Part 26 (1/2)

Gabby laughs. *Oh G.o.d. Remember Alanna? She came out with a full head of thick black hair. It was terrifying. I thought I'd given birth to a three-year-old.'

*And remember how Olivia screamed all night long? For months. That b.l.o.o.d.y colic. Alanna was the same. Oh G.o.d. I just remember that whenever the pacifier fell out there was h.e.l.l to pay.'

*I remember you walking both of them up and down the stairs all night long to get them back to sleep.'

*Yes.' Elliott smiles. *And the minute they fell back to sleep and I'd try to oh-so-gently lay them back down in their cribs, they'd start screaming again. It was h.e.l.l.'

*It was,' agrees Gabby.

*I knew I couldn't go through that again.'

*Luckily,' Gabby says, holding her arms out for Henry, Elliott reluctantly giving him back, *we don't have to with this one, do we, mister? Aren't you the best baby in the whole world? Yes, you are! You are! Because you know Mummy might run away if you weren't.'

*No up all night?'

*None. Sleeps all night.'

*No screaming for no reason?'

*None.'

*No sleepwalking through your life with exhaustion, wondering how you're going to make it through the day, let alone the rest of your life?'

*None. He truly is the best baby I've ever known.'

There is a silence as they both watch Henry. He is grasping a rattle and waving it around, his mouth opening over it whenever he manages to bring it close enough. He looks up at each of them and breaks into a large grin.

*I'd better go.' Elliott drains his coffee cup before standing up. *Did you have fun last night? He seems like a nice guy.'

*He is,' Gabby says simply as she shows him out of the door.

Chapter Thirty-Eight.

Gabby doesn't remember laughing this much, nor feeling this comfortable, in years. She and Julian are tucked into the corner of a tiny and cosy pub, the like of which she didn't think even existed in this country, while a fire blazes and they sit and talk. They are drinking pints and half pints of lager, because Julian refuses to let her drink anything else in a pub.

For dinner they ate bangers and mash, and toad-in-the-hole, Julian expressing concern that there was no steak and kidney pie. The waitress, from Birmingham, grabbed the chef (from Guildford, naturally), who said he'll absolutely put it on the menu, and if they come back the following week, they'll have steak and kidney pie.

They order spotted d.i.c.k and treacle tart for dessert, and Gabby, who is not the slightest bit interested in portraying herself as a waif-like creature who doesn't actually eat anything, is quite sure she'll have no trouble cleaning her plate.

*So,' Julian leans back against the banquette. *Your husband. Seems like a good guy. Not w.a.n.kerish in the slightest.'

*He isn't. He is a good guy. He really didn't deserve the way I treated him.'

*We all f.u.c.k up,' Julian says simply. *Men find it harder to get over. Lack of support systems, Neanderthal mentality, blah blah blah. You've heard it all before, and it's all true. But I realize, going through it myself, that there's another factor. I think women are more detached from the ending of a marriage; they see it as the marriage having failed, whereas men see it as a personal failure.'

*You see the end of your marriage as a personal failure?'

Julian nods, sadly. *If I had been a better husband, had been home more, been more engaged, more present, I truly don't believe this would have happened. I don't believe Stacy would have looked to someone else to provide her with what I wasn't.'

*I'm not sure that that's true,' Gabby says. *Elliott was an amazing husband. I honestly can't say he was at fault, but when temptation presented itself, I was ... I don't know, powerless. It was like something came over me and all reasonable and rational thought went out through the window. I threw everything away for nothing.'

*So there was absolutely no tension between you? No resentments? Nothing?'

Gabby thinks about Elliott's vasectomy, knowing that was the moment a part of her shut down, a part of her felt their relations.h.i.+p would never be the same again because she would never be able to forgive him for making such a momentous decision without her agreement, one that impacted her so hugely.

*There were,' she says quietly. *I think there usually are. Ooh goody. Dessert.' She is grateful for the distraction that allows her to change the subject. The waitress puts enormous plates of treacle tart and spotted d.i.c.k in front of them, with a jug of custard on the side.

