Vol 1 Chapter 8 (1/2)

Chapter 08

Infiltration

Part One

It actuallyto do with a hormonal imbalance

inwaves, my mania and depression

alternated, and that was how every day went Just when I thought I felt

better, I wanted to die so bad the very next day that I wasn't good for

anything

Despite using drugs to force etic, I couldn't

carry on once again after they wore off Shame about my past and

anxieties for the future, as well as many other fears, assaulted me

si depression was a rebound froy

periods and, as such, was completely, horribly severe

Even Misaki's nightly counseling, which I should have grown

accusto Anxiety of an unknown

origin had enfolded in fanned

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my fear even more

The initial, readily noticeable syaze started to

wander and I would become unable to look others in the eye while

speaking to them Oh, I was just like some overly self-conscious middle

school kid I felt embarrassed from the bottom of my heart And because

I are of that embarrassment, my behavior would become even

stranger and more suspicious It was a vicious cycle

Anyway, for that night, I tried s to calm myself down in

front of Misaki My hands, now prone to shaking, took out a cigarette

and lit it, using a cheap lighter da out of fuel! How

can this he? This sucks! I didn't knohat to do with the tobacco and

lighter I was holding, but I'd do anything possible to avoid the

hu to put the as

hard as I could to light it Click, click, click, clickI kept struggling and,

finally, I succeeded—thank heavens!

I immediately turned away from Misaki and, instead, focused too

aasting five

yen with every puff My lungs hurt and uts hurt, too The end of

rapidly On the back of my neck, a cold, sticky

sweat—

”What's wrong?” asked Misaki As was usual for our counseling

sessions, we faced each other at night on one of the park benches

”The problems caused by my chronic illness!” I replied

”What do you mean by 'problems'?”

That's what really bothered irls these days didn't know

anything Go study a little more! I wanted to yell at her; of course, that

would be ih

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several years of hikikooraphobia, fear of eye contact,

and all my other anxiety disorders—now held me doith

considerable power

HmDid I lock my apartment door? Was I certain I'd put out my

cigarette? More important: Misaki, don't look at me like that with those

adorable eyes! Not tome without

saying anything! It makes me unbelievably nervous My stomach really does

hurt

I had to say so fast ”By the way, Misaki, do you like snacks?”

What the hell was that supposed to mean?!

”No”

”Usually, girls around your age always are eating some kind of snack,

twenty-four hours a day, right? Just like a little animalcrunch,

crunch, crunch, crunch What's up with that? Is it because they're young

and have fast metabolisms, so they continually have to replenish their

calories or they'll die? That's got to be it, huh?”

Should I just die?

She didn't say anything

Should I just die?

”I won't die! And that's because I'etic man! This

overflowing energy is the best! I'm only twenty-two! My future stretches

out before me! 'A neeew toooomorrow is here, one of hopesssss'” I

sang

Misaki clutched my shi+rt sleeve

”Hm?”

”Let's go into the city, the day after to

to pull on ether Someone

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147

io to the city,'

or so like that That's not a lie It ritten in a book I read

recently, so it's about tio into the city If we do that, I think

you'll definitely head in a good direction Okay?”

Without thinking, I nodded

Misaki's request had instilled a new fear within o into the city,

in broad daylight, with a irl whose true identity I still didn't

knowNo question, this rash action would put an unbelievable

amount of pressure on me Completely overwhelmed by it, I

undoubtedly would do soain There was

no chance that I would avoid doing so incomprehensibly

pathetic Ah, I didn't want to go I wanted to stay locked up in my room

Regardless, a promise is a promise I reminded myself that the first step

to being an outstanding member of society would be to faithfully honor

h; I was just

a hikikomori

Anyway, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach The tension and

unrelenting is I used to have the

day before a test For someone whose eak like mine, this

pressure weighed down heavily on me with a palpable force

However, just as Dostoyevsky or somebody had written in a story,

along with pain that exceeded normal bounds also came an undeniable

pleasure In essence, when stress surpasses a particular liet

high on it for so extremely run down, for example,

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, in turn, would raise

the excitement and the enjoyment

”Right, Yamazaki?”

”Yes, sure I have no idea what you're talking about, though”

Today, as usual, Yaame since

the early ht

be enjoying hihastly way

”Let otten,” I said, but he blocked the

co an especially erotic

game

Well, whatever bizarre erotic ga on

breakfast right

about then and opened the fridge

”Huh? What, Yamazaki, you're out of food?”

”Hey, you! Don't eat soh it's

yours! And in their own apartment, no less!”

”No e in my room to

that secondhand shop” Trying to make suitable excuses, I took some

instant ramen from its usual place in the cabinet

Just then, the doorbell rang A visitor?

