Part 8 (1/2)
So this is h.e.l.l. Mama always did say I'd end up here when I pa.s.sed on. Guess she was right.
Guess I did go out with a bang, huh? Gotta hand it to Julian -- he sent me on this particular trip the way I always wanted to go. Talk about the f.u.c.k of a lifetime, man. Thing is, I don't think that memory's gonna comfort me for long down here.
h.e.l.l. It's an interesting place to visit, but I don't much think I want to stay long. Yet, anyway.
Wonder why I'm not afraid? Might just be me being all kinds of contrary even now, or maybe, just maybe, it's part of what Julian did to me. Maybe this is like coming home for a visit. Nothing scares you in your own home, if it's where you know you belong.
The trip had been ... well, different. Bree had ridden all kinds of cars, planes, motorbikes. He'd even gone bungee-jumping.
G.o.d, he loved the rush of wind through his hair in a total free-fall. The blast of adrenaline he got when he thought -- as he figured no one could help but think -- Is the safety net gonna kick in, or is this the end?
He'd gloried in screaming as he fell from the heavens, his own imitation of Lucifer, bright as the Morning Star, plunging forever down and down and down ...
Thing was, this time, he'd come to a most definite, not to mention d.a.m.ned painful, stop on terra-sort-of-firma. From what Bree could see, he appeared to be standing on a hardened but still red-hot plate of lava flow.
Huh. He had eyes. And yeah, feet, too. Feet that he could pick up and move, despite the fact that he should have been glued in place with his soles melted to the lava. He patted himself down and discovered the rest of his body had come along for the ride, vampire bites and all, still oozing trickles of fresh blood.
He also happened to be stark naked, with a hard-on that made him d.a.m.ned proud to look at. Bree couldn't help but whoop out a shout of laughter that rang to h.e.l.l's rafters and back. He might be d.a.m.ned to eternal torment, but he was still number one with his c.o.c.k!
And, oh, yes, he had ended up in h.e.l.l itself, no mistake. A glance around was all he needed to see more than he'd ever wanted to. Naked, fishy-white bodies stuck on pitchforks, with things that had horns and beaks, eating out their guts. Pillars of fire with people just visible, screaming out their agony as it burned but never consumed their flesh. Barry Manilow playing at high volume, Muzak version.
Yep. Definitely h.e.l.l.
No fire for Bree, though, and the first devil to approach him with a pointy thing backed off in a real hurry when Bree snarled and flipped it off. Huh. The power of a good old-fas.h.i.+oned ”f.u.c.k off” seemed to come in handy still.
Curious, he padded forward off the lava and onto a path of sharp-edged rocks. He felt each one's razor-keen edge without ever getting a cut. After a moment's pause, Bree shrugged it off and walked on, tall and proud. Not that he was completely certain, but he was beginning to think Julian might have been right: Bree was tougher than anything on h.e.l.l and Earth.
He pa.s.sed by many a curiosity, standing to watch for a bit, or not, as he chose. Seemed to be a lot of people who'd ended up drowning for eternity in pools of filthy water, bloated bodies forever struggling and spluttering, not quite breaking the surface.
Every so often, he saw someone lashed to a table, while chattering beasts plunged wicked daggers into their soft bits and cut off their c.o.c.ks to eat -- c.o.c.ks that grew right back, over and over. He even saw one woman dancing naked on a bed of broken mirror gla.s.s. She might have been beautiful once, but wasn't anymore.
Funny thing, though, none of it held his attention for longer than a few seconds. His feet itched to travel on, and he let them.
Why not? Might be there was a reason for needing to keep on the move. He'd trusted his instincts on when to run before. When he'd listened, he'd gotten off clean. When he'd let his c.o.c.k or his heart blindside him, he'd ended up brokenhearted or, apparently, dead.
That was another thing to consider. Julian had made good on his word and killed Bree. Oughtn't he to be just a little p.i.s.sed off at the vampire? Bree tilted his head in thought as he walked. Nope, not even a flicker of anger. Just curiosity. Why now? Why me? What happens next?
He suspected he'd soon find out.
Wonder how fast I'm movin'? Bree felt like he was going at a normal pace, but the torments around him had started to blur as he pa.s.sed by, faster and faster, until they were no more than smears against a stretch of infinite and utterly black s.p.a.ce that stretched on forever. The rocks grew sharper under his feet, but still did not open him up. The only blood he spilled came from his bite marks, dribbling away. Crimson runnels made patterns down his throat and chest as the flow grew heavier, but he didn't stop to wipe them off.He kind of thought they looked pretty.
