Part 35 (1/2)

HE WON'T BOTHER YOU ANYMORE.

Whoever it was wrote the one word I didn't want to see: Stanford.

Kendra

I Didn't Want To See The truth of things. That you never embraced me the same way that I embraced you.

That when we lay laced together, satin yarn and leather cord, it was you who untied the knots. That when you told bedtime stories of love come unraveled, you were always warning me of impending unraveling.

That the promises you wove into the fabric of us were nothing more than lies.

Are All Relations.h.i.+ps Destined to unravel? I hear stories about people who have been married for fifty or sixty years. But I've never met any. And if they do exist, what are they made of? The cliche answer is friends.h.i.+p. If that's accurate, Mom and Patrick just might last a while.

But Dad and s.h.i.+loh will come unwoven eventually. Jenna and Andre already have.

That makes me a little sad, although if I am honest, I have to admit I was a lot jealous.

Not because of his car or his house or his money, but because he really loved her.

He called me the day after they broke up.

I don't know how much influence you have on your sister, but she needs help.

She drinks every day. Not just a little.

She doesn't think she has a problem, but she does. And she won't listen to me.

He said that isn't why he had to stop seeing her. And I believe that. You can't stay with someone you love when they don't care enough about you. Jenna doesn't care much about anything. Not even herself. And I really don't get that. On the surface, she is pure confidence.

What is she hiding? What is she trying to prove? What is she trying to forget?

How can I ask her any of those questions?

She'd probably ask me the same questions. And I don't have any answers.

The Only Person Who has asked them is s.h.i.+loh. Like she has any right to. Like she really gives a d.a.m.n.

Today we are shopping for bridesmaid dresses. Jenna is supposed to be here too.

Guess something better came up. It's okay, says s.h.i.+loh. We can choose the dress, then find one in the right size for Jenna.

I was thinking burgundy. What do think?

I shrug. ”Kind of dark for afternoon, especially in June. What about teal?”

Nothing like flipping her entire color scheme. But hey, she asked my opinion.

Hmm. Not big on teal. But you're right about burgundy being dark. Maybe ...

black? She laughs. Just kidding. Unless you think it would work. Let's look around.

The first one that we both agree on is a strapless sheath in a floral design.

”Tres tropical,” I say. ”Not even close to burgundy, though.” I pull a size two.

s.h.i.+loh raises an eyebrow, but keeps her opinion to herself. Until I come out of the dressing room. Come over here to the mirror. Tell me what you see.

”Uh ... the dress is a little big in the bust, but the ruche helps that, and length is good....” It falls just above my knee, with a slit up the back.

She puts one hand on each of my shoulders. Tell me about the girl inside the dress. What does she look like? How do you think I see her?

Ambushed And just when I thought it was going so well. ”Don't tell me. She's too thin.

You might even call her 'emaciated.'

Obviously, she has an eating disorder.

Auschwitz survivors look better than her. What's wrong with her? Right?”

s.h.i.+loh rubs my shoulders, and that feels good. She drops her voice very low. Not exactly. I see a girl who wants to present someone special to the world. Someone beautiful. The pinnacle of beauty. But she has lost her hold on reality. Real beauty isn't thin. It isn't size two, unless you happen to be four foot ten. What the world sees when they look at you is someone who believes self-worth is all about how she looks, and that very often means what she's missing is love. Not someone else's love. But love and respect for herself. Why don't you love yourself, Kendra? You should. You are perfect, just as you are.

”Shut up! What are you, a psychologist?

I don't need you to a.n.a.lyze me! Anyway, you aren't exactly all innocent and everything. THIS IS YOUR FAULT.”

Which isn't totally true, but it does shut her up for a minute or two. Her head tilts sideways as if she can't comprehend English. I'm sorry. What do you mean?

”I mean you took Dad away from Jenna and me. Have a thing for married men?”

Her Hands Fall Away From my shoulders. How can I want those hands back? The girl in the mirror looks drawn. Gaunt. Outside and in.

s.h.i.+loh's right about what the world must see when it looks at me. Oh, Kendra. I didn't take him away. Please, understand that. I didn't even know he was married until after your mom walked out, and she had every right to. By then, I was in love with him. Believed I could save him.

I still believe that. But salvation will come easier if you and Jenna can find the strength to forgive him. He never meant to hurt you.

You girls mean everything to him.

”He never ...? Oh yeah, he meant to hurt me. In fact, he used to f.u.c.king wail on me.”

Ha! Said It And it had the exact effect I wanted.

Disbelief. Shock. Dawning realization that the guy she fell in love with- my father-is so not the man she thinks he is. ”Oh yeah. He'd come home drunk. Angry. Didn't matter at what.