Yamazaki slowly stood up from his computer desk and opened the

door in the front hall Standing there were two religious solicitors

However, today's solicitors weren't Misaki and her aunt but a young

hly ed

boy in a navy blazer I wondered whether perhaps the routes had been

changed

Either way, the solicitors' actions reed

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”Uazines” The solicitor handed

two pa the word about

our religion”

Yamazaki tried to chase the solicitors aith some appropriate

speech

Watching the them at

the front door, I pounded Yamazaki as hard as I could on the back

before interjecting, ”What are you saying, Yamazaki?! Earlier, didn't you

say that you were interested in such literature?”

”Huh?”

Ignoring Yaive me a look that meant,

”What are you talking about, you idiot?” I faced the solicitors and rattled

on, in one breath: ”Actually, we've been interested in your activities for a

while Could we possibly convince you to let us attend one of your

s?”

Part Two

Last night, e parted, Misaki had whispered, ”Tomorrow, it's my

turn to present at missionary school, and I don't want to”

”What's that?” I asked, and Misaki falteringly described it

Missionary school was apparently a kind of assembly where

”research students” could perfect their skills at ”service activities” The

following day, she would have to give a speech in front of everyone

She used so ious terms that an outsider like me

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couldn't really understand what she was talking about When I tried to

get her to explain o

ho that I have

to do too into the city the day after that Don't

forget your promise”

That was last night Today, Misaki's religious group would hold a

, she would have to play a really difficult

role Having put all this together, an idea struck me Today was the

perfect opportunity to find out who Misaki really was! Su my

courage, I begged the solicitors, ”Please, take us with you and allow us to

observe!”

Apparently, it was a rule that normally, outside observers first had

to attend the ”literature research” that took place every Wednesday

Thus, the two solicitors appeared uncertain what to do with me I

continued to entreat them, ”It must be today! Please, take us to the

today!”

After I begged theave in

They disclosed the location of the ”I time

”It starts at six o'clock in the evening If you tell them you've come 'on

Kaneda's sponsorshi+p,' you'll be allowed to enter”

It was early evening Having disguised ourselves in strange clothing, we

quickly walked up the road toward the Imperial Hall

My reason for infiltrating thewas to observe Misaki's

private life, so I could figure out her real motivations This was the

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reason that I decided to disguise , Yamazaki

stubbornly resisted et him to join me, but I finally

convinced hianization is a once-in-alifetime

opportunity, you know! It'll be interesting!” Eventually, he

yielded to uised

himself

I wore the black suit I had bought when I entered college so that I

would look like a prize recruit I pulled a tulip-pink hat do over

ht I looked

ridiculous

For his part, Yamazaki wore platform shoes to make himself about

four inches taller, put green contacts in his eyes—and on top of all that,

bleached his hair gold I had no idea why he even owned such an idiotic

thing as platforuise

Yet, I reht

expose our true identities ”What do you think, Yamazaki? There's no

e can change our voices, is there?”

When I expressed ed me

into the department store near the station, and we headed toward the

fourth-floor toy store At the party goods section, he picked up some

heliuo because if you inhaled it,

your voice would sound like a duck

”Ah! You're smart!” I thumped Yamazaki on the back

He stuck out his thureat time

In this e completed all our preparations and triumphantly

headed toward the Ie of the

shopping center near the station People passing us—clearly a shady

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pair, squeaking in high ”duck” voices—threw perplexed glances in our

direction Normally, ould have been intimidated by their stares; but

only for today, eren't scared of other people My dark glasses

blocked the glances, and I had a friend in Yamazaki, who bravely walked

beside me

More than anything else, the ”energy-giving drug” I had bought

through thequite well Only half a day earlier, I had

been suffering fro—but now, I

was suffused with energy Apparently, just a few eneric

drugs could drastically change people's emotions

”Is this it?” Yamazaki asked in his duck voice once we had exited the

narrow alley that ran next to the tracks, pointing at a four-story building

next to a convenience store

I checked the map the solicitor had drawn for me The information

board at the building's entrance also announced, ”Third Floor, Imperial

Hall” There was no reat that we had arrived

at our destination, but I felt unexpectedly let down

Contrary to its powerful-sounding name, the Imperial Hall was a

rather worn-out old building that rented out office space to small

businesses The first floor was a real estate company and the second

floor housed a tax attorney's office, leaving only the third floor to be

occupied by the religious group Colored red by the sunset, the rental

space looked even e temple decorated

in gold leaf and the like, so I was taken by surprise

Still, it was about tio,

Yamazaki”

”Yeah, let's, Satou”

