Part 4 (2/2)

she wrote, ”as if I were in an oven with hot anic disease of the heart” it was now suspected to be--caused her ,” she says in one of her letters, ”I a else” Her physical condition naturally affected s Under date of July 12th, she writes:

The word _conflict_ expresses better than any other eneral state fro upon the surface of a great ocean, blown hither and thither by every wind, and tossed from wave to ithout the rest of a ine that God ever intended ht and wise in Hi fro interestsin h far greater spiritual conflicts than will probably ever be mine I see now that it is not always best for us to have the light of God's countenance Do not spend your ti, but this--that I e of Christ in His own tiust she left Richmond and flew homeward like a bird to its nest

III

Extracts from her Richmond Journal

Were her letters to her cousin the only record of Miss Payson's Richive a complete picture of it; for they ritten in the freedoht that a third eye would ever see them But it had another and hidden side, of which her letters contain only a partial record Her early habit of keeping a journal has been already referred to She kept one at Rich it, as she had destroyed others, by the entreaty of the only person who ever saw it This journal depicts s, both earthward and heavenward Soes in it are of too personal a nature for publication, but the following extracts see out several features of her character with sunlike clearness, and so will help to a better understanding of the ensuing narrative:

RICHMOND, _October 3, 1840_

How funny it see is so different from home! I foresee that I shan't live nearly a year under these new influences without changing row old because people treatfolks Well! whoever should see me and my scholars would be at a loss to knoherein consists the difference between theirl after all, and yet folks do treat me as if I were as old and as wise as Methusaleh And Mr Persico says, ”Oui, Madame” Oh! oh! oh!

It irls, these damsels whose hearts are developed asof their o to bed, if they o to Mr So-and-so's, and Miss Such-a-one's to buy--a stick of candy for aught I know Oh, oh, oh! I shall have to take airs uponones I shall have to leave off sitting curled up on my feet, turkey-fashi+on I shall have to make wise speeches (But a word in your ear, Miss--I _won't_)

_Oct 27th_--This Richmond is a queer sort of a place and I should be as miserable in it as a fish out of water, only there is sunshi+ne enough in ht In the first place, this dowdy chamber is in one view a perfect den--no carpet, ashed walls, loose s that have the shaking palsy, fire-red hearth, blue paint instead of white, or rather a suspicion that there was once so froht The little witches down-stairs love me dearly, everybody is kind, and--and--and--when everybody is locked out and I am locked into this sa on the earth so rich, so happy as I! Here is my little pet desk, here are my books, my papers

I can write and read and study and moralise, I don't pretend to say _think_--and then besides, every ht, within these four walls, heaven itself refuses not to enter in and dwell--and I row better and better and happier and happier in blessedness hich nothing may intermeddle

Mr Persico is atoto puzzle out I like hi adorned his rooms with such fine ones--at least they're fine to o and sit and dreaood thoughts come into my heart? As to Mrs P, I hereby returnher so beautiful She has a face and figure to fall in love with K has also a fine face and a delicate little figure Miss ---- I shall avoid as far as I can do so I do not think her opinions and feelings would do ood She has a fine mind and likes to cultivate it, and for that I respect her, but she has nothing natural and girlish in her, and I am persuaded, never had She hates little children; says she hates to hear theh, thinks them little fools Why, how odd all this is to els in heaven and hate to hear the

That, to be sure, is my way, and the other way is hers--but soood-hearted to be so very, very superior to children as to shun the little loving beautiful creatures I don't believe I ever shall grow up! But, Miss ----, I don't want to do you injustice, and I's you've said about eniality of feeling between us, why, I thank you But oh, don't teachthe simple beauties hich life is full Don'tto me about love--oh, don't!

