Part 4 (2/2)
”In this gay age--in Taste's enlighten'd times, When Fas.h.i.+on sanctifies the basest crimes; E'en not to swear and game were impolite, Since he who sins in _style_ must sure be right.”
A well-bred person must learn to smile when he is angry, and to laugh even when he is vexed to the very soul.
”It would be the height of _mauvaise honte_ for a wellbred person to blush upon any occasions whatever; no young lady blushes after eleven years of age; to study the expression of the countenance of others, in order to govern your own, is indispensably necessary.
”In former times, no well-bred person would have uttered a falsehood; but now such ideas are completely exploded, and such conduct would now be termed a _bore_. My Lord Portly remarks, 'It is a cold day.' 'Yes, my Lord, it is a very cold day,' replies Major Punt. In two minutes after, meeting Lord Lounge, who observes he thinks the weather very warm--'Yes, very warm, my Lord,' is the reply--thus contradicting himself almost in the same breath. It would be perfectly inconsistent in a well-bred man to think, for fear of being absent. When he enters or leaves a drawing-room, he should round his shoulders, drop his head, and imitate a clown or a coachman. This has the effect of the best _ruse de guerre_--for it serves to astonish the ladies, when they afterwards ~46~~discover, by the familiarity of his address, and his unrestrained manners, what a well-bred man he is; for he will address every fair one in the room in the most enchanting terms, except her to whom in the same party he had previously paid the most particular attention; and on her he will contrive to turn his back for the whole evening, and if he is a man of fas.h.i.+on, he will thus cause triumph to the other ladies, and save the neglected fair one from envious and slanderous whisperings.”
”An admirable picture of living in style, and good breeding, indeed!”
cried Tom. ”The game is in view and well worth pursuit; so hark forward!
hark forward! my boys.”
Sparkle, now recollecting his engagement--with ”you know who” as he significantly observed in the last Chapter, withdrew, after promising to take a stroll by way of killing an hour or two with them in the morning; and Tom and his Cousin soon after retired to rest--
”Perchance to sleep, perchance to dream.”
CHAPTER VI
”The alarm was so strong.
So loud and so long, 'Twas surely some robber, or sprite, Who without any doubt Was prowling about To fill ev'ry heart with affright.”
~47~~THE smiles of a May morning, bedecked with the splendid rays of a rising sun, awakened Tallyho about five o'clock, and being accustomed to rise early in the country, he left the downy couch of soft repose, and sought his way down stairs. Not a sound of any kind was to be heard in the house, but the rattling of the carts and the coaches in the streets, with the deep-toned accompaniment of a dustman's bell, and an occasional _ab libitum_ of ”Clothes--clothes sale,” gave Bob an idea that all the world was moving. However he could find n.o.body up; he walked into the drawing-room, amused himself for some time by looking out of the window, indulging his observations and remarks, without knowing what to make of the moving ma.s.s of incongruities which met his eye, and wondering what time the servants of the house would wake: he tried the street-door, but found it locked, bolted, and chained; and if he had known where to have found his friend Tom, he would have aroused him with _the View halloo_.
”It is strange,” thought he to himself, ”all the world seems abroad, and yet not a soul stirring here!” Then checking the current of his reflections, ”But this,” said he, ”is Life in London. Egad! I must not make a noise, because it will not be _good breeding_.” In this wray he sauntered about the house for near two hours, till at last espying his portmanteau, which had been left in the pa.s.sage by the servants the previous evening--”I'll carry this up stairs,” said he, ”by way of amus.e.m.e.nt;” and carelessly shouldering the portmanteau, he was walking ~48~~deliberately up stairs, when his ears were suddenly attracted by a loud cry of ”Murder, murder, thieves, murder!” and the violent ringing of a bell. Alarmed at these extraordinary sounds, which appeared to be near him at a moment when he conceived no soul was stirring, he dropped his portmanteau over the banisters, which fell, (demolis.h.i.+ng in its way an elegant Grecian patent lamp with gla.s.s shades, drops, &c.) into the pa.s.sage below with a hideous crash, while the cry of Murder, thieves, murder, was repeated by many voices, and rendered him almost immoveable.
