Part 26 (2/2)

Objectively, he is gorgeous. He is exactly the sort of man she should be with, and it doesn't make sense that she doesn't want more from him.

Perhaps, she thinks, this is, or could be, a different kind of love. A saner kind of love. There's no question that they fit together. She has had great love with Elliott, and she had, however misguided, great pa.s.sion with Matt, even though that is increasingly hard for her to believe, now that the rose-coloured shades have fallen from her eyes.

Perhaps this third attempt could be a different kind of love. Comfort. Comfort can be love, familiarity can become love. Yes, she tells herself. Comfort is good; comfort is comfortable.

And who is she to expect anything more, when she has already experienced more than one woman has a right to? How lucky she is that at this stage in the game, with two children almost grown and a newborn baby, she has met a man with whom she has so much in common, a man with whom she can see herself, a man who isn't fazed by all the drama in her life.

Climbing out of bed she grabs a robe off the back of the bathroom door and goes downstairs to make breakfast. The fridge is almost empty, but there are eggs, and milk, and a oh thank you, G.o.d! a PG Tips in the drawer. In the freezer she finds pork sausages, and she is busy cooking when she hears the creak of the stairs.

She turns and grins, with no awkwardness, no morning-after-the-night-before gracelessness, for they are both adults. Would it have been different had they had s.e.x? Gabby doubts it. She feels as if she has known him for ever.

Julian hugs her, before trying to help himself to one of the sausages, but she bats his hand out of the way.

*G.o.d, this is nice,' he says. *I could get used to this.'

*Don't get too used to it,' Gabby replies. *I can't actually believe I left Henry for an entire night. I know he sleeps through now, and my mother is more than capable with him, but it still feels strange. I'm going to have to run home.'

*Are you leaking?'

*No, because I carry a small pump, and he has a fridge full of pumped milk, but I miss him. I need to go straight after breakfast.'

They sit down and eat, idly chatting and flicking through the papers on the table, before Gabby gets up to leave.

*You realize my mother'll think I'm a dirty stop-out,' she says.

*You are.'

*Not that dirty.' She laughs.

*Not yet.' He takes her in his arms and kisses her. *Thank you. This is the most fun I've had in years. I'll call you later.'

*Sounds perfect,' she says, for it does.

Chapter Thirty-Nine.

Normally Elliott wouldn't just drop in to anyone's house, but given that he lived with Claire and Tim for all that time after leaving Gabby, he thinks of it as a second home, and knows they won't mind if he calls in, uninvited.

Tim's car is missing, but Claire is home. Elliott rings the back doorbell, despite knowing the door is open, and waits for Claire to come and answer.

She walks through the kitchen with Isabella on her hip, and gives Elliott a big hug.

*What a lovely surprise! I was just dying of boredom upstairs while Isabella played on her mat. G.o.d, Elliott. She's completely gorgeous and wonderful, but I'd forgotten the hours and hours of interminable tedium when you have a small baby.'

Elliott laughs. *She's got so big!' He doesn't hold out his arms, though, just tickles her chin as she watches him carefully, her big blue eyes fixed on his. *She's just beautiful, Claire.'

*I know. I think so too but I'm ever so slightly biased. It's just me here, I'm afraid, but will you come in?'

Elliott walks in and sits on his usual stool in his usual spot at the kitchen island, while Claire puts Isabella in a bouncing chair, where she happily gurgles, grabbing hold of the plastic toys on a rail in front of her.

*So what's up?' Claire asks, pulling up a stool. *Actually, I know what's up. I spoke to Trish on the phone and she told me the news.'

*How did she sound?'

*I think she's fine. She's sad, but she's clear that you're not ready to be in a serious relations.h.i.+p, and at this stage in her life she doesn't see the point of anything unless it's a serious relations.h.i.+p. She also said you were clearly still in love with Gabby.'

There is a silence.

*So ... do you want to talk about it?'

And, as before, on many occasions, Elliott finds that with Claire he can let go, he can abandon the struggle to hold it all in, to keep it together, to present a stoic face to the world. Finally Elliott crumbles.

Claire reaches forward and puts her arms round him, holding him as he cries, rubbing his back, letting go only when he has finished, when she gets up for the box of Kleenex on the other side of the kitchen.

*You're still in love with Gabby,' Claire says, a statement rather than a question. *And you don't know what to do.'

Elliott shrugs, attempting a smile. *I don't want to be in love with her. I've tried my d.a.m.nedest to get over her, but I can't. I thought of the baby as this insurmountable wedge between us, that even if we both decided we wanted to be together, that would never happen because there is this baby in the way, this constant reminder of what happened, and I'd never be able to forgive her. I didn't think I could ever forgive her, but it seems that I have. Without wanting to, without thinking about it, I have forgiven her, and I met the baby for the first time at the weekend. Henry. I met him properly, rather than knowing Gabby was holding this bundle in her arms and doing my best not to look at him or even acknowledge his existence. I met him, and held him, and watched my daughters with him, and it broke my heart.'

Claire frowns. *I don't understand. What do you mean, it broke your heart?'

*It broke my heart that my family are there, and I am not. And this baby is their brother, and that means he's part of the family, whether I want him or not. I didn't want him, and I didn't think I would ever want him, and I recognize he has a father and I will never have that role, but it doesn't matter any more. I want my family to be back together and I want to be with Gabby, and this baby is part of my life. Part of my family.'

Claire takes a deep breath. *I know this might sound harsh, but you're sure these feelings aren't just a result of seeing her with another man? Trish told me about the night you went out for dinner. You're sure it's not just jealousy speaking?'

*I'm sure. Trish is wonderful, but she's so completely different from Gabby ...'

Claire barks with laughter before apologizing.

*Well, yes. Exactly. But instead of appreciating Trish, and how beautiful and perfect everything in her life is, it just made me miss Gabby. I missed the chaos, and clutter, and warmth. I found myself constantly comparing the two, and all I wanted to do was run home. Seeing Gabby the other night, with that guy, was really hard, but my feelings and thoughts didn't start after that. They started long before.'

*Do you know anything about the guy she's dating? Has it been a long time? Is it serious?'

*I have no idea. The only thing I can tell you is they looked very comfortable together. That's the other thing. When I left Gabby I knew that all I had to do, for weeks afterwards, was tell her I'd forgiven her, and my life would be put back together again. I couldn't do it then, I was so angry, but now she's moved on, and I don't have the right to say that any more.' He sighs. *Maybe I never did.'

*What about if I talk to her?' Claire says slowly.

*You? But you haven't spoken to her for months. The two of you have fallen out. Why would she agree to talk to you?'

*We never fell out,' Claire says. *I just couldn't be placed in the middle. I love both of you, but when you moved in here I couldn't be in the position of looking after you and looking after Gabby, so I put all my energies into you. I know Gabby didn't understand, and I know she felt betrayed by me, but I write to her.'

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