Part 14 (2/2)
_01:: The Battle for Mecca Unlike Jesus or the Buddha, Muhammad founded a religion and a political ent.i.ty. As the leader of the early Islamic community in Mecca, Muhammad found himself at odds with his clan's pagan leaders. Facing annihilation, Muhammad and his followers fled Mecca for Medina in 622 CE. Over the next eight years, the Muslims periodically engaged in b.l.o.o.d.y battles over Mecca (in one, the Prophet's uncle was partially eaten by the wife of a Meccan tribal leader). However grand a general he was, Muhammad was an even better negotiator: In 630, the Muslims finally overtook Mecca via a treaty with tribal leaders. After almost a decade of casualties, nary a drop of blood was shed in the final battle for Islam's holiest city.
_02:: The Battle of Karbala (Which Has Nothing to Do with Madonna) Although the fighting lasted only a couple hours and the result was never really in question, the Battle of Karbala has come to symbolize the divide between s.h.i.+a and Sunni Muslimsand, for many Muslims, represents the last stand of Islam's golden age. After the Prophet Muhammad's death, the Islamic community was led by a succession of four ”Rightly Guided” caliphs. By 680 CE, however, a ruthless and distinctly Wrongly Guided caliph named Yazid held court, and the Prophet's grandson Husayn set out to defeat him. Husayn and just 72 followers (many of them young boys) met Yazid's ma.s.sive army at Karbala, in present-day Iraq. And though Husayn and his supporters were slaughtered, the martyrdom is still remembered by s.h.i.+a Muslims today with pa.s.sion plays and public mourning.
_03:: The Crusades Not content to let Muslims fight among themselves, Christian Europe decided to get into the act in 1095 CE. For the following two centuries, European Christians undertook eight major expeditions hoping to conquer Jerusalem and control Christ's tomb, the Holy Sepulcher (which seems like a lot of troublewaging eight wars over a cave where Jesus spent three measly days). Armed with plenty of manpower, the Crusaders took Jerusalem in 1099, but Saladin then reconquered it in 1187. Long story made short, the back-and-forth kept on until everyone got tired and decided to postpone fighting over Jerusalem until the mid-20th century. Of course, the Crusades had a lasting effect on the therefore fairly peaceful relations.h.i.+p between the Islamic world and the Christian one, but they also deepened the divide between the Catholic and Eastern Orthodox churches, particularly when the Catholics decided to sack Constantinople during the fourth Crusade.
Touch of Evil Italian p.o.r.n star Ilona Staller tried to save everyone a peck of trouble back in 1990 when she told Newsweek magazine that she'd sleep with Saddam Hussein ”to achieve peace in the Middle East.”
When Opposites Attack:
6 Feuds Steeped in Jealousy
Jealousy has been likened to a green-eyed monster, much like G.o.dzilla, a rampaging creature that leaves destruction in its wake. Unlike G.o.dzilla, however, jealousy and the feuds it sparks are by no means limited to leveling Tokyo.
_01:: Feud like an Egyptian: The Petiese Saga It was a time of renaissance in ancient Egypt, but for the town of Teudjoy the seventh and sixth centuries BCE were a little less enlightening. The tiny town became the venue for a multigenerational feud, leading to the demise of a n.o.ble family. Here's how the tragic happenings kicked off. In 660, the pharaoh Psammetichos I appointed a n.o.bleman named Petiese to take charge of Teudjoy's Temple of Amun. If the local priests were nervous about this appointment, it was for good reason: Petiese punished corruption and incompetence with beatings and ended up taking personal charge of the temple's affairs. Even worse for the priests, within a few years the place was thriving. With less than holy spirit, the jealous priests took their revenge, murdering Petiese's grandsons in the temple itself. Of course, Petiese tried to get the pharaoh's support, but by then the king was too old and sick to do anything about it. Unfortunately, the vicious pattern of attack, reprisal, and appeal to authority continued for at least four generations, at the end of which the family of Petiese was reduced to utter poverty, still begging officials to take note and restore them to glory.
_02:: They're All Greeks to Me: The Peloponnesian War In the early years of the fifth century BCE, the cities of Greece, led by Athens and Sparta in a h.e.l.lenic League, successfully fought off two separate Persian invasions. But the alliance developed cracksinstead of focusing on what they had in common (like wine, olive oil, and pedophilia), the Athenians and Spartans let their mutual jealousy and political and economic differences split the h.e.l.lenic League into two competing blocs, the Spartan-led ”Peloponnesians” and the Athenian-dominated ”Delians.” Although it was difficult for the two sides to actually fight a battle (Athenian military might was mostly naval, while Sparta had few s.h.i.+ps but large land armies), they finally worked out all the angles and settled in for nearly three decades of fighting in 431 BCE. Sparta won (sort of), but both sides were so exhausted from the fighting that in the end, both were left as prey for rival states, first Thebes and later the rising star of Macedon.
