Part 5 (1/2)

In order to establish your presence as an a.s.shole, you have to find your niche and work it. There are many different types of a.s.sholes, and it's important you adopt an a.s.shole persona that works with your talents.

The more natural the att.i.tude feels, the easier it will be to perfect. By working your niche, you'll be able to exploit the inherent advantages that come with the a.s.shole role you fill. However, don't feel trapped by a single label. You can combine different a.s.shole archetypes to create a hybrid that's all your own.

a.s.s * hole * ol * o * gy Vocabulary Loophole (n.): An a.s.shole's means of getting what he wants without dealing with any of the bulls.h.i.+t a.s.shole detractor (n.): A person who hates on an a.s.shole's game; typically synonymous with ”douche bag”

Bed and befriend (v.): To sleep with a woman while establis.h.i.+ng a connection that will lead to further hook ups Character Study The Social a.s.shole: He is a great specimen to study during your training process, as you will find him in the a.s.shole's natural habitat: the watering hole. Watch as he moves effortlessly from group of people to group of people, nonchalantly taking control of every conversation he enters. Take note of his skills at recalling small details in order to network and establish his likability.

Questions to Think About * What type of a.s.shole do you most closely relate to? Why?

* How would you handle an a.s.shole detractor?

* What is your niche?

What You Should Have Learned It's all about finding your niche.

There are several different types of a.s.sholes. Learn about and from them.

Uncle Al had hip surgery. Call him.

Success erases the memory of an a.s.shole's detractors.

You have to shape your own a.s.shole att.i.tude.

Chapter 5.

Act like an a.s.shole

Did you ever despise a person you barely knew? Something about him just rubbed you the wrong way. You couldn't put your finger on it, but there was something there. The way he looked. The way he spoke. The way he acted in public. Even his smell was off. He did things differently than you and it wasn't to your liking.

Here is the reason why: He was an a.s.shole who was doing everything correctly while you're an idiot doing everything wrong: The way you dress. The way you speak. The way you act. Wrong, all wrong.

It's never too late to change, though. It does take time, effort, research, and a little cash, but it will pay off in the end. Ready to make the investment?

It's never too late to change.

Look like an a.s.shole Buying the right clothes and looking your best isn't impossible. While some men act like it's as hard as splitting the atom or finding a virgin (both overrated once accomplished), it's not. The hard part is figuring out what looks good on you. For this, it's best to get someone else's opinion. Ask a female friend if she'd like to tag along. She'll be in the car planning your makeover before you can finish the sentence ”I'm running to the mall. . . .” If you can't get a friend onboard, ask the opinion of the sales staff. This might be the better of the two options, as this person's taking an unbiased look at your new style.

THE 'HOLE TRUTH If you don't trust the person at the store or even your friend, don't be afraid to get a few more opinions. Opinions are like a.s.sholes- everyone has one. (You knew that was going to be in here eventually.) Size It Up Once you've found a style that works for you-if it includes Ed Hardy T-s.h.i.+rts, keep looking-remember that size matters. Your clothes shouldn't be hanging off your body like those of a '90s hip-hop act. They also shouldn't be tight enough to cut off circulation. Choosing clothes that compliment your body type will make you look better. For a more thorough look into selecting the right cuts, pick up a book like Esquire's The Handbook of Style. It'll do your closet good.

Tips to Dress By Here are a few other quick tips to keep in mind: * It's better to be overdressed than underdressed for any occasion.

* Don't be afraid to spend money. Good clothes are expensive, but cheap pieces end up costing more, as you have to keep buying replacements.

* Have at least one nice suit and one nice sport coat.

* There is never an appropriate occasion for a funny s.h.i.+rt.

* The best example of a good dresser is the store mannequin.

* Spend a little time keeping up on fas.h.i.+on, but don't be a victim to trends.

THE QUOTABLE a.s.sHOLE.

”n.o.body has gotten a hand job in cargo shorts since 'nam!” -Seth, Superbad Learning how to dress is a slow process. You will know you're doing it correctly when you start to get compliments on the way you dress. Though laughing at your ”clever” T-s.h.i.+rt is not a compliment.

You're dressing correctly

when you start getting

compliments.

DOUCHE BAG'S CLOSET Here's what you can find hanging up in just about any douche bag's closet. (If you can also check off an item, time to throw it out.) Ed Hardy T-s.h.i.+rt Camouflage pants Visor Pink polo with starched and popped collar Store-bought ripped-and-stained jeans Talk like an a.s.shole An a.s.shole has a certain way of commanding the English language. It's as much what he says as how he says it. The way he speaks is his tool to get what he wants, when he wants it. Every successful a.s.shole must: #1. Use Buzzwords Buzzwords are crucial to the a.s.shole vernacular. It keeps them one step ahead of the average person and makes everyone involved in the conversation, meeting, or discussion think the a.s.shole knows what he's talking about even if they didn't understand the word. Buzzwords give an a.s.shole's comments value, justification, and gravitas, and they are the benchmark for a successful semantic mapping. (We have no idea what the h.e.l.l that means either, but we bet you think we did.) THE 'HOLE TRUTH The second a buzzword is picked up by a mainstream media outlet, stop using it.