Part 7 (1/2)
”But we haven't talked yet! Where are you going?”
”I'm in no state to talk now. And you know where to find me.”
There are two kinds of world: the one we dream about and the real one.
In my dream world, Mikhail had told the truth: I was just going through a difficult patch, experiencing the kind of misunderstanding that can occur in any love relations.h.i.+p. Esther was somewhere, waiting patiently for me to discover what had gone wrong in our marriage and then to go to her and ask her forgiveness so that we could resume our life together.
In that dream world, Mikhail and I talked calmly, left the pizzeria, took a taxi, rang the doorbell of a house where my ex-wife (or my wife? The question now formulated itself the other way around) wove carpets in the morning, gave French lessons in the afternoon, and slept alone at night, waiting, like me, for the bell to ring, for her husband to enter bearing a large bouquet of flowers and carry her off to drink hot chocolate in a hotel near the Champs-Elysees.
In the real world, any meeting with Mikhail would always be tense, because I feared a recurrence of what had happened at the pizzeria. Everything he had said was just the product of his imagination; he had no more idea where Esther was than I did. In the real world, I was at the Gare de l'Est at 11:45 in the morning, waiting for the Strasbourg train to arrive, bringing with it an important American actor and director who very much wanted to produce a film based on one of my books.
Up until then, whenever anyone had mentioned the possibility of making a film adaptation, my answer had always been, ”No, I'm not interested.” I believe that each reader creates his own film inside his head, gives faces to the characters, constructs every scene, hears the voices, smells the smells. And that is why, whenever a reader goes to see a film based on a novel that he likes, he leaves feeling disappointed, saying: ”The book is so much better than the film.”
This time, my agent had been more insistent. She told me that this actor-filmmaker was very much ”on our side,” and was hoping to do something entirely different from any of the other proposals we had received. The meeting had been arranged two months earlier,and we were to have supper that night to discuss details and see if we really were thinking along the same lines.
In the last two weeks, however, my diary had changed completely: it was Thursday, and I needed to go to the Armenian restaurant, to try to reestablish contact with the young epileptic who swore that he could hear voices, but who was nevertheless the only person who knew where to find the Zahir. I interpreted this as a sign not to sell the film rights of the book and so tried to cancel the meeting with the actor; he insisted and said that it didn't matter in the least; we could have lunch instead the following day: ”No one could possibly feel sad about having to spend a night in Paris alone,” he said, leaving me with no possible comeback.
In the world of my imagination, Esther was still my companion, and her love gave me the strength to go forward and explore all my frontiers.
In the real world, she was pure obsession, sapping my energy, taking up all the available s.p.a.ce, and obliging me to make an enormous effort just to continue with my life, my work, my meetings with film producers, my interviews.
How was it possible that, even after two years, I had still not managed to forget her? I could not bear having to think about it anymore, a.n.a.lyzing all the possibilities, and trying various ways out: deciding simply to accept the situation, writing a book, practicing yoga, doing some charity work, seeing friends, seducing women, going out to supper, to the cinema (always avoiding adaptations of books, of course, and seeking out films that had been specially written for the screen), to the theater, the ballet, to soccer games. The Zahir always won, though; it was always there, making me think, ”I wish she was here with me.”
I looked at the station clock-fifteen minutes to go. In the world of my imagination, Mikhail was an ally. In the real world, I had no concrete proof of this, apart from my great desire to believe what he was saying; he could well be an enemy in disguise.
I returned to the usual questions: Why had she said nothing to me? Or had she been trying to do just that when she asked me the question that Hans had asked? Had Esther decided to save the world, as she had hinted in our conversation about love and war, and was she preparing me to join her on this mission?
My eyes were fixed on the railway tracks. Esther and I, walking along parallel to each other, never touching. Two destinies that...
Railway tracks.
How far apart were they?
In order to forget about the Zahir, I tried asking one of the platform staff.
”They're 143.5 centimeters, or 4 feet 8 inches, apart,” he replied.
He seemed to be a man at peace with life, proud of his job; he didn't fit Esther's stereotype at all, that we all harbor a great sadness in our soul.
But his answer didn't make any sense at all: 143.5 centimeters or 4 feet 8 inches?
Absurd. Logically, it should be either 150 centimeters or 5 feet. A round number, easy for builders of carriages and railway employees to remember.
”But why?” I asked the man.
”Because that's the width between the wheels on the carriages.”
”But surely the wheels are that distance apart because the tracks are.”
”Look, just because I work in a railway station doesn't mean I know everything about trains. That's just the way things are.”He was no longer a happy person, at peace with his work; he could answer one question, but could go no further. I apologized and spent what remained of the fifteen minutes staring at the tracks, feeling intuitively that they were trying to tell me something.
Strange though it may seem, the tracks seemed to be saying something about my marriage, and about all marriages.
The actor arrived, and he was far nicer than I expected, despite being so famous. I left him at my favorite hotel and went home. To my surprise, Marie was there waiting for me, saying that, due to adverse weather conditions, filming had been put off until the following week.
I a.s.sume that, since today is Thursday, you'll be going to the restaurant.”
”Do you want to come too?”
”Yes, I do. Why? Would you prefer to go alone?”
”Yes, I would.”
”Well, I've decided to come anyway. The man hasn't yet been born who can tell me where I can and cannot go.”
”Do you know why all railway tracks are 143.5 centimeters apart?”
”I can try and find out on the Internet. Is it important?”
”Very.”
”Leaving railway tracks to one side for the moment, I was talking to some friends of mine who are fans of your books. They think that anyone who can write books like A Time to Rend and a Time to Sew, or the one about the shepherd or the pilgimage to Santiago, must be some kind of sage who has an answer for everything.”
”Which is not quite true, as you know.”
”What is the truth, then? How is it that you can pa.s.s on to your readers things that are beyond your own knowledge?”
”They're not beyond my knowledge. Everything that's written in my books is part of my soul, part of the lessons I've learned throughout my life, and which I try to apply to myself. I'm a reader of my own books. They show me things that I already knew, even if only unconsciously.”
”What about the reader?”
”I think it's the same for the reader. A book-and we could be talking about anything here, a film, a piece of music, a garden, the view of a mountain-reveals something.
'Reveal' means both to unveil and to reveil. Removing the veil from something that already exists is different from me trying to teach others the secret of how to live a better life.
”Love is giving me a pretty hard time at the moment, as you know. Now this could be seen as a descent into h.e.l.l or it could be seen as a revelation. It was only when I wrote A Time to Rend and a Time to Sew that I understood my own capacity for love. And I learned this while I was actually typing the words and sentences.”
”But what about the spiritual side? What about the spirituality that appears to be present on every page of your books?”
”I'm beginning to like the idea of you coming with me to the Armenian restaurant, because you'll learn-or, rather, become conscious of-three important things. First, thatas soon as people decide to confront a problem, they realize that they are far more capable than they thought they were. Second, that all energy and all knowledge come from the same unknown source, which we usually call G.o.d. What I've tried to do in my life, ever since I first started out on what I believe to be my path, is to honor that energy, to connect up with it every day, to allow myself to be guided by the signs, to learn by doing and not by thinking about doing.
”Third, that no one is alone in their troubles; there is always someone else thinking, rejoicing, or suffering in the same way, and that gives us the strength to confront the challenge before us.”
”Does that include suffering for love?”
”It includes everything. If there is suffering, then it's best to accept it, because it won't go away just because you pretend it's not there. If there is joy, then it's best to accept that too, even though you're afraid it might end one day. Some people can only relate to life through sacrifice and renunciation. Some people can only feel part of humanity when they think they are 'happy.' But why all these questions?”