_03:: Viking Love Triangle: The Tragedy of Laxdaela The Laxdaelas struggled to succeed in harsh 10th-century Iceland, and their tale (cleverly t.i.tled The Laxdaela Saga) reads like a veritable catalog full of soap operaish jealousy. It starts out with the family fleeing Norway because one of its ancestors, Ketill Flatnose, incurred the envy of King Harald for his able administration and great wealth. A good enough reason to leave, we suppose. But the drama just keeps coming: the tension between jealous half brothers Hoskuld and Hrut almost leads to combat; a chieftain named Olaf ”the Peac.o.c.k” incurs the jealousy of kinsmen and neighbors for, among other things, the ostentatious clothes that gave him his monicker; and a woman named Gudrun goads her husband, Bolli, into a feud against his cousin and foster brother, Kjartan (who had promised to marry Gudrun but later reneged). And if there weren't enough punches thrown in there for your taste, the emotional climax of the tale comes in 1003, when Bolli and some friends ambush Kjartan only to kill his foster brother in a duel. And while Bolli immediately regrets his actions, catching Kjartan as he falls, Gudrun probably does, too; just before her death in the mid-1000s Gudrun reportedly tells her son, ”To him I was worst whom I loved best.” Hey, sometimes love really hurts.
_04:: Sibling Rivalry among the Children of the Sun When Inca Huayna Capac, the G.o.d-king of the Andes, died in 1525, he left his oldest son, Huascar, as the new king. But Huascar was dismayed to learn that his father had left the rich lands in and around the city of Quito to his younger son, Atahualpa. Apparently, the irritation was directed both ways. Atahualpa envied his older brother's rank and t.i.tle, especially since Huascar was ugly, ill-tempered, and probably crazy. Fortunately, the two brothers decided to settle their differences like gentlemen. Unfortunately, they were Inca gentlemen, who also happened to have fully equipped armies at their disposal. The two brothers engaged in a brutal civil war in which tens of thousands died. In the end (1532) Atahualpa won, but the empire was so weakened that it was unable to offer serious resistance to the Spaniards, who conveniently showed up a few months later.
_05:: Blood Brothers: Jamuka and the Great Khan Jamuka was chieftain of the Jadirat, a minor Mongol tribe, but through a combination of military skill and cunning diplomacy, he managed to acquire a large following in the closing years of the 1100s. Among his allies was a young chieftain named Temudjin; the two were so close that they became each other's anda, or blood brother. But things turned sour (much like fermented horse milk, the Mongol national drink) as Jamuka watched his little bro gain influence, followers, and herds of precious sheep and horses. The jealousy came to a head when Jamuka took the t.i.tle of Gurkhan (”Warlord”) in 1201 and declared war on his erstwhile buddy, which turned out to be a pretty unwise move. In 1205, after repeated defeats, Jamuka's own men murdered him and declared allegiance to Temudjin, who took the t.i.tle ”Genghis Khan” after rewarding the a.s.sa.s.sins by executing them.
_06:: Redneck Rampage: The Saga of Douglas County Apparently, in the mid-1800s in Douglas County, Missouri, jealousy could be a deadly thing. It all started pretty innocently: two rival families, the Alsups and the Sheltons, gathered to engage in a little friendly horse racing. But during the race a Shelton hit an Alsup's horse with his whip. The Alsup then hit the Shelton back, with more fun ensuing. The games ended a few moments later when the Shelton killed the Alsup by shooting him in the heart. The Shelton was immediately blown away by an older Alsup, who in turn was made to resemble Swiss cheese by a hail of Shelton gunfire. The feud went back and forth until the Sheltons were forced to leave the county. Left without any family compet.i.tion, the Alsups terrorized the region until the angry citizens banded together and killed enough of them to cow the rest into submission.
Born Losers:
5 Infamous Second-place Finishers
Who Never Got the Spotlight
No one remembers who followed the Beatles on The Ed Sullivan Show. No one remembers the second dog to go into s.p.a.ce, who Secretariat's closest compet.i.tor was, or who was the first man to break Roger Bannister's 4-minute mile. Nope, those names have been relegated to the same part of your brain reserved for high school chemistry and diagramming sentences. But we think it's about time you polished off your gray cells and gave some of these second-placers a second look.
