I enjoyed the tiether I didn't have to be pretend to be someone else when I ith you It felt like it didn'tlike that You were the only one as like that So I wanted to continue to be friends with you”
”Thank you”
”What is that supposed to mean?”
”Because you still want to be friends with someone like me”
”I swear, I don't understand what you're thinking” Ichinose said, shrugging his shoulders ”All this tiht you hated h school without telling h days, too Of course it's your life, but even though ere together practically 24/7, you still didn't say anything to me That sounded like you didn't trust ivethe summer vacation, but you didn't even do that I couldn't stand it so I went to your place, but your mom said you didn't come back I was really lonely”
He did hear from his mother about Ichinose's visit
But he becaht of Ichinose taking the trouble to coe him to come back
”So I really had to bring up a lot of courage to send you the letter telling you I was getting ht if you hated et in contact with you again So I wrote to your place Did you get that letter?”
”I did get it”
Ichinose pressed his forehead with his right hand, looking pained
”You know, coave you my address and my phone number there”
Before the letter had arrived, he had heard fro married
Even though it had been more than ten years since he had met him, he had been unbelievably affected
He had a chance to meet a lot of people up til that tirabbed his heart like him
His beloved's wedding
When he thought that he could never be with him now, his heart was torn apart, so he threw the letter aithout even reading it
The heater so noises
His cell phone suddenly started to ring
It was a call from his mother
She reorried about her son who didn't co she waited
”I've o ahead and start dinner without me”
Ichinose was quietly looking at Takahashi+ who hung up and stuffed his phone into his pocket
”Should we head back now? I'ry”
Ichinose got up fro system off
The classroom was filled with silence all of a sudden
When he caain
”I'm happy to have met you today”
Ichinose let out a strange laughter and walked towards the classroom's exit
He suddenly stopped walking
”Ichinose?”
”May I ask you one thing?”
He turned around with a serious face
”To tell the truth, you hate ht?”
”No way”
He strongly denied it, but he didn't seem convinced
”I know you've been avoiding s and be honest with me”
When Takahashi+ looked startled, he became more persistant
”I know it's i you about this now; I know I'd only ot on ine why you'd avoid uesses”
Ichinose said in a trehed
”I was happy that you, who withclose to you, when others askedand not a big deal You knew all about what a jerk I've been, right?”
The o said with an agonized face, squeezing his voice out painfully
Truthfully, Takahashi+ didn't kno he had described him to other people
”I was such a big, fatabout it makes me ashamed”
Ichinose dropped his head weakly and y in a tiny voice
He thought that, even though their feelings were not the same kind, it could be said that they liked each other
”My homeroom teacher back at elementary school told me to make lots of friends, but that was hard for me”
Ichinose slowly raised his head
”You alone were h for a friend So don't worry about it”
He thought that he could no longer hide the truth fros to hi about his past
Takahashi+ clenched his hands into fists and bit into his lips
”Ichinose”
He tried to make it sound neutral, but his voice unconsciously shook
”I'ay”
At his confession, Ichinose cocked his head
”I've loved you”
After asking hiarette into his mouth and sat in front of the classroom door
It felt weird to be standing and staring at his shoes, so Takahashi+ sat a little apart from him, on the floor
He looked back at him, just once
By looking at his profile, as nu, he couldn't read how he felt about his confession
He couldn't guess what kind of reaction Ichinose would show
He prepared himself so that he could stand the shock, no usted with him
The warm air has been cut from the classroom, and chilly air started to seep into it
Takahashi+ gathered his coat closer to himself unconsciously
”I thought those kind of stuff only happened in TV”
Ichinose left his seat, and then returned with an ash tray
”I'ht be because I'h”
”Really?”
Ichinose lightly laughed and shrugged his shoulders
”Well, yeah, life is really like that, huh?”
When he laughed with him, hot liquid suddenly ran down his cheeks
He hurriedly covered his eyes, but his tears wouldn't stop It ht be because tension suddenly left him
”Don't cry It's not even a big deal”
Ichinose htly smacked his head
”I”
When he kept sniffling because his tears wouldn't stop, Ichinose offered him tissues
”It's the first tiay”
He lowered his head and gathered himself into a ball
”I was scared”
If he kept quiet, no one would know
No one would hate him
That was much easier
It was easier, but He didn't want to lie
He wanted to seriously answer to his honesty
All of a sudden, he felt so his hair
”Thanks for telling uy”
At his whole-hearted kindness, more tears came out
”I'lad that you were the first one I told,” he confessed in a shaking voice ”I was so lucky to have loved you”
He was in so much pain when he learned about his love
He despaired at the love that could never be returned
For years and years, he couldn't throw his feelings away, so he cursed the fact that he was gay He was resentful of the destiny that wouldn't let him stay friends with him
What Takahashi+ received fro to the first love that he could have ever hoped for
He cried and cried until he felt satisfied
A little later, when he finally got his senses back, he was really es he had already revealed
Ichinose had stayed by his side wordlessly
It felt like his silent kindness was diffusing into his heart
When he turned around at the cliking sound, Ichinose was turning his lighter on and off, like a child
Next to the ash tray, an earette case lay
”I've been thinking for a while, but do you still have a crush on me?” He seriously asked when their eyes met
”What?”
”Do you still want to beco?”
Laughing at the thought that he had been worried that he would hit on him, he shook his head
”It's not like that, so don't worry I already have so, so”
”What?”
Ichinose looked shocked
”You have so out with?”
”Yeah”
”Hmm Can I ask you what kind of person he is?”
He laughed a little at his hesitant tone
”He's a sweet person Even though he's younger than me”
His lover's face popped into his mind
They were living in different houses, but he settled himself at Takahashi+'s place and rarely returned to his own apartment
Recently, he slept at his apart absence, and coer at his own house and that he felt uncomfortable
”How long have you guys been going out?”
After he counted on his fingers, he replied that it had been eight years
”You guys dated for quite a while”
Ittime to others, but to Takahashi+, the last 8 years passed in a blink of an eye
The boy who had been a student when they firstman
His groas brilliant, so he could only watch the blindingly radiant man with a bit of anxiety as he became an adult
”I've heard from my female friends before that a hue They said after 5 years, whether they're lovers, spouses or lovers-outside-of-reed with that, but what about you? Don't you get sick of him, since it's already been 8 years?”
Takahashi+ confidently shook his head
”No”
”You must match up with him really well”