_Dec 1_--I wonder if all the girls in the world are just alike? Seeht be so sweet and lovable if they'd leave off chattering forever and ever about lovers If ed birds under their oings, wouldn't they ht to be thinking about all the beautiful things in life but just lovers, are reading novels, love-stories and poetry, till they can't care for anything else Now, Lizzy Payson, where's the use of fretting so? Go right to work reading Leighton and you'll forget that all the world isn't as wise as you think you are, you little vain thing, you! Alas and alas, but this is such a nice world, and the girls don't know it!

_Dec 2_--What a pleasant walk I had thison Ambler's Hill

The sun rose while I was there and I was so happy! The little valley, clothed hite houses and completely encircled by hills, reminded me of the verse about the mountains round about Jerusalereat hill to myself, and it was so beautiful that I could have thrown ood and loving Mother Nature! I choose you for my own I will be your little lady-love I will hunt you out whenever you hide, and you shall coh with me when I'm merry, and take e of the heavenly forceth out that of the earthly from my whole heart and soul

Oh, how I prayed for a holy heart on that hillside and how sure I ahts I've had all day for that blessed walk!

_8th_--My life is a nice little life just now, as regular as clockwork

We walk and we keep school, and our scholars kiss and love us, and we kiss and love theood, wise, holy Leighton, and we discourse about everything together and dispute and argue and argue and dispute, and I'reat things, as I know of, but I want to keep up es a day And as to our discourses,sort of mind wants to coh it's as stiff as a poker in its own opinions You're a very consistent little girl! you call yourself a child, are afraid to open your mouth before folks, and yet you're as obstinate and proud as a little ly at the risk of being called odd and incoh! Run on and break your neck if you will You're nothing especial after all

_9th_--To-night, in unrolling a bundle of work I found a little note therein froht I should fly out of rowing so unetherial Why, I take up a lot of room in the world and my frocks won't holdas still as ato be happy in the things of this life Oh, I a other people so--as for talking religion--I don't see how I _can_ It doesn't come natural Is it because I am proud? But I pray to be so holy, so truly a Christian, that ently persuade all who seeof my perpetual happiness and quietness The only question is: Do I live so? I' maidens down-stairs; but, oh, I'm afraid to rush into _their_ pleasures

_25th_--I've been ”our Lizzy” all s and opinions before folks, but have sat still and listened and mused and lived within myself, and shut myself up in s thereof till I've got a set of notions of my ohich don't _fit into_ the notions of anybody I know I don't open myself to anybody on earth; I can not; there is a world of so in me which is not known to those about me and perhaps never will be; but sometimes I think it would be _delicious_ to love a s, only better, wiser, nobler I do not quite understand life People don't live as they were racious, glad spirit that finds the good and the beautiful in everything, joined to the manly, exalted intellect--rare unions, I airl! Do you suppose such a soul would find anything in yours to satisfy it? No--no--no--I do not I know I aht to be content with soive up one inch of these the demands of my reason and of my heart for all the truths you tell me aboutchild of o down to school Oh, no, no school for a week, and I guess I'll spend the week in fancies and follies It won't hurt ot back to the world as satisfied as ever, indeed I have

_Jan 1, 184l_--We've been busy all the week getting our presents ready for the servants, and a nice ti them show their ivory thereat James made a little speech, the aet married till I'd ”done been” here two or three years, because ood to look at it! I was as proud as Lucifer at this compliment, and shall certainly look pleasant all day to-day, if I never did before Monsieur and the rest wishedat me as I went in to breakfast--and Milly privately informed Lucy that she liked Miss Payson ”a heap” better than she did any body else, and then caed irl

I had some presents and affectionate notes from different members of the family and frohtedto tell _you_, old journal

Took tea at Mr P's and Mrs P laughed at her husband because he had once an idea of going to New England to get my little ladyshi+p to wife (for the sake of eted terribly, but I didn't care a snap--I a to s to think of on this New Year's day--good, heavenward thoughts and prayers and hopes, and if I do not become more and more transforht Oh, how dissatisfied I ae I shall one day be changed when I see Him as He is!