Still chuckling to himself at that notion, Bree didn't see the path come to a stop. He noticed when he jerked to a halt, though, hard and fast as if he'd plowed into a brick wall. Still not scared, only curious, he looked up.
And up.
And up some more.
Well, now, there was a sight to put the fear of G.o.d in anyone who wasn't Bree. Fifty feet tall or more, even sitting, the biggest f.u.c.king demon he'd seen yet sat on a throne made of skulls. Dry, bleached bones whose mouths still moved, opening up to scream and wail. The demon himself distracted Bree from the thing's choice of throne, though. He stared, curious.
Like Julian, it had two forms, but it s.h.i.+fted back and forth between them, like a TV station caught between channels. The one that was more clearly visible was a monster, skin dark purple and scaly, twisted into hard knots of scarring and raised veins, and thick with muscle, bulging with rage, jagged teeth, tusks, and eyes like twin coals. Blink for a second, and the demon changed into a manlike creature so beautiful that looking at him hurt. He shone with a pure white light that radiated from his curling blond hair, violet eyes, and smooth, luminous skin. Tears ran down his flawless cheeks.
Bree figured he knew who this was. He still wasn't scared. Felt like he was dropping by for a visit to his daddy somehow.
”Satan,” he said casually. ”What's up, you old f.u.c.ker?”
The monster snarled. ”Insolence,” it said with a voice like gravel in a crusher. ”You dare?”
”Oh, suck my c.o.c.k. I'm not scared of you. You might be ugly, but to be honest, I've had worse blind dates, so forgive me for not falling down in fear. Nice chair, by the way. You make that yourself?”
Bree grinned, running his tongue over his own set of sharp teeth, as Lucifer sputtered and fumed. ”Creature of mud!” it spat.
”From dust you came, to dust you will return, and then you belong to me.”
”Doubt it.” Bree touched his throat wound and held up a hand smeared with crimson. ”Looks to me like someone made a prior claim.”
Lucifer snickered. Odd, but that was the first time Bree felt anything even close to creeped out. ”Only for a while,” Old Scratch muttered, settling back in his throne of skulls. ”I can wait millennia for you to come back and be my toy.”
”Yeah, well, that's gonna be then, isn't it? Right now -- screw you.” Bree paused. ”Come back? So I'm not here to stay?”
”Ignorance is among your sins, fool. No.” Satan's clawed hand clenched into a fist. ”You are not come to be my prize yet.
Not just yet.”
”Hot d.a.m.n!”
”Is that supposed to be funny?”
”Not so much. I'm going back, then, huh?” Bree grinned and folded his arms across his chest. ”Julian's making good on his word, then. I'm coming back in style.”
”A vampire. Creature of the night. Blood-drinker. Eater of souls.”
”Yeah, yeah, d.a.m.ned forever, shut out from the light of G.o.d, whatever. I read Dracula; I've got the memo. You want to let me be on my way now, or what?”
Satan eyed him. ”Answer one question first.”
Bree eyed the Devil right back, then shrugged. Why not? ”Go ahead. Ask me.”
”Are your b.a.l.l.s truly bigger than your brains?”
Bree exploded into laughter. Peals of sheer mirth, a sound no doubt altogether foreign in h.e.l.l, echoed around him as Lucifer bared his teeth, made a gesture with one horned hand, and h.e.l.l went pitch black as he left it behind him for whatever came next.
As a vampire, he might be d.a.m.ned now, if he believed everything Julian had said, and he figured that was why he'd taken a trip to h.e.l.l in the first place. All the same, it wasn't time for him to stay there. Yet.
He felt himself falling again, but upward this time. Up and up and up, like a balloon on acid. Best free-fall ever. If it didn't mean going back down to talk with Old Ugly, he'd want to do it again. But then, he had a few other things on his mind. Landing with a soft thump back in his body, Bree felt his lips crooking up at the corners.
Felt like he'd been laid out on Julian's bed, arms folded like a corpse's. He sensed the weight of a man sitting beside him, then felt a cool hand gently combing through his hair. ”Have you returned?” Julian whispered. ”Come now, Bree. Wake for me.
Open your eyes to this brave new world.”
f.u.c.k, yeah.