Part 109 (1/2)
”Another of the Socratics was called Epictetus Moons.h.i.+ne, Esquire. This gentleman was a tall spider-like man, with lantern jaws, hatchet face, and a mouth--the chief characteristic of which was, that it made a diagonal line from the bottom of the face to the eyebrow. He was a great speculator, and had taken it into his head, that beyond the blue mountains in New South Wales, was the real El Dorado. But as he possessed, according to the usual phrase, more wit than money, and no one will discount a check from the aforesaid wit on change, the zeal of Epictetus Moons.h.i.+ne, some time after the breaking up of the Socratic inst.i.tution for benefitting the human race, so much got the better of self-love, that he committed several petty larcenies in hopes of being transported thither; but whether his courage or his luck failed him, certain it is that he never reached the proper degree of criminality, and only succeeded in visiting by turns the various penitentiaries in London and its vicinity.
~~412~~~ ”'You mistake greatly, Sir,' said he, to one of the visiting governors of Bridewell, who condoled with a man of his talents in such a position, 'if you think a residence in this sequestered haunt a subject of regret. The mind, as Milton says, is its own seat, and able of itself to make--
'A heaven of h.e.l.l, a h.e.l.l of heaven.'
And now I am on the subject of stoicism, permit me to shew you a picture which I have just chalked out, wherein I prove that there is no such thing as pain in the world. That all which we now feel is imagination; that the idea of body is deception. I have had it printed, --written in fourteen languages, and presented to all the sovereigns of Europe, with a new code of laws annexed to it. I'll bring it in a minute, if you'll excuse me.' So saying, the pupil of Zeno disappeared, wrapping his blanket round him; but other speculations of 'matters high' no doubt attracted him from the remembrance of his promise, (just as he forgot to pay some score pounds he borrowed of me) for the visitor saw no more of him.
”The mention of El Dorado brings to my recollection another member, Mr.
Goosequill, who came to town with half-a-crown in his pocket, and his tragedy called the 'Mines of Peru,' by which he of course expected to make his fortune. For five years he danced attendance on the manager, in order to hear tidings of its being 'cast,' and four more in trying to get it back again. During the process he was groaned, laughed, whistled, and nearly kicked out of the secretary's room, who swore (which he well might do, considering the exhausted treasury of the concern) that he knew nothing about nor ever heard of the 'Mines of Peru.' At last Mr.
Goosequill, being shewn into the manager's kitchen, to wait till he was at leisure, had the singular pleasure of seeing two acts of the 'Mines of Peru,' daintily fastened round a savory capon on the spit, to preserve it from the scorching influence of the fire.
”This was foul treatment, I observed, as he concluded his tale, and I ventured to ask how he had subsisted in the meanwhile? 'Why,' said he, 'I first made an agreement with a printer of ballads, in Seven Dials, who finding my inclinations led to poetry, expressed his satisfaction, telling me that one of his poets had lost his senses, and was confined in Bedlam; and another was become dozed with ~~413~~~ drinking drams.
An agreement was made,' continued he, 'and I think I earned five-pence halfpenny per week as my share of this speculation with the muses.
But as my profits were not always certain, I had often the pleasure of supping with Duke Humphrey, and for this reason I turned my thoughts to prose; and in this walk I was eminently successful, for during a week of gloomy weather, I published an apparition, on the substance of which I subsisted very comfortably for a month. I have often made a good meal upon a monster. A rape has frequently afforded me great satisfaction, but a murder well-timed was a never-failing resource.'