In the next moment, the butler, the cook, the groom, and indeed every person in the house, appeared on the stair-case, some almost in a state of nudity, and shrinking from each other's gaze, and all armed with such weapons as chance had thrown in their way, to attack the supposed depredator.
Among the rest, fortunately for Tallyho, (who stood balancing himself against the banisters in a state of indecision whether he should ascend or descend) Tom Dashall in his night-gown burst out of his room in alarm at the noise, with a brace of pistols, one in his hand in the very act of c.o.c.king it, and the other placed in convenient readiness under his left arm. ”Why, what the devil is the matter?” vociferated he, and at that moment his eye caught the agitated figure of his Cousin Bob, on the half-landing place below him. At the sound of his well-known voice, the innocent and unsuspecting cause of this confusion and alarm looked up at his friend, as if half afraid and half ashamed of the occurrence, and stammered out, ”Where is the thief?--Who is murdered?--I'll swear there is something broke somewhere--tell me which way to go!” Tom looked around him at the group of half-clad nymphs and swains, (who were now huddling together, conceiving their security lay in combination, and finding all eyes were placed with astonishment and wonder on Bob) began to see through what had happened, and burst into an immoderate fit of laughter; which relieved the frightened damsels, but so confounded poor Tallyho, that he scarcely knew whether he was standing on his head or his heels. ”Why,” said Tom, addressing himself to his Cousin, ”you will get yourself murdered if you go wandering about people's houses at the dead of the night in this manner--are you asleep or awake?--who have you made an a.s.signation with--or ~49~~where are you going to--what are you up to, Master Bobby, eh?--These tricks won't do here!”
”Is't Love's unhallow'd flame invites to roam, And bids you from your pillow creep?
Or say, why thus disturb my peaceful home, Like Macbeth, who doth murder sleep.”
Tallyho was unable to reply: he looked down over the banister--he looked up at the risible features of Tom Dashall, who was almost bursting at the ludicrous situation in which he found his friend and his servants.
”Come,” said Tom, ”there are no thieves--all's right”--to the servants, ”you may quiet your minds and go to business. Bob, I'll be down with you presently.” Upon this, the stair-case was cleared in an instant of all but the unfortunate Tallyho; and peace appeared to be restored in the family, but not to Bob's mind, conceiving he had committed a gross violation of good breeding, and shewn but a bad specimen of his apt.i.tude to become a learner of London manners. It must be confessed, it was rather an awkward commencement; however, in a few minutes, recovering himself from the fright, he crawled gently down the stairs, and took a survey of the devastation he had made--cursed the lamp, d----d the portmanteau--then s.n.a.t.c.hing it from the ruin before him, and again placing his luggage on his shoulder, he quietly walked up stairs to his bed-room.
It is much to be lamented in this wonderful age of discovery and continual improvement, that our philosophers have not yet found out a mode of supplying the place of gla.s.s (as almost every thing else) with cast-iron. The subst.i.tution of gas for oil has long been talked of, as one of national importance, even so much so, that one man, whose ideas were as brilliant as his own experiments, has endeavoured to shew that its produce would in a short time pay off the national debt!{1}
”A consummation devoutly to be wished;” and experience has taught the world at large there is nothing impossible, nor is there any one in existence more credulous than honest John Bull. But we are
1 Mr. Winsor, the original lecturer on the powers of gas, in Pall Mall.
~50~~digressing from the adventure of the lamp, however it was occasioned, by clearly proving it was not a _patent safety-lamp_: and that among the luxuries of the Hon. Tom Dashall's habitation, gas had not yet been introduced, will speedily be discovered.
Upon arriving in his bed-room, wondering within himself how he should repair the blundering mistake, of which he had so unluckily been the unwilling and unconscious author, he found himself in a new dilemma, as the receptacle of the oil had fallen with the lamp, and plentifully bedewed the portmanteau with its contents, so that he had now transferred the savoury fluid to his coat, waistcoat, cravat, and s.h.i.+rt.
What was to be done in such a case? He could not make his appearance in that state; but his mortifications were not yet at an end--
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