Part 6 (1/2)
All Species Under Review, President Says Just days after Christine Todd Whitman departed her post at the Environmental Protection Agency, President George W. Bush announced ambitious new plans to phase out the environment altogether by 2004.
”In addition to cutting taxes, it is the goal of this administration to cut our wasteful, bloated environment,” Mr. Bush said in a speech before the a.s.sociation of Indiscriminate Applauders in Was.h.i.+ngton, D.C.
Former head of the EPA Christine Todd Whitman applauds President Bush's decision to phase out all air, water and wildlife by 2004.
While plans to eliminate the environment entirely are still being formulated, the general strategy of the White House is to phase out the environment gradually ”so that hardly anyone will notice it's gone,” an aide said today.
Apparently, the plan to phase out the environment may have prompted Ms. Whitman's decision to leave the EPA, since the agency's mission seemed increasingly nebulous in the absence of an environment to protect.
”Christie decided to move from the EPA to New Jersey because a year from now New Jersey will still be around,” one source said.
The President's plan to eliminate the environment calls for a comprehensive review of all species currently living in the United States and the accelerated extinction of all superfluous organisms by the end of fiscal 2004.
The plan also calls for a gradual reduction of air and water, with water most likely to get the ax.
”If it comes down to choosing between air and water, the President will probably sc.r.a.p water,” one aide said. ”After all, the Iraqis haven't had water in weeks and look how well they're doing.”
GRETA VAN SUSTEREN UNDERGOES RADICAL HEAD-REPLACEMENT SURGERY.
Old Head to Return to CNN in Ramped-Up Ratings War Fox News personality Greta Van Susteren, bowing to pressure from her new bosses at Fox News Channel, had her entire head surgically replaced today, Fox News announced.
A spokesman for Fox p.r.o.nounced Van Susteren's new head ”a home run.”
”While we were supportive of Greta's earlier plastic surgery, we felt that that procedure didn't get it done,” Fox spokesman Carla Benoit told reporters.
”All of us at Fox are very excited to be working with Greta and her new, much better-looking head,” Ms. Benoit said.
Although Van Susteren joins a long list of unrecognizable surgically altered celebrities that includes Roseanne, Liza Minelli, and Michael Jackson, radical head-replacement surgery is still a relatively rare option, experts say.
A costly and high-risk medical procedure, it was successfully performed for the first time three years ago, on Lewinskygate figure Linda Tripp, who successfully replaced her frightening head.
As Fox laid out plans to unveil Van Susteren's new head later this week, CNN announced today that Van Susteren's original head would be returning to her old network.
CNN, where Van Susteren had toiled for years before bolting to Fox, plans to schedule what it calls ”Greta's real head” against Van Susteren's new head in a much-antic.i.p.ated head-to-head ratings battle.
”We wish Greta well in her new job,” CNN said today in a prepared statement, ”but may the best head win.”
HEAD TO HEAD: Fox News' Greta Van Susteren said she is ”stoked” about squaring off against her old head in a much-antic.i.p.ated ratings battle with CNN.
BUSH REBUFFED BY MODEL U.N.
Pretend-Diplomats Call President's Request ”Bogus”
Just days after receiving a chilly reception from the United Nations, President Bush took his appeal for Iraq aid to the Model United Nations, a group of two thousand high school students meeting in San Diego.
The Model U.N., which convenes once a year to simulate the proceedings of the world body, is primarily an educational organization and is therefore unaccustomed to requests for troops, funds, and billions of dollars in loans-precisely what the President asked the teenage delegates for today.
”The United States liberated Iraq to preserve the credibility not only of the United Nations, but of the Model United Nations as well,” Mr. Bush told the high school students, to muted applause.
While many in attendance seemed unmoved by the President's appeal, Mr. Bush received the frostiest reception by far from the high school students pretending to represent France and Germany.
”When he was, like, 'Give us billions of dollars and whatnot,' I was, like, 'This is bogus,'” said Josh Greenstein, the amba.s.sador from France.
President Bush was reportedly blindsided by the Model U.N.'s chilly response to his speech this week.
The German amba.s.sador, Lum Chao, echoed his French colleague's dismissive remarks about Mr. Bush's speech.
”Dude was trippin',” Mr. Chao said. ”Yo, when do we go to SeaWorld?”
Speaking to CNN's Wolf Blitzer later in the day, Vice President d.i.c.k Cheney criticized the Model U.N., arguing, ”If the Model U.N. does not act, then they are little more than a glorified debating society.”
OPENLY EPISCOPAL MAN JOINS VILLAGE PEOPLE.
Controversy Threatens to Tear Dis...o...b..nd Asunder For the first time in their three decades of existence, the dis...o...b..nd the Village People have inducted an openly Episcopal man, igniting a controversy that threatens to tear the fabled group asunder.
Holding a press conference in New York City today, the Construction Worker, a prominent member of the Village People since its inception in the 1970s, urged ”tolerance and understanding” for its latest member, the Episcopal Guy, who joined the group over the weekend.
”From the start, the Village People have been all about inclusiveness,” the Construction Worker said. ”And introducing the Episcopal Guy as our latest member is part of that tradition.”
While the Indian Chief and the Fireman were reportedly in agreement with the Construction Worker about including the Episcopal Guy in the band, the Policeman, the Cowboy, and the Leather-clad Guy were reportedly opposed, creating speculation that the Village People might split up into two smaller, somewhat less influential dis...o...b..nds.
Meanwhile, one full day after rap impresario Sean ”P. Diddy” Combs ran the New York City Marathon, Mr. Combs' posse finally crossed the finish line with a time of 30:16:27.
While the posse's finish was unimpressive compared to that of the winner, Kenyan Martin Lel, it does set a new record for best finish by a bloated entourage of leeches and parasites.