Part 5 (2/2)

This strategy has two main purposes. First, people who are running around in circles like ants make really tricky targets. And second, if you're being attacked, running around in circles gives you something else to occupy your mind.

Meanwhile, I'll be 9,000 feet underground in my emergency bunker, waiting for the excitement to die down. I've got enough DVDs and foodstuffs to last until 2035. Bring it on!

BUSH: WAR, MADONNA OFFICIALLY OVER.

But Critics a.s.sail Post-Madonna Planning In a nationally broadcast address last night, President George W. Bush p.r.o.nounced the war in Iraq, as well as the singer-actress Madonna, officially over.

”The war in Iraq is over,” the President simply stated, ”and so is Madonna.”

While Mr. Bush acknowledged that Madonna still had ”pockets of listeners,” he added that even they would soon disperse after listening to her new CD, American Life.

Around the globe, millions who had lived under the yoke of Madonna for the last twenty years poured out into the streets in spontaneous celebrations.

Customers at Tower Records on London's fabled Oxford Street tore down a life-sized cardboard cutout of the erstwhile ”Material Girl” before repeatedly throwing their shoes at it.

But even as euphoria over the end of Madonna's reign spread from hemisphere to hemisphere, Dr. David Henner, who studies annoying celebrities at the University of Minnesota, cautioned that little or no thought had been given to what might eventually replace Madonna.

”In a worst-case scenario, her sudden departure could be setting the stage for Kelly Osbourne or Kelly Clarkson or some other Kelly we don't even know about yet,” Dr. Henner said.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED: Former ”Material Girl” Madonna is officially over, the President announced.

CHIRAC CALLS FOR AN END TO FRENCH JOKES.

Bush Blasts Proposal as ”Premature”

French President Jacques Chirac today called for an ”immediate cessation” of jokes about France now that the active combat phase in Iraq had concluded.

In an impa.s.sioned speech to the United Nations Security Council, Mr. Chirac said that if the time had come to lift sanctions against Iraq, ”then it is also time to stop calling the French 'cheese-eating surrender monkeys.'” In addition, Mr. Chirac asked the U.S. to reverse its decision to rename French fries ”Freedom fries,” arguing that the derisive renaming of that popular delicacy was currently costing France billions of euros in royalties every week.

In his most emotional appeal, Mr. Chirac asked that the U.S. stop referring to the French as ”weasels” and refrain from gratuitous references to France's inexplicable love affair with the actors Jerry Lewis and Mickey Rourke.

”Get over it!” Mr. Chirac roared.

But Mr. Chirac's speech may have fallen on deaf ears at the White House, where President Bush today characterized the French President's request as ”premature.”

”The United States has no timetable for stopping making fun of the French,” Mr. Bush said. ”We'll stop ridiculing the French when we're good and ready, and not one day sooner.”

When told of Mr. Bush's statement, Mr. Chirac sighed deeply and said, ”I give up,” to which Mr. Bush replied, chuckling, ”Of course he gives up-he's French.”

French President Jacques Chirac (middle) argued that jokes about France are no longer appropriate now that major combat operations in Iraq have concluded.

KIM'S BLOG Let me talk for a second about that whole ”Freedom fries” hoo-hah.

As you'll probably recall, in the run-up to the Iraq war, France decided not to support the U.S. (and if that surprised you, you're probably surprised by the plot twists on The O.C., too). So some wise guy in the congressional cafeteria decided to rename French fries ”Freedom fries,” which led to all kinds of other, equally clever ”Freedom” names. Freedom toast, Freedom kisses-it was a lot of fun for a while there! Only problem was, we here in North Korea felt a little left out.

Then it occurred to me-I don't have anything against the French, but I sure as h.e.l.l have a problem with America, so why don't I rename things that have the word ”American” in them? And so I did, replacing the word ”American” with ”Bite My a.s.s.”

What this meant was, at our cafeteria in Pyongyang, all of a sudden we had ”Bite My a.s.s Cheese Sandwich” on the menu. In the local movie theater, Bite My a.s.s Pie 2 was showing. We redid the Lenny Kravitz version of ”American Woman” so it went ”Bite My a.s.s Woman.” I have neyer laughed so hard in my life.

A few weeks later I got an angry letter from the American emba.s.sy in South Korea-I guess they were none too pleased about my little renaming thing. So I sent them a very apologetic letter, but I addressed it to-check it out-”The Bite My a.s.s Emba.s.sy, Seoul, South Korea.”

I know, ”real mature,” but I couldn't help myself.

WINONA RYDER RETURNS IRAQI ARTIFACTS.

World's Oldest Vase Found in Actress's Saks Bag Actress Winona Ryder returned a trove of priceless Iraqi artifacts to the National Museum of Iraq today, apologizing for taking part in a wanton looting spree two weeks ago.

Ms. Ryder's role in the looting of Iraqi's national treasures had gone unnoticed until earlier this week, when U.S. officials reviewing security camera footage from the museum saw the actress moving suspiciously through the galleries with an oversized Saks Fifth Avenue shopping bag.

”We were looking at the tapes, and all of a sudden I was like, there's the chick from Mr. Deeds,” one military official said.

The military investigators took extra time to ascertain that the person on the tape was in fact Ms. Ryder and not one of several body doubles she routinely uses to distract department store security guards.

Using various intelligence leads, the U.S. was able to track Ms. Ryder to the southern city of Basra, where she was found living in an apartment chock full of Iraqi antiquities, including what is believed to be ”the world's oldest vase,” according to CENTCOM spokesman Vincent Brooks.

After apologizing for taking part in the looting of Iraq's National Museum, Ms. Ryder back backtracked somewhat, saying that she was merely researching a role for an upcoming film in which she plays ”a crazy actress who keeps changing her story.”

U.S. officials were reportedly pleased that actress Winona Ryder (pictured) agreed to return priceless Sumerian artifacts to the National Museum of Iraq.

BUSH TO PHASE OUT ENVIRONMENT BY 2004.

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