Part 5 (2/2)
#2. Memorize Stats and Statistics ”There are three kinds of lies,” said Mark Twain ”lies, d.a.m.ned lies, and statistics.” Nothing ends an argument faster than rifling off numbers and figures that no one else can verify and, more importantly, dispute.
It doesn't even matter if they are accurate or correct. According to a recent study, almost 70 percent of people believe statistics are an effective tool in gaining the upper hand in debates and disputes. See, it works.
#3. Never End with ”Am I Right?”
There is nothing worse than a person that gives their opinion matter-of-factly but then ends it with a question searching for approval. News flash: An a.s.shole is always right (at least in his own mind). Don't seek the approval of others and don't open the topic up for discussion or debate. State the facts (as you see them) and end the discussion: ”There isn't a man alive that wouldn't slip it in Kathie Lee Gifford if they had the chance.” End of discussion. Hey! End of discussion.
An a.s.shole is always right
(at least in his own mind).
FIVE THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY.
1. Creme fraiche 2. Color palette 3. My cat did the cutest thing.
4. Is this s.h.i.+rt me?
5. Diet starts Monday.
THE QUOTABLE a.s.sHOLE.
”Just remember: It's not a lie if you believe it.”-George Costanza, Seinfeld Know Your s.h.i.+t An a.s.shole must know something about everything and everything about something. Pick a topic: history, baseball, stocks, boating, turn-of-the-century bread making; it really doesn't matter what the something is, just choose a topic and be an expert. Know everything there is to know and always strive to learn more. Make it known you are an authority on the subject: ”Well, if we want to learn anything from the current economic crisis and volatile stock market, we need look no further than the yeast drought of 1768. Did you know that 43 percent of the population invested their money in bread and ovens? It was considered the safest option.” Worked again.
THE 'HOLE TRUTH Bread is one of the oldest prepared foods and dates back to the Neolithic era. The band Bread made cheesy love songs and dates back as early as 1969. Both are tough to digest in large amounts.
Not only is it important to be able to speak knowledgeably on a subject at all times, you must also excel at a particular activity-golf, cooking, painting, or something else that is not easily mastered by the average douche bag. Take that chef Rocco as an example of how mastering a talent can take an average guy and turn him into a famous, wealthy, hot-chick-bagging a.s.shole. Now don't you wish you took Grandma up on those cooking lessons?
An a.s.shole must know something
about everything and
everything about
something.
Talk the Talk a.s.sholes dominate every conversation. It's expected. They are also expected to quickly and smartly defend their opinions on myriad topics. An a.s.shole should be ready to shoot straight from the hip and have an educated argument to support his stance on a subject. (Don't talk out of your a.s.s.) a.s.sholes dominate
every conversation.
It's expected.
To cover your bases, it's best to really keep up with the following four topics, and be ready to speak about them confidently and coolly at the next heated happy-hour debate: Topic #1: Current Events-You don't have to be a walking newspaper. Just make sure you know the gist of every major story in the news. This is even easier with the Internet. Hit your favorite news website and check the ”Most E-mailed” and ”Most Discussed” sections. Find out what other people are talking about and do a little homework on the topic.
Topic #2: Sports-When surrounded by a group of men in any situation, the conversation will naturally turn to sports. Every guy will regurgitate an opinion they heard on sports talk radio or pa.s.s off a joke they read on a blog as their own quip on the sports culture. a.s.sholes give their own opinion on sports; douche bags repeat what they hear on Pardon the Interruption. If the guys start discussing a sport the a.s.shole doesn't watch or follow, he offers a pointed comment to draw a laugh and change subjects. ”Who do I like in the Stanley Cup finals? Whichever team will put an end to an incredibly drawn out hockey season.”
Douche bags repeat what
they hear on Pardon the
Interruption.
Topic #3: Religion and Politics-People believe these two taboo topics should not be discussed at parties or in mixed company. Why? Because you might p.i.s.s someone off if you have an opposing viewpoint. Well, tough. If they feel so strongly about something they should want to defend their opinions. And you should be at the ready to go on the offense and show them how poorly they play D.
THE 'HOLE TRUTH If you could give two s.h.i.+ts about either topic, make that known as well: ”I'd love to talk to you about G.o.d, but I save the fairytales for my kids' bedtime stories.” At least it will keep you from getting invited back to these lame parties.
Topic #4: Everything-We know, we know . . . we said there would only be four, but an a.s.shole is never wishy-washy on any subject. An a.s.shole has an opinion and gives it when asked. Does it have to be the popular opinion? Nope. Just have something to say on the matter that doesn't make you sound like a dumba.s.s. When in doubt, go against the norm. It's fun to stir the pot.
The ability to hold a conversation is an important part of being an a.s.shole, seeing as how he's usually the center of the conversation. So mastering these talking tips means you're on your way.
Walk the Walk Like with anything, you better be able to put up or you better just shut up. An a.s.shole has to be able to back up everything he's shooting out of his mouth. Whether you need to actually hold your own against a guy that takes offense to something you say or follow through on a promise you've made, you're putting yourself out there, so you better be prepared.
<script>