Part 2 (1/2)

”I think the international community knows that when the President says 'nucular' he means 'nuclear,'” Mr. Fleischer said. ”We challenge Saddam to prove that he does not have any of the weapons that President Bush may have misp.r.o.nounced last night.”

Mr. Bush's State of the Union address drew support from an unlikely quarter today, as n.o.bel Peace Prize-winner Jimmy Carter announced that he ”completely agreed” with the President's p.r.o.nunciation of the word ”nucular.”

”Back when I was President, I often gave speeches about nucular energy, and everybody always knew what I was talking about,” Mr. Carter said. ”I think people should back off.”

YOU SAY ”NUCULAR”: The White House believes Saddam Hussein is using the President's p.r.o.nunciation of ”nucular” to avoid revealing a ma.s.sive weapons cache.

In other international p.r.o.nunciation news, Prime Minister Tony Blair of Britain split with President Bush today over his p.r.o.nunciation of the words ”tomato” and ”banana.”

While Mr. Blair indicated that he and Mr. Bush had ”a serious difference of opinion” about how ”tomato” and ”banana” were p.r.o.nounced, he said it would in no way affect Britain's support of a U.S.-led attack on Iraq.

IT'S SPLITSVILLE FOR ANGELINA JOLIE AND HER b.r.e.a.s.t.s

Actress, Chest Part Company, Citing ”Creative Differences”

In a move that surprised many in Hollywood in the wake of the smash summer blockbuster Tomb Raider, Angelina Jolie and her b.r.e.a.s.t.s announced today that they would no longer work together, citing ”creative differences” as the reason for their split.

While official spokesmen for Ms. Jolie and her b.r.e.a.s.t.s publicly described the split as ”amicable,” insiders indicated that it was in fact a bitter parting, the inevitable result of rivalries growing out of the Tomb Raider success.

”It bothered Angelina that her b.r.e.a.s.t.s got better reviews than she did, but she was willing to swallow her pride and continue working with them,” said Skip Winston, a longtime Hollywood press agent. ”This thing was a hundred percent the b.r.e.a.s.t.s' decision.”

Others in the industry agreed with Winston's a.s.sessment. ”There was a feeling that people were hiring Angelina just as a way of getting to work with her b.r.e.a.s.t.s,” said talent agent Herb Schlantz. ”From what I've heard, the b.r.e.a.s.t.s were getting tired of carrying her.”

Now that the split is official, there has been no word about what the b.r.e.a.s.t.s' next project will be, but there are already signs that there is ”trouble in paradise,” as one insider put it.

”Apparently, the left breast is slightly larger than the right breast,” the insider said, ”and the left breast feels that should be reflected in the billing.”

As of press time, there was no confirmation of the rumors that the b.r.e.a.s.t.s were planning a split-up of their own in order to pursue solo careers.

Ms. Jolie's b.r.e.a.s.t.s could not be reached for comment.

Ms. Jolie and her b.r.e.a.s.t.s, in happier times.

WEALTHIEST .00001 PERCENT PRAISE BUSH ECONOMIC PACKAGE.

At Annual Gathering in Geneva, 29 Richest Americans Give Plan Big Thumbs-Up President Bush's newly unveiled economic stimulus package drew raves today from the wealthiest .00001 percent of Americans, who p.r.o.nounced the plan ”a total home run.”

”When we first heard about the plan, we were like, this is too good to be true,” said multibillionaire Thurston Howell IV, a spokesman for the richest .00001 percent. ”But when our butlers read the plan aloud to us during the c.o.c.ktail hour, we were incredibly stoked.”

The twenty-nine plutocrats who make up the nation's wealthiest .00001 percent were at their annual meeting at Mr. Howell's villa in Geneva, Switzerland, when news of the President's plan was first released.

The super-rich believe that the Bush tax package could transform them into the super-duper-rich.

”Bill Gates and Warren Buffett were the first to hear about it, and then the news just kind of trickled down, if I may use a favorite phrase of ours,” Mr. Howell said.

Mr. Howell added that the elimination of all Federal taxes on dividends would provide much-needed relief to him and the other twenty-eight wealthiest Americans, who have been ”struggling to make ends meet on our dividends alone.”

”The President deserves credit for recognizing what the wealthiest .00001 percent have known for years,” Mr. Howell said. ”It's well-nigh impossible to maintain a dozen households around the world, stable after stable of racehorses and a fleet of private jets if your dividends are being taxed.”

Mr. Howell differed with the President only in one minor detail-the theory that the new round of tax cuts would stimulate spending by the wealthiest Americans.

”Anyone who thinks we're going to spend more just doesn't know how the wealthiest .00001 percent thinks,” Howell said. ”We're stingy f.u.c.ks.”

NEW TAPE MAY MEAN AL GORE IS ALIVE.

Intelligence a.n.a.lysts Studying Chilling Today Show Appearance A videotape purporting to show former Vice President Al Gore appearing on NBC's Today show with Katie Couric to promote a new book is the strongest evidence to date that Mr. Gore may be alive, intelligence sources said today.

While the former Democratic standard-bearer had been virtually invisible since the 2000 election, leading many to believe that he had disappeared for good, the Today show tape offered chilling proof that he may in fact be alive and could be threatening to run for President again.

U.S. intelligence a.n.a.lysts were said to be closely examining the tape to determine if the person sitting on Ms. Couric's couch is in fact Mr. Gore, but were withholding a final verdict until further a.n.a.lysis could be performed.

”The person on the tape could very well be Al Gore,” said a source familiar with the videotape. ”On the other hand, it could also be a full-sized wooden puppet painted to resemble Al Gore.”

The source said that the process of authenticating the tape was made more difficult by the fact that it is ”almost impossible” to tell the difference between Mr. Gore and a full-sized wooden puppet, the chief difference being that a wooden puppet is ”slightly more animated.”

A chilling new tape features a man who looks much like former Vice President Al Gore (right), suggesting that Mr. Gore may be alive, as some have feared.

Intelligence a.n.a.lysts are comparing the Today show tape to tapes of Mr. Gore's 2000 debates to determine if in fact Mr. Gore is alive, as some Democratic strategists fear he may be.

”What's tricky about this is that after looking at the tapes of the debates, it's not clear that Al Gore was alive back in 2000, either,” the source said.

KIM'S BLOG We've got a little joke around the office in Pyongyang. When somebody does something really loser-y, instead of going ”Loser!” we'll go ”Al Gore!” Like most jokes, this one has the element of truth, which is why it's so funny.

I mean, really, how do you get more votes than the other guy and still wind up not getting elected? To me, this is a pretty good reason for not having any elections at all (like I needed a reason!!).