_01:: Tenzing ”I Could Have Climbed This Without You” Norgay Tenzing Norgay was a Sherpa, one of the hardy mountain folk of Nepal. Like many Sherpa, he discovered that he could make a nice living guiding Europeans up the mountains of his homeland. In 1952, he led Sir John Hunt's expedition to the summit of Mount Everest, the highest point on earth. But few remember Norgay's name, because a New Zealander, Edmund Hillary, insisted on being the first person to stand on the summit. It took Hillary and company seven weeks to climb to the summit and three days to descend, though one suspects Norgay could have done better without the Europeans. In 2004, Pemba Dorji, another Sherpa, reached the peak in just 8 hours, 10 minutes.
_02:: Thorfinn ”I Could Have Discovered This Without You” Karlsefni Most Americans now know that Leif Eriksson was the first European to make a doc.u.mented landfall in the New World. No one remembers the guy who got there second. In 1010, 10 years after Lucky Leif's expedition, an Icelander named Thorfinn Karlsefni led an expedition of two s.h.i.+ps to North America, exploring regions he called h.e.l.luland, Markland, Furdustraands, and Straumford (probably the coast of Labrador and Quebec). Thorfinn's men even built a settlement called Hop, but they were forced to abandon it and head back to Greenland after coming under attack by the natives.
_03:: Gottfried ”I Figured This Out Without You (and Didn't Even Get a Lousy T-s.h.i.+rt)” von Leibniz Leibniz was a brilliant mathematician of the late 1600s as well as a philosopher, scientist, lawyer, librarian, and diplomat. Of course, today he is remembered (outside the wacky world of mathematicians) for none of these things. The reason? Independent of Leibniz, Sir Isaac Newton simultaneously developed many of the principles underlying the science of calculus. Newton turned out to be the better promoter. When schoolchildren today mutter about having to learn calculus, it's Sir Isaac's name they curse, and Sir Isaac alone they envision roasting in h.e.l.l. As far as recognition goes, Leibniz definitely got the short end of the stick.
It's a Mad, Mad, Mad,
Mad Scientist
MAYBE THAT APPLE DID FALL ON NEWTON'S HEAD There's a fine line between genius and madness, and Isaac Newton skipped back and forth over it like a giddy schoolgirl. Often forgetting to eat, Newton would wake up in the morning and then sit on the edge of the bed for hours. Of course, all that time spent on his mattress didn't really help his att.i.tude: Newton was notorious for being a champion grouch, even with his friends. And despite being one of the greatest scientists the world has ever known, Newton spent countless hours either practicing alchemy (trying to prove lead could be turned into gold) or trying to disprove the Christian religious tenet of the Trinity. That ain't all, though. While studying lights and colors, Newton once stuck a big needle in his eye socket to determine what was back in there, and stared at the sun so long that he had to spend days in a darkened room to recover his vision. It's been suggested he was mildly autistic. Or maybe just nuts.
_04:: Claudius Most people with an interest in cla.s.sics know that Julius Caesar was the first Roman general to lead an invasion of Britain. Few, however, remember that Caesar's expedition ended without a permanent occupationhe was forced to return to finish up a collection of outrageously one-sided battles in Gaul (which became known as the Gallic War). And it was four generations before a Roman commander again led troops to fair Britannia. In 43 CE the emperor Claudius, thought by many to be an imbecile, led a brilliant lightning conquest of the Britons, coordinating a number of legions and even bringing the first elephants ever seen so far north. In fact, ”Claudius the Fool” was given the surname Britannicus in honor of his victories. Not bad for a moron.
_05:: Robert Falcon Scott Captain Scott engaged in a famous and not-so-friendly contest with Norwegian Roald Amundsen to be the first human to reach the South Pole. Amundsen spent months preparing for his journey, learning cold-weather survival techniques from indigenous people of the Arctic. Scott, on the other hand, believed he needed no such instruction; ignoring sources on Inuit customs, refusing to use dogsleds, and otherwise, as the British say, ”making a hash of things.” On January 18, 1912, Scott and his party arrived after much hards.h.i.+p at the South Pole, only to discover that Amundsen's party had beaten them by over a month (Amundsen even left Scott a note advising him to help himself to whatever was left at the Norwegian camp). Amundsen returned home a hero; while Scott, well, didn't. Sadly, he and his entire party died on their return trek in weather that was harsh even by Antarctic standards.
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