”But to return to the catastrophe of the Socratics: ”By the time that the philosophical experiments in 'diving without hydraulics' had cleaned me entirely out, it was suggested that any thing in the shape of a loan would be desirable; they were not nice--not they; a pair of globes; a set of catoptric instruments; an electrical apparatus; a few antique busts; or a collection of books for the library;--any old rum, as Jack.'said, would do; and all and every of the before-mentioned loans would be most punctually taken care of. And truly enough they were, for the lender was never destined to cast an eye on any portion of the loan again. I was, indeed, so fortunate as to catch a glimpse of my globes and instruments at a p.a.w.nbroker's, and the fragments of my library at sundry book-stalls. It was now high time to cut the connection, for the Socratics were rapidly withdrawing. The a.s.sociation, for want of the true golden astringent, like a dumpling without its suet, or a cheap baker's quartern loaf without its 'doctor,' (i.e. alum), was falling to pieces. The worthy treasurer had retired, seizing on such articles as were most within reach; and when I called upon him with my resignation, I had the pleasure of seeing my own busts handsomely lining the walls of the toothdrawer's pa.s.sage. I waited on the Socratics for the b.u.ms they had been so polite as to borrow.--One, to shew that he had profited by studying Socrates, threatened to accuse me and the society of a plot to overturn the government, if a syllable more on so low a subject as money was mentioned. Another told me that he was just going on a visit to Abbot's Park for three months, and should be glad to see me when he came back. A third, an unwashed artificer,' was so kind as to inform me that ~~414~~~ he 'had just got white-washed, and he did not care one straw for my black looks.' And a fourth, an index-maker, when presented with his acceptance, kindly indicated that he had not the slightest recollection of the thing, and that, if I persisted in compelling payment, he would bring a philosophical gentleman from Cold Bath Fields, and two honest men from Newgate, to swear that it was not his hand-writing.
”The drop-curtain being thus let down on the last act of the farce, there was no alternative between being queerly plundered, or instantly laying a horse-whip over the hungry philosophers. To sue them reminded me of the proverb--'Sue a beggar,' &c. To crack a _baculine_ joke over their sconces would involve an expense which the worthy philosophers were not worth. I had done an imprudent thing in joining the 'march of mind,' and all that I could do was to brush the dust from my coat and the mud from my shoes: 'he that touches pitch,' says Solomon, 'shall he not be denied thereby?' Mr. Treasurer, therefore, remained in quiet possession of the busts--the book-stall displayed the properly appreciated volumes--and the Socratic borrowers took all the care in the world of 'value received.'”
Thus the day, which it was intended to have been spent in amus.e.m.e.nts out of doors, was pa.s.sed in animated and amusing conversation over the hospitable and convivial board, and a fresh zest was added to wit and humour by the exhilarating influence of the rosy G.o.d.
CHAPTER x.x.xII
In London, blest with competence.
With temper, health, and common sense, None need repine or murmur--nay, All may be happy in their way.
E'en the lone dwelling of the poor And suffering, are at least obscure; And in obscurity--exempt From poverty's worst scourge--contempt.
Unmark'd the poor man seeks his den.
Unheeded issues forth again; Wherefore appears he, none inquires, Nor why--nor whither he retires.
All that his pride would fain conceal, All that shame blushes to reveal; The petty s.h.i.+fts, the grovelling cares, To which the sous of want are heirs; Those evils, grievous to be borne, Call forth--not sympathy, but scorn; Here hidden--elude the searching eye Of callous curiosity.
~~415~~~ The following morning was one of unusual bustle, activity, and anxiety, the originally intended movements of the party being thus unexpectedly interrupted. Dashall had arisen before his usual hour, and departed from home before the appearance of Sparkle and Bob to breakfast: it was, of course, supposed that the promised duel would have decided the fate of one of the antagonists before they should see him again.
In this conjecture, however, they were pleasingly disappointed by his arrival about half past eleven o'clock.
”Well,” said Sparkle, ”it is all over--who has fallen--which is the man--how many shots--what distance--who was the other second--and where is the wounded hero?”
”Nay,” said Tom, ”you are before-hand with me; I have none of the intelligence you require.--I have been in search of Lord Bl.u.s.ter, who left town this very morning, three hours before my arrival, for Edinburgh; and consesequently, I suppose, either has no intimation of Laconic's intention to seek, or if he has--is determined to be out of the way of receiving a regular challenge; so that, in all probability, it will end, like many other duels, in smoke.”
~~416~~~ ”Notwithstanding your friend's letter was so full of fire,”
observed Tallyho.
”But perhaps he became more cool over a bottle of claret--toe to toe, my boy,” continued Sparkle.
This conversation was interrupted by a letter, which being delivered to Tom, he read aloud, interrupted only by laughter, which he could not restrain.
”Dear Tom, ”Don't like fighting in England--am off directly for Cork.--Tell Bl.u.s.ter I'll wait there till he comes--but if he values his life, not to come at all.---Please do the needful in despatching my servants, &c. within two days, for I am in such a pa.s.sion I can't wait a moment.--So adieu.