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153

Fortifying our will, we cli

In the end, our infiltration of the hall succeeded easily

No one we passed even obliquely uises

Although I had told yet another gigantic lie: ”Actually, my eyes are so

bad, I needbeen asked

And everyone said, ”Oh my, how terrible,” and took pity on me

That's right: They were actually good people

”Good evening”

”Welcome”

”Thank you for co”

A housewife, a female middle school student, and a businessman

greeted us with invigorating s our heads to

them, we continued up the narrow stairs and stepped into the

hall And once again, we tasted disappointment

The interior of the hall lacked any religious atmosphere

Adornments such as candles, crosses, and altars were nowhere to be

found Instead, inside the room, a podium like those found in school

auditoriue, faced by rows of evenly spaced metal

folding chairs The room could accommodate about one hundred

people The floor and walls were painted uniformly in a soft cream color,

and the fluorescent lighting was bright This relaxed space, the

room, basically resembled a normal town hall

For noe sat in folding chairs at the very back, hunching down to

make ourselves as invisible as possible However, that attempt soon

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failed miserably Ya

people—young and old,

solicitor wed seen the previous day had told everyone to expect visitors

beforehand

”I hear you're interested in the Bible,” said a houseith a child in

her arms ”After all, faith is an issue that everyone has to face”

A young e said, ”Please, take your time and watch”

A high-school-aged girl said—

They were all speaking to us at the same time

Returning their greetings in ly

anxious This is bad At this rate, we'll stand out Or rather, we're already

standing out plenty Misaki doesn't see,

though, it's only a uises

For thethe

househere the bathroo hall

”This is no good, Satou”

”It's bad, isn't it, Yamazaki?”

We caught our breath while relieving ourselves in the sparkling

clean bathroom

”Why are those people being so friendly to shady people like us?”

”I'm kind of moved” I was somewhat surprised by myself This was

the first ti like

this A large number of people had openly welcomed me with smiles on

their faces I had no idea how to deal with it

”Ha ha ha ha, maybe I should convert!”

I heard Yaone into the private stall, suddenly

burst into laughter Next ca I

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155

heard him blow his nose, and then he came out of the stall The pupils of

his eyes had dilated behind his colored contacts White powder stuck to

his sleeves

”How about you, Satou?” Yamazaki held out a plastic packet filled

with the drug I gently refused As e activities were about to

begin, I couldn't afford to lose ment

Putting tissues inside ed the contours of my face

creating an even uise Yamazaki, an off-the-chart smile

plastered across his face,in circles

around the bathroom

A short ti from beyond the

bathrooun

Casually, we headed toward thehall

As Ihall's interior lacked any sort of religious

at center Even so

Why had I gotten goose bumps up and down my spine? I was

s I'd taken before

leaving the apartht have been

nothing more than a side effect But

Alathered in this hall, and they were

singing without hesitation, with remarkable spirit Older men, older

wo women—they had turned in unison to face

the lectern and single- God Here, I could

certainly feel holiness Oh, this is true religion! This is wonderful!

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156

Anyrapped up in the hy the wall of

the e When

the hyan to

pray He seemed to be the most important person there

”Great Creator, who

with us hureat name”

Everyone looked forward, listening attentively to his prayer No one

looked at us

It was going as planned

Or so I thought As he was finishi+ng his prayers, the important man

at the podiu like, ”Thanks to the aid of the Holy Spirit,

you were all able to gather here again today Many children, as well as

new people”

New people? Who? Who are they?

They were us

Everyone's gazes immediately turned toward us I pulled the tulip

hat even farther down over

with everyone else, flashed his insane smile

At the edge of my peripheral vision, I could see Misaki She was in

front of me, in the seat closest to the pedestal She hadn't realized we

were there Relaxing, I stopped Ya to wave to

everyone

”Well then, we give you all our thanks in the name of the Son, Lord

Jesus Christ, and give you our prayers”

”Aation spoke as one Only our duck voices stood

out terribly in the chorus

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The purpose of thistechniques

This hy it was called ”missionary school”

First, a veteran male follower stood at the podium and spoke as an

example to follow After that, the missionary students expounded on

various subjects for six ave

a three-tiered assessood,” ”work harder,” or ”needs

improvement”) to each student's discussion

At least, that's how the housewife sitting next to me explained it

Bowing politely to her, I casually assessed the scene Even though it

was a weekday evening, a decent nuathered What

caught e number of housewives They were all

extreed women, like the kind you'd find

shopping at any nearby supermarket In addition, there were

businessht to the assembly on their way home from

work Finally, there were young people on their way home from school

A wide variety of people had gathered in thishall