Part 11 (2/2)
When asked the question, ”Who is Saddam Hussein?” Modesto resident Jan Clarke, 35, gave a typical response: ”Is he the guy who rented the boat to Scott?”
In Baghdad, Mr. Bremer said the U.S. was exploring a number of scenarios to compensate the angry s.h.i.+tes for the loss of Saddam, including moving Michael Jackson's trial to the southern city of Basra.
Sound trucks are at the ready for Saddam Hussein's much-antic.i.p.ated trial in Modesto, California.
NORTH KOREA EXPELS IRAN FROM AXIS OF EVIL; NO LONGER EVIL ENOUGH, SAYS KIM.
Looking for ”Evillerdoer,” North Korean Says One day after Iran agreed to put a halt to its nuclear program in response to pressure from the international community, North Korea expelled Iran from the Axis of Evil, saying that Iran was ”no longer evil enough.”
The decision to oust Iran was made unilaterally by North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il, who aides said was ”hopping mad” at Iran's decision to abide by the anti-nuke mandate.
”You call yourself evildoers?” a furious Kim reportedly bellowed into the phone when he received a call from Iran's Foreign Minister Kamal Kharrazi, notifying him of Iran's decision to comply. ”My sharpei is eviller than you!”
The expulsion of Iran is just the latest blow to the Axis of Evil, long considered the most elite club of evildoers in the world.
The AOE already lost one of its founding members, Iraq, with the fall of Iraqi madman Saddam Hussein in April, making the departure of Iran potentially devastating to the evil consortium.
As a result, Mr. Kim has s.h.i.+fted into recruitment mode, looking for what he called an ”evillerdoer” or two who could join the Axis of Evil and bring it back up to full strength.
Iranian soldiers bid a fond farewell to the Axis of Evil just hours after being dismissed by a furious Kim Jong Il of North Korea.
On Mr. Kim's short list, aides say, are the nation of Syria and the singer-actress Liza Minnelli, who yesterday was accused of beating up her ex-husband, David Gest, during their brief but tempestuous union.
Elsewhere, in a Pentagon memo released today, Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld writes that there is no way of knowing what, if any, progress has been made in the war against Condoleezza Rice.
KIM'S BLOG The Axis of Evil was a cool idea in the beginning-get the most evil nations in the world together around a table and see if we could do bigger, better evil things by working as a unit than we could if we were out on our own. At the very least, I thought, it was a chance to share some basic things like mailing lists.
Somewhere along the line, though, things went horribly wrong. I know, it's time for me to stop b.i.t.c.hing about Iraq and Iran dropping out of the Axis-it's time for me to move on, and find new, truly evil Axis members.
One thing I've decided, though-after getting burned by Iraq and Iran, I'm going to make double-d.a.m.n sure that any evildoers who want to join the AOE in the future have ”the right stuff” to be a member in good standing. To that end, I've devised the following ”Axis of Evil Apt.i.tude Test.”
1. When you see a little old lady crossing the street, do you: a. help her across b. run for your 1 life?
c. remove a manhole cover and give her a swift kick in the a.s.s?
2. What words best describe you?
a. thoughtful and caring b. works well with others c. the devil incarnate 3. If you won Superlotto or Powerball, would you: a. retire to the South of France b. create a charitable foundation to stamp out poverty c. plow it all into spent nuclear fuel rods and torture chambers If you answered ”c” to the above questions, please send your resume to: Peace out!
KERRY BASHES DEAN'S HEAD AGAINST HOOD OF CAR
Hot-Tempered Dems in Parking-Lot Free-for-All The hotly contested Iowa race reached the boiling point today as Sen. John Kerry (D-Ma.s.s.) repeatedly bashed former Vermont Governor Howard Dean's head against the hood of a car in a Davenport parking lot.
The violent incident occurred outside the town hall after a candidates' forum and may have been ignited by what was described as a ”taunting dance” performed by Mr. Dean.
The former Vermont Governor, giddy with the endors.e.m.e.nt of former rival Amba.s.sador Carol Moseley Braun, was doing an ”end-zone boogie” for Mr. Kerry's benefit when the Ma.s.sachusetts senator blew his stack.
With Sen. Edward M. Kennedy (D-Ma.s.s.) pinning Mr. Dean's arms, Mr. Kerry started bas.h.i.+ng the frontrunner's head against the hood of a parked Saturn.
”I've had just about enough of you, Howard!” Mr. Kerry reportedly thundered.
Within moments, Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) appeared, jumping on Mr. Kerry's back and pulling him off Mr. Dean, provoking the remaining Democratic contenders to join the fray.
Mark Newton, a parking-lot attendant who witnessed the fight, said, ”Gephardt was fighting like a girl, slapping and all. It made me think twice about voting for him.”
Reached in New Hamps.h.i.+re, retired General Wesley Clark told reporters, ”This is why I skipped Iowa. I had a feeling something like this would happen.”
But parking-lot attendant Newton expressed the view of many Democrats in Iowa when he said he was ”disappointed” by the violent free-for-all.
”These guys finally do something worth watching, and it's not even on TV,” he said.
Democratic presidential candidate Howard Dean's steady stream of sarcastic remarks may have sparked Sen. John Kerry's parking-lot rampage.
SCHWARZENEGGER ORDERS BREAST IMPLANT INSPECTIONS.
Names Self Inspector-in-Chief Calling silicone breast implants ”the biggest problem facing California today,” Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger today ordered mandatory silicone breast implant inspections for every woman in California.
”The time has come to say 'hasta la vista' to fake b.r.e.a.s.t.s,” Governor Schwarzenegger said, introducing a bill calling for silicone inspection teams to fan out across the state.
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