*Mmmm!' Gabby moans in delight. *You know what I've never seen anywhere since I was a child? Do you remember those huge trays of chocolate cake? The school dinner ladies would cut them into ma.s.sive squares and pour over this gloopy chocolate sauce. It was disgusting, but I've never seen it since.'

*I loved that pudding! That was my favourite!' Julian says, knocking Gabby's spoon out of the way to attack her treacle tart, both of them bursting into laughter.

It has been a glorious evening. When Julian stops by his house to grab a book he wants Gabby to read about an uncomplicated divorce, she steps out of the car, curious to see how he lives, intrigued by this man who feels like someone she has known for ever.

He is handsome, and clever, and fun, and funny. He feels exactly as she imagines a brother to feel; it is like those friends.h.i.+ps she had, lifetimes ago, with men just like him, when they were all young and single in London.

She hasn't thought of him in a romantic context, only to recognize that he has all the qualities she would be looking for, if she were looking, which she isn't.

When she feels his hands on her waist in the kitchen, she jumps in surprise, turning to tell him she doesn't think this is such a good idea, but before she has a chance to say anything he is kissing her, and it is so lovely to be held in someone's arms, so lovely to be kissed in just the way she remembers the English boys kissing a softer, more gentle, antic.i.p.ation building with desire a that she relaxes, seconds later snaking her hands into his hair, gasping as an unexpected wave of desire sweeps over her.

When they finally pull away, Julian leans his forehead on hers and smiles into her eyes. *Can we go somewhere more comfortable?'

He leads her by the hand into his bedroom, where they fall on the bed, laughing, playfully teasing each other before the kissing starts again, swiftly moving into unknown territory.

Julian's hands start to unb.u.t.ton her s.h.i.+rt, but she stops him, suddenly horrified, because she is lactating and this wouldn't be right.

His hand moves down, stroking her urgently between her legs, through the fabric of her trousers, before moving up to undo the b.u.t.ton, only for Gabby to move his hand gently away.

*I shouldn't be doing this,' she whispers. *I just had a baby. I don't know that this is ... right.'

She waits anxiously for him to ask why she came into his house with him, in that case; she knows there is nothing to say, knows he will think her ridiculous if she tells him she just wants to cuddle, wants to be held, wants to feel loved.

He isn't angry, or belligerent. He strokes her face and kisses her forehead, her nose, her cheeks, her lips. *Will you stay?' he asks, and this time she knows it isn't because he expects them to have s.e.x all night, but because he needs from her exactly the same thing she needs from him: affection, warmth, an embrace.

She texts home to let her mother know she will be out, and borrows a big, soft, old T-s.h.i.+rt and thick climbing socks from Julian. They brush their teeth, standing side by side over a tiny sink, Gabby turning to him and talking, her mouth filled with toothpaste foam that spits everywhere. His incredulous expression gives way to laughter, and soon they are having a compet.i.tion to create the most toothpaste foam, both collapsing with giggles at their child-like behaviour, each egging the other on.

Gabby hasn't felt this young, this carefree, in years. In bed, Julian holds out his arms for Gabby to snuggle in, the pair of them falling asleep wrapped up together, s.e.x the very last thing on each of their minds.

Gabby wakes up first. Disoriented for a few seconds, she lies still, letting her eyes adjust to the light, remembering why the bathroom door isn't where she expected it to be. Turning her head she sees Julian, eyes closed, mouth open, still fast asleep. She smiles to herself, fighting the urge to stroke his cheek and kiss him.

Not that she feels a burning s.e.xual attraction for him. She doesn't fancy him, but she may love him. Not as she loved Elliott, but as a friend. She undoubtedly feels an enormous affection for him, greater now, since he didn't push for anything more than she was able to give.

Could I fall in love with him? Why aren't I looking at him and wanting to rip his clothes off ?