Part 2 (2/2)

Every now and then, though, my political advisors tell me that running for election in North Korea would be a good thing, politically. I mean, I know everybody loves me and all, but it would be awesome to have the numbers to prove it. The only thing that's stopped me so far has been that one nagging question: ”What if I wind up like Al Gore, and get the most votes, but still lose?”

That's when I had a brainstorm: if I ever run for President of North Korea, I'll run against Al Gore! I don't think it's physically possible to lose an election to Al Gore-it defies all the laws of the universe.

I guess there's always a remote chance that Al Gore would beat me somehow, but if he did, I'd just explode a nuclear bomb on his head. I'm all for experimenting with democracy, but I'm not nuts.

MICROSOFT BUYS Ma.s.sACHUSETTS.

State to be Renamed ”Microchusetts”

Software giant Microsoft bought the entire Commonwealth of Ma.s.sachusetts today, thus removing the last remaining obstacle to its ant.i.trust settlement with the U.S. Justice Department.

In a statement released today at Microsoft headquarters in Redmond, Was.h.i.+ngton, company cofounders William Gates and Steven Ballmer confirmed that they had purchased Ma.s.sachusetts ”lock, stock and barrel” for $17.2 billion, which is believed to be the state's breakup value.

”We are looking forward to integrating Ma.s.sachusetts into our operations and making this historic state a vibrant part of the Microsoft family,” the statement read, adding that the state will now be known as ”Microchusetts.”

In Ma.s.sachusetts, Microsoft is purchasing a state with a storied past, beginning with its role as one of the original thirteen colonies of what was eventually to become the United States of America.

But it is also buying the only state that had appealed the Justice Department's landmark ant.i.trust settlement with Microsoft, an appeal that is likely to be dropped now.

Former Ma.s.sachusetts Attorney General Tom Reilly, who was personally given his walking papers by Mr. Ballmer late Sat.u.r.day night, cautioned that Microsoft's acquisition of Ma.s.sachusetts ”doesn't pa.s.s the smell test.”

But while some legal experts believe that the acquisition of a major U.S. state may create new ant.i.trust woes for the software giant, Gates and Ballmer hope to appease Justice Department lawyers by spinning off the Boston Red Sox, a franchise in which the Microsoft cofounders are said to have ”no interest” in retaining.

Across the state today, citizens seemed to be taking Ma.s.sachusetts' evolution from a U.S. state to a division of Microsoft in stride.

”We'll probably have better dental,” one Ma.s.sachusetts resident said.

Microsoft founder Bill Gates tells shareholders that the company has completed its controversial acquisition of the Commonwealth of Ma.s.sachusetts.

CHENEY, BRIEFLY a.s.sUMING BUSH'S DUTIES, SAYS HE ENJOYED THE DOWNTIME

President's Colon Procedure Offered Welcome Break from Grueling Vice Presidential Schedule Vice President d.i.c.k Cheney, having briefly a.s.sumed President Bush's duties while the President underwent a routine colon procedure on Sat.u.r.day, told reporters today that he ”enjoyed the downtime immensely.”

The two hours and fifteen minutes spent doing Bush's job were ”incredibly relaxing,” Mr. Cheney said, adding that they were a welcome relief from his exacting vice presidential schedule.

Invoking the Twenty-fifth Amendment to the Const.i.tution Sat.u.r.day morning, Mr. Bush transferred to Mr. Cheney all of his presidential responsibilities, which meant that Mr. Cheney spent Sat.u.r.day jogging, going to the gym, and hitting a ball for Mr. Bush's dog to retrieve.

In addition, Mr. Cheney called the nations of East Timor and Luxembourg ”evil,” stumbling briefly over the p.r.o.nunciation of Luxembourg.

Finally, as Mr. Bush's colon procedure was winding down, Mr. Cheney made some remarks about the j.a.panese economy, mistakenly using the word ”devaluation” instead of ”deflation,” sending the Nikkei stock market into a tailspin.

All in all, Mr. Cheney said he emerged from his brief tenure as President rested and refreshed, ready to plunge back into his demanding vice presidential workload.

As for the President, Mr. Bush's doctors p.r.o.nounced his procedure a success, but said that they were having difficulty determining whether or not the President's anesthesia had fully worn off.

Mr. Bush's doctors indicated that when they asked the President the standard postoperative questions-such as ”What is the capital of the United States?”-Mr. Bush got only two out of five correct.

”Before the operation, he got three out of five right,” one doctor said.

Mr. Cheney called his time a.s.suming the President's duties ”a much-needed rest.”

MAN, 37, SEES MONA LISA SMILE.

Suffered No Lasting Damage, Medical Expert Says An Indiana man who had intended to see the Russell Crowe adventure film Master and Commander last Sat.u.r.day night accidentally bought a ticket to the Julia Roberts chick-flick Mona Lisa Smile instead and watched the movie until its conclusion, sources close to the man revealed today.

Brian Hogan, 37, of Gary, Indiana, is believed to be the only man in America who has actually sat through the Mona Lisa film in its entirety.

Friends of Mr. Hogan said that being subjected to the soapy tearjerker was ”a scarring experience” for the tool-and-die sales rep, who had been looking forward to celebrating his birthday Sat.u.r.day night by watching a movie with a lot of things blowing up in it.

There is little in the medical literature doc.u.menting the effects of a three-hanky film on a man's health, says Dr. Harold Crone of the University of Minnesota Medical School.

”There is only one famous case, that of a man who accidentally wandered into a showing of the Barbra Streisand film The Way We Were, in 1973,” says Dr. Crone. ”In that case, there was no lasting medical damage, and the man went on to perform a very successful cabaret act.”

Dr. Crone said that the worst-case scenario for Mr. Hogan would be that his body might undergo ”slight changes,” as if he had accidentally ingested a small amount of female hormones.

At press time, Mr. Hogan was refusing to answer reporters' questions, saying only that he was ”hurt and upset” that they had forgotten his birthday.

Exposure to Julia Roberts films such as Mona Lisa Smile may have no lasting hormonal effects on men, medical experts say.

FBI ORDERS ”WHILE-YOU-WERE-OUT” MESSAGE PADS

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