Part 20 (1/2)

That sounded serious. No, more like ominous. Surely he wasn't hinting at marriage? Okay, that's purely speculation on my part, but if that's what he meant, better to sever this relations.h.i.+p right away.

Because while I might have thought I loved him once, I never considered marrying him. Or anyone. When I was little, my friends would gush over wedding gowns and honeymoons.

But I saw too many people flush decades together right down the toilet over money or kids or meaningless flings.

My own parents chose to stay married, which I think is rather funny, since they show about as much affection for each other as pit bulls in a ring.

Tying the knot means slipping a noose around love and choking it to death.

So Now Or Never I dial Sean's number. He answers before it rings, as if waiting, phone in hand, for me to call. Oh, thank G.o.d. I swore if I didn't hear from you, I was coming over there and camping in your driveway. Did you get my last message? I got in! And I'm going to play for Stanford.

I can picture his face, all lit up with pride and excitement. I have to hurry, or I'll lose my nerve.

”Sean, listen. I'm not sure why you thought we would be together after this year. I never promised that. And what happened the other night made it clear to me that I can never be what you need. You deserve someone who will love you with all her heart. That isn't me. I'm sorry.”

I knew he would take it hard, but did not expect the rabid way he comes back at me now. What the f.u.c.k are you saying? That it's over? Because we finally had s.e.x? You can't be serious!

”Not just because we finally had s.e.x.”

d.a.m.n it. I'm crying. ”Because it didn't mean anything. I should be dying to have it again. I'm not.”

He is quiet for several very long seconds. Finally he says, Cara, I love you and that wouldn't change even if we never had s.e.x again.

I'll jack off forever, if that's what you want. His voice slices the ether between us. But I will never let you go. He gives me no choice but to say, ”We're over, Sean. I'm sorry, but the longer we try to hold on to each other, the more it will hurt when we finally fall apart. This is good-bye.”

I Think I Hear Him Sob As I hit the off b.u.t.ton. That so did not go well. It was the right thing to do. So why do I feel empty? Why must I make things black and white?

Okay, I know the answer. Like it or not, I take after my parents. Neither acknowledges hues of gray. Really, though, it's my choice. Either deal the cards faceup on the table or withdraw from the game. I'm sick of bluffing. This is where most girls would pick up the phone, call their best friend, seek sympathy.

Not me. Oh, I've got more than a few so-called friends, but none I'm close to. Something else I inherited-lack of trust. I wish I had someone to talk to. Only one person comes to mind.

Guess it's time to let out the bad air.

Straight to voice mail. ”Hey, you.

I've been thinking about you....”

Screw that. Try the truth for once.

”Uh, some stuff happened and it would be really great to talk to you.

Call me when you can. Oh, this is Cara.” Stupid. She would know who.

Wouldn't she? Oh my freaking G.o.d.

What's wrong with me? I dump Sean and my ego suffers? Freud would no doubt have something deep to say about that. I can't just sit here stressing, so I fire up my laptop, check my e-mail. There are a dozen from Sean, all sent before we talked. Delete. Without. Opening.

The usual junk mail. Nothing more.

I head on over to Facebook. No new wall posts on my profile page.

On my home page, more messages from you-know-who. Delete.

One from my cousin, Tiffany, asking about summer plans. Looks like she's getting married. You go, girl. A shout-out from Shantell, reminding me about her graduation party. How could I forget? It's all she's talked about for weeks. And now it looks like I'm going solo.

Messages read, I return to my home page, where status alerts announce all the news that's fit to know. I'm just about out of there when an update pops into view. What the...? Sean is cyber-screaming to our mutual crowd: CAN'T BELIEVE THE b.i.t.c.h BROKE UP WITH ME!!! I knew he was upset, but I didn't think he'd go public, at least not so soon. Comments start to appear.

Most paint me a villain. A wh.o.r.e, lacking a heart. Some are written by ”friends.”

Enough Already I can understand vitriol from his team- mates. Guys stick together, and those particular guys have muscles beneath the double-thick plates of their skulls, where brain matter really should be.

But the nastiest remarks come from girls. A couple are on the cheer squad.

The one who comments, CARA'S A s.l.u.t would know what that word means from experience. But I would never post that on Facebook. Not even now.

I want to respond. React. Deny.

But that would only stoke the coals of gossip, churn them into a raging firestorm. Better to keep quiet, let the coals burn down into ash.

I turn off my computer. Lie on my bed, hoping for sleep to toss me somewhere else for a while.

Somewhere deep. Dark. Empty.

Kendra

Empty Is the perfect state of being.

Nothing inside to anchor you. Nothing inside to chain you down, keep you from living your dreams.

Empty, almost weightless, you are an eyelash afloat on a blink of breeze. You can rise above tension and worry, loosed from the grip of gravity.

Adrift in thermal lift, you ride the wing of freedom and soar.

Empty, you are Eve in Eden.

Empty, you are what you were meant to be.

Thank G.o.d For Jenna My messed-up little sister always manages to take the glare off of me.

I mean, here I am, in the red-hot seat, getting the fifth degree from my loser dad and his wife-to-be (like she has any place talking all ”mom” to me), when in sambas Jenna with her boyfriend. I have to admit I felt sorry for the guy. He had no idea that Dad is stuck in the preacivil rights era. Racism is alive and well and hanging 'em high in the Rudolph Mathieson home.

Downright nasty of Jenna to bring Andre to lunch. She knew Dad would make a miserable scene. That way, she didn't have to make her own scene about the wedding.

Wait. Okay, that was brilliant. d.a.m.n her.

Something Obvious To me, though I'm pretty sure Dad missed it completely-Andre is flat crazy in love with Jenna. It was in his eyes, how he couldn